Intro

Everything falls apart eventually, mortality and impermanence are the ultimate realities of our life.  I am going to die.  Maybe today, hell maybe tomorrow.  I dont wanna die today, but in a way I do.  I am afraid of dying, because then I cant succeed, but I yearn for death because I know Im gonna fail.  I fuck everything up.  Everything, and it really, really sucks, because I am on constant self destruct.  Everything I do seems to be done so as to make me just a bit more miserable.  Every step I take forward is followed by a huge, stumbling, swagger backwards that takes me miles from where I started.  Shit falls apart.  I have found the secret to life just might be putting shit back together again.  Its hard, but right now, its what I gotta do.  Fuck, its either put shit back together again, or die;  so I think Ill write about it, and try to figure out which is the better option.  Shit I wish I had to blood to tell you the entire story, I wish I could write this story in blood, and tears, and pain, but sadly all I got is this damn computer.  Ill do my best. 

Chapter 1

I met Meredith many months ago at a bookstore.  I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and was on the prowl for a new girl. I was badly hurt and was looking for a girl to drown my pain in.  I wanted someone to hold in my arms; someone that would snuggle up to me and have faith in me; so that at least one person would think I was worth something.  I desired a girl who would fulfill my every need, and make me feel whole again.  The last time I had felt whole was the summer before.  I contemplated all these hopes and desires on a cold new years day, so far removed from the past summer.  The outside world was not the only  thing I noticed to be frigid.  My heart was colder then ice, and was desperately searching for a great love to warm it.  I sat down next to a girl reading a magazine.  We spoke briefly, she was obviously not interested, as the small talk went absolutely nowhere, and she just kinda got up and walked away. 

I sat there for a second, observing the world change before my eyes.  Instants were born then died.  They were born but once, in undetectable past instants, and they died slowly, yet just as undetectably.  I then got up and began to walk about, looking still for a love so warm.  I came upon half a dozen other girls, they showed varying levels of interest, but in they end, they all leave.  My luck and confidence seems to increase with each girl though, until I come upon a girl with long brown hair.  She was wearing a black sweatshirt, and tight jeans.  Her ass was tight and perfect, and a smile had itself a hard time being suppressed upon my face.  I tap her on her shoulder, and ask her what it is she is reading.  She tells me, blushes and smiles back.  She enjoys reading journal-based fiction.  Essentially, they kind of books I write.  A wider smile comes over my face.  I had told her that I wrote such books, and she blushed a brighter red.  It was at that moment that felt the first pangs of love take grip of me.  As she took my hand to write her e-mail address on it, so that I may send her my books she told me, she told me quietly and meekly that she also wrote those kinds of books. 

I had originally planned to stay there all day, but after she walked away, I decided to do the same.  I grabbed a book I had been meaning to buy for an exuberantly long time, and made my way up to the counter to purchase it.  I found myself standing behind her in line. So the conversation continued.  Worthless small talk we have now both forgotten the subject of, used as an excuse to listen to each others voices ring in our ears.  

I noticed her eyes sparkling.  I am sure it caused mine to do the same. 

I bid her goodbye, and left myself not long after.  I was in utter amazement over how beautiful she was.  I remember almost wanting to call everyone I knew to brag about her.  She seemed in so many ways too good for me, and in this goodness I was at a loss for words that I so desperately desired to scream at the top of my lungs.  I looked at my future with so much hope.  Life seemed to be blossoming like a flower in spring; spreading out to catch the suns warm rays.  I was ready to open like that flower, opening myself to the outside world so I may bas in the suns rays, so that I may bask in love again.

Now for Meredith going off on me, and being a total bitch. (I know I put this in my last book, but I think it needs to be read again, and again, and again because its the meanest, funniest, and most depressing piece of writing I have ever seen)

No Im not. Thinking you are better than everybody else really isn't the way to go. I would say you're a whore, but Im better than you haha. I don't have to sink to your level. I never liked you, I never loved you. I never wanted to marry you. I have no feeling for you at all. your writing is absolutely atrocious. a 3rd grader can write better than you, and so can I. you cant spell worth a crap, and, just so you know, Ive deleted all of your emails, and i never read either of your stupid gay ass books that'll NEVER sell. I am, however, going to warn Ms. South of your disgusting behavior, and everyone else I know of, in fact.  I never wanted to go out with you, I dont know why I did. I only made out with you because i was bored. For your info, i DID leave you for Brady, because he treats me with decency, respect, kindness, and hes one of the nicest people Ive ever met, and you arent and can NEVER compare to him. and you never got me aroused. you werent even close. so goodbye, may you live out the rest of your days alone, and may God have mercy on your doomed soul.

Our relationship lasted 2 full months.  The first of which was full of passion.  It died down though, just like everything else in this life.  Things go away.  I have fought it all my life.  Im always holding on to hope, for no fucking reason.  Everything dies.  It really does.  Id like to end with a passage I wrote a few days after me and Mere broke up, just a few days after I got the previous note

I saw her again today at the place where we met.  She looked just as beautiful as I remember her, and in the instant that our eyes met, I could tell I was looking good too.  It was so strange, because all the old attraction was there, but the old emotions werent.  I felt empty and afraid as I ran away from her.  It was a strange paradox as while I still thought she was the most outwardly beautiful thing I had every seen, she had proven herself to be so damn ugly on the inside.  In the beginning, I thought she could be my everything, but in the end she was now nothing to me.  Time and time again, endearing feature by endearing feature, she proved that the girl that I had fallen for had never existed, she had always been a fake figment of my imagination.  Maybe she wasnt though, maybe she was real.  I walk past her again; a look in her eyes tells me that in that distant possibility that she had once been that girl, she was no longer.  That girl died.  I walk into the coffee shop, and sit next to a beautiful girl.  As I hear her laugh, Meredith dies in my heart.  She dies in my soul, and as I see her walk out of the door, I see her walk out of my life, presumably forever.   I see her go, and I get up, and walk around.  I see a beautiful girl, refreshingly off beat, and I start conversation with her.  I lay in her lap and read some of the previous, which I had just finished writing when I met her.  As she plays with my hair, I see that girl, Meredith I think was her name, finally breath its last gasp of air.  Meredith is now completely dead to me, when at one point she was the most important person to the world to me, and my reason for living.  She died to me.  But I live on.  In months of sorrow, I learned to pull myself back together again,  when all the kings horses, and all the kings men, couldnt put my dumb ass back together again.

Chapter 2

All this doesnt do me a good goddamn; that took an hour and a half to compile, and where did it leave me?  Back at the realization that Im a fuck up.  Im to horny, or Im to stupid, or I say the wrong fucking things.  I dont know what you got out of all of that;  Its the middle of the fucking night, and I dont know wither to kill myself, piss down my leg, or just go to sleep and hope it will all go away in the morning.  I know it wont though.  I got to be a man, and put all the fucking pieces back together again, but Im scared.  I really am, cause I have no idea what the hell Im doing; and this aint no jigsaw puzzle Im putting back together; its my life.  If it crumbles, I crumble with it;  if it topples, it crushes me.  Life is crushing me anyway.  I think its kind of stupid to try to put shit back together again just so it can fall back on top of me.  Why dont I just lay here and let it kill me.  To tell you the truth, I really dont know.  My resistance seems futile.  Im gonna go get something to drink, and when I come back, Im gonna relive some more shit, and figure out if I should take a permanent Coffee break.

Lord, let me live to see the best years of my life or kill my now and leave the worst ones in the past

Chapter 3

Heres something I found in my desk.  It really hit me.  I wrote it a while ago about my hero, Breck, the guy whom this book is probably gonna be dedicated to(if I live to finish it.)

As I was sitting there, seeing senior retreat leaders come in, I vainly prayed you would be one of them.  When I saw your face, I was overjoyed, I think I must have blushed.  I had to strain to keep myself from looking at you; from staring at you with an awe-struck gaze that would have told you of the admiration I have for you.  To see you standing there in front of me was like a dream.  I could never ask for anything more then to spend time with you.  Ever moment around you I cherish, ever word I treasure.  Room assignments came up, and a number, along with my voice popped into my head; if you get room 113, your gonna tell Breck what he means to you God knows I got room 113.  Shit I muttered under my breath, with a strange joy tingling it. 

I wanted to tell you, I was just afraid.  Now is my chance I told myself.  So let us not waste another moment.

I really dont know where to start.  I have admired you as long as I can remember; as long as I can remember you, I can remember admiring you.  I saw you as perfect; the guy I had always wanted to be, but was incapable of being.    You became one of the most talented people I knew the second you opened your mouth, and angelic tones exuded from what seemed to be your soul.  I still strive to have music exude from my soul like it seems to exude from yours that day, like so many other things seem to exude from you now.  I have not the paper to list them all.  Instead, I will list a few, while I do my best to thank you for all the help you have given me.

The first time I can remember you helping me was a warm fall afternoon last September.  We were singing simple gifts  in choir, and how appropriately it was titled, for you gave me a simple gift that day.  I was screwing up badly, singing timidly, and out of tune, so you came over to me, and in your classic deep, raspy voice told me to just fucking sing the notes will take care of themselves.  Have some fucking confidence in yourself  That day you taught me it was ok to fail badly, as long as I was striving to succeed, and you made a guy with barely enough confidence in himself to get out of bed in the morning believe in himself enough to sing with world class singers.  That day you earned my awestruck respect, a respect you would build upon with every passing day.

The next vivid memory I have of you was when that guest conductor came 2 months later, and we spent the day singing with him.  I dont remember on what song, but you heard a terribly wrong note, and upon realizing that I was not the culprit, I over heard you say McKibbin was actually in tune, it was Reikmier You told me of handedly that I had done well.  I was never, and may never again be as happy to receive a left handed compliment.  By this point in the year, I looked upon you as a world class singer, and your approval meant the world to me.  I think it was on that day that I gave up looking for validation from a man I did not respect (my father) and began looking for validation in people I admired greatly, chiefly you.

The rest of that semester is a blur in my mind.  I stopped thinking that I would never be as good as you, and started trying to be remotely equal; to me being able to carry your jockstrap was the ultimate goal of my life.  I dont remember anymore validations specifically, but I know they were there, and no matter how bad my day was, or how much I thought my life sucked, you would tell me that you had barely noticed how out of tune I was, and I would be the happiest man alive.

I came back from winter break and another suicide attempt in a depressed, yet upbeat mood that always seems to come after a suicide attempt, and was immediately saddened when I realized you would be gone on a community service project for 3 weeks.  It didnt make a difference to me initially, I would have been nicer if you were there, but you werent, so I started to look to others for validation.  Their compliments meant nothing to me.  I was like a cat who liked to be petted, but only purred when his masters hand run over his fur.  It was at that point that I fully realized just how special you were to me; it was then that I realized that I respected you more then anyone I had ever known.

You came back, and upon seeing your face, mine lit up.  I realize it almost immediately, and tried to hide my giddiness by looking off into space and pretending it was some happy memory that was bringing me joy instead of your simple presence.   I have treasured every moment with you since.  I know the moments are getting fewer and fewer, so I treasure them even more now.  I take my time writing this, savoring it, trying not to blur my words with tears. 

Choir tour rolled around, and every second of every day, I wished I were you.  I was currently dating a girl I knew was way to good looking (and way to damn horny) for me to hang onto much longer, and then there was you, who probably wouldnt have give this girl I regarded as way too good for me the time of day.  You showed yourself to be good at everything you did, and I followed, trying futiley to be as good as you.  I naturally wasnt, hell I was probably the worst at all the things you were best at, but I didnt care, it was time spent with you that I cherished, not the ability to throwing the fucking Frisbee, or get laid by some random girl in a random hotel in Chicago.   You gave me adice in a fast food joint one day an I tried to the best of my ability to follow dont say anything asinine to the T.  You told me I was a pretty cool kid.  I damn near shit myself.  If God himself would have told me I was the reborn Christ I couldnt have been happier. I havent really been sad since, with the exception of a week long lapse, but not to worry, even upon the relief of my near death, it was you that brought me peace and happiness again.  As I lay in my bed after ingesting a whole bottle of sleeping pills, I felt myself start to go.  I sat up in bed and wrote you a note, so when they found me dead, they would find the note.  I wanted you to know how much you meant to me; how you inspired me.  I then realized I was selfish and stupid to take in all of that advice and then die, passing none of it on; so I crawled out of bed and brought my rapidly sedating body to the toilet.  I threw up for nearly an hour, as 30 pills take a lot of puking to purge out of your system.  You were my reason to live, and my reason for drinking approximately 4 gallons of water only to puke it back up with disgusting green masses of drugs that would have killed me if they would have been left in my stomach.  Thank you fo leaving such an impression on me that I would feel like I would cheat you by dying.

Then came today, I was depressed this mourning, hell I am always depressed, mainly because up until today I didnt think I would ever be as great as you are in my eyes.  I didnt think I would ever amount to all you have.  Then you gave that speech on know yourself in the retreat house, and I realized we were the same person, you had just made the best of your abilities, and so must I.  Its a very scary proposition, that I can be you if I chose, it just takes a hell of a lot of effort.  God willing I can have the same effect on someone else that you had on me.  If not, then I will do everything I can to thank you for what you have done for me.

My father was never there for me, and so I cant say I have ever really loved him, mostly because he has never truly loved me.  I finally realized after choir tour that he isnt really my father, but rather just a sperm donator.  A father makes a boy a man while gaining respect, love, and admiration.  All little boys wanna make their daddies proud, and all daddies wanna make their boys proud.  Daddy, today your speech made me proud, and Breck, I know your pain.  Breck, earlier today I realized I loved you, and it really creeped me out.  It obviously wasnt sexual or sensual, but I knew it was love, and it was the first time I had felt love like this.  It was out of that love that I hugged you after your speech, because I didnt want to see you in pain, and I wanted to take away as much as your pain as I could.  Yea, after that hug it no longer creeps me out that I love you, because that hug healed wounds and taught lessons.  It taught me that love is intangible, but always attached to immense caring, and I was not ashamed that you are more precious to me then gold.  More importantly, Daddy, that hug made up for all the hugs and goodnight kisses my father, erm sperm donator never gave me.  I used to think I would never love my father.  I was proved wrong today. Breck,  I hope I can make you proud; just like you make me so proud, Daddy. 

Breck helped me pick up the pieces then.  God I wish he were here to help me pick up these pieces.  He helped me pick up a few big pieces.  I could find the pieces before.  Now these pieces are millions in number and miniscule, but something tells me he could help me put it together.  God I wish Breck were here.  I need a hug.

If these are the last words I write, let me end the book as follows: Breck, this book is for you.  Im sorry I couldnt put shit back together.  I tried, I really did, but it was too much.  This book is dedicated to you.

Chapter 4

I cant just ignore the problem, I mean, rambling on and on about other problems, and other solutions, these are great and all, but this doesnt fix my current ones. I fucked up big time with my new Girlfriend, 1 day before our 1 month, I cheated on her.  I didnt really mean to, but fuck, shit was already hitting the fan with regard to getting caught smoking in school, and sneaking missy over to screw and getting caught.  I didnt know what to do, so I grabbed the closest thing I could and tried to stop the shit from hitting me.  It ended up being someone other then my girlfriend, this was bad. The thing was I barely kissed her, I was having second thoughts as I held her, and grabbed her ass, I felt kinda bad about that, and was thinking to myself why?   I dunno.  Then I tried to kiss her.   I thought she was pretty out of it, I thought I could just close my eyes and pretend it was Evelyn.  Oh, Im sorry, I havent introduced Evelyn to you yet in this book, so I advise you to READ THE OTHER 2!  She is all over them.  If your to much of a lazy shmuck to read the other 2, then let me Sum up Evelyn; Love of my life until I met Rachel.  Who; Rachel? The love of my life until I met Mere.  We all know who Mere isTHE BITCH!  Who is the my new love? My girlfriend Missy, whom I adore and worship Im over that entire I want to marry you thing mostly because I realized its over inflated bullshit at 17.  Nevertheless, the point is I still adore Evelyn , and when I was drunk, I realized this girl kinda looked like Evelyn.   I, being drunk, looking for someone to make me feel ok, reached out to this girl, literally, and tried to suck (literally)  some happiness and security out of her as if she were Evelyn, or Missy; or both.   Im not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Sometimes get confused.  Sometimes I get really, really sleepy.  Like right now.  Goodnight.  Ill wake up early and write more but its 5:50 and I biked about 30 miles today my ass is tired.  Pray for me Pray that while I am asleep, Missy will forgive me for not deciding not to cheat on her until my lips were touching this Evelyn look-a-likes.  Please let her realize that I was just stressed from loosing the car, and getting kicked out of school for smoking in class.  Make her realize that I was insane and really depressed.  Make her get hit in the head with a baseball bat, and have her forget her name, or what the fuck happened say today.   Anything people, Im dying here; literally.

Ok, maybe its not mourning yet, maybe I didnt really go to sleep.  Maybe I just ate something, watched some boxing, saw the end of a romance, and started crying over Missy.  Fuck love sucks.  I know better then to put too much emphasis on High school love, but I get the feeling that what Im loosing is a little more then just a High school love I get the feeling that we will care for each other for a long time, but since I have fucked up we wont be together  I get the feeling I should chase this one.  I have chased love before.  Not that it got me anywhere.  Here is a Journal I wrote to one of my Exs, Rachel.  I admittedly still love her.  Shes the only person I feel completely safe with because I know no matter how bad I fuck up, she will always love me.  I wish Missy was like that,  but then again, I cant blame Missy for doing what she does.  I cant say that I would punish her if she fucked up, but then again I have no self respect, and allow people to walk all over me.  Rachel somehow found a way to balance self respect with being amazingly forgiving. I hope she is warm in her bed at 3:41 am, cause I sure as fuck aint

I dont really know how to start this, hell I dont even know what the fuck Im doing to tell you the truth.  This is supposed to be a diary of Spain, and indeed it shall be, a diary of how I feel for you everyday.  I sit now in this airport in Detroit, you have been gone a day, but already Im miss you terribly.  I dunno, I just think I really, truly love you.  I dont pretend to know what love is anymore, but I can tell you I have never felt this strongly about anyone before. You probably cant read this, but I promise you, I will read it to you if you want (yea.. this was all handwritten)  I know you dont know how to feel,  and that me getting as worked up about it as I am is unhealthy, but I cant help myself.  You make me feel wonderful, you always make me smile.  I just I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with you we just seem to work so well together.  We mesh so perfectly, and we compliment each other.  I cant even describe what I feel for you.  You are my best friend in the entire world, and if I had my way, you would be my companion for life.  As stupid as that is, I mean it, really.  Im not going to throw around the M word again because I know how foolish that is, but I still cant change the fact that I feel like I have found in you a friend for life.  You make me happier then any other human being alive.  Fuck, I just want to hold you right now.  I wonder if you are ok god please tell me you are ok.  I know the world is a scary place, and I yearn to shield you from it.  To be honest, I need your protection as bad as you need mine.  Ok, lets be honest people, you dont need me, but fuck I need you right now.  I would do anything just to kiss your smile.  God I cant fucking wait to see you.  Why the hell do you do this to me.  This is supposed to be the most awesome experience of my life; 2 weeks in SPAIN!!! Fuck though,  I would much rather just be with you; I fear I would give everything I have just to watch T.V. in our Pajamas as we cuddled.  You re like the only thing that matters to me anymore.  Everything else is just a stupid after thought.  What I desire to do with you do to you consumes me .  I wanna watch some really cheesy 80s movies, and read books together.  I want to lay next to you, and have intelligent conversations, or maybe just make panda jokes.  Quite frankly I dont care what we do, just as long as we do it together.  (Ok, now some kid is hanging over a seat staring so.PENIS. Ok, I think he went away) God I wish you could make me laugh right about now.  You make me laugh like few people can.  Now as I think of how special you are to me, I cry.  No one makes me cry like you do; fuck no one else makes me cry at all but you.  I cant find anything to make me feel good or happy right now, all I know is that I miss you terribly.  Ok that is really, really, REALLY, redundant, but even I run out of words sometimes.  Even I run out of ways to tell you that I love you.  I honestly dont know what love is, but I know I love you.  I dont know if I will ever feel this strongly about another person again, but I think this is the most love I can safely handle.  I mean, you damn near paralyze me.  You just embody perfection in so many ways.  You embody the perfect friend, the perfect companion, the perfect physical specimen. And the perfect mother of my children.  I know its creepy, but damnt , its true, you are kind, and forgiving, and nurturing,.  You are the sweetest person I have ever met.  God knows you are the prettiest, and most stunningly beautiful human being alive.  I have been awestruck from the first Instant I met you.  I will never forget the way my jaw dropped when I first saw you.  I have no idea why I am writing any of this, right now Im just on a stupid tangent about things that are irrelevant.  Im not madly in love you for no reason anymore.  No, now I just feel closer to you then I have ever been to any other human being.   As I started to say earlier, and what I feel could be expressed as being madly in love with you but I think it would be better expressed by telling you once again what I already have; you are my best friend in the entire world, and I am so comfortable with you, and desire do be with you so much it borders on obsession.  You quite simply are the most important person in my life.  I want to run my hands through your hair right now. Give you a massage and hear you talk about your day.  Kiss you on your forehead, and tell you that you are beautiful.  I want to hold you around the waist and lay my head upon your glorious breasts.  God I miss your titts. He he.  What I would do to hear you remind me you love me.  Well.. we are over international waters so Im gonna have a beer.  Adios.

Ill take this break to do some cutting, as I continue to feel bad about cheating on Missy, and still seriously contemplate my own death.

I have to go to sleepIm too tired to die. Must go to sleep in my hoody. Smell Missy for one last night bleed on herscent bleed over her loss.goodnight.

Chapter 5

I just woke up, and for a brief instant, I dreamt of what me and Missy would do today.  That we would go shopping,  and she would play with my hair, and everything would be grand.  She would kiss me, and she would tell me that she loved me, and I would tell her that I lover her.  She would make me happy, my life would be better because of her.  Then I realized that I am a miserable asshole, and tried to kiss some dumb bitch last night, and I told her about it,  and now she dumped me for it, and I wanna die.  I dunno why I debate this, I should die, because I have nothing to live for.  I sadly really dont care if my parents cry their eyes out, this pain in me is too great, this emptiness consumes me, and swallows me whole.  I have nothing inside anymore, and I feel terribly empty.  Missy filled me, but now she is gone, so I wonder why I dont just run away.  The problem is, I dont know where the fuck to go.  I dont know what the fuck to do.  So I guess Ill just keep writing, but I really dont want to; obviously, I just wanna go back to last Tuesday, and relive this fucking week, and get shit right.

Ok, Im in Amsterdam, and I think;  Im kinda piss drunk, as evidently the vodka is 100 proof around these parts. Drunk I think about you even more.  God Its like the entire world has faded into the background, and all I see is you.  As trite as it, youre the only thing that matters to me.  The world around me is like a never-ending abyss, and you are my saving grace.  You are the reality that saves me from the lie, you are that love that brings me in from the cold.  I think Ill just sit here and pretend I was holding you.  Ill pretend that your smiling at me, as I make some weird joke, our wyes will meet, and will sparkle.  This sparkle will melt both our hearts, and we will make that sad puppy face.  I will tell you your beautiful, and you will run your hands though my hair, and play with it. I will see my god in you and then our eyes will meet again, and I will tell you that I love you, and you will kiss me.  Softly, and slowly.  And we will collapse into each others arms, and fall asleep .  I wish you were here, Te amo mi reigna(I love you my queen).

I just talked to one of her friends(Missies friends that is.   Yea as you can see, I dont do transitional material), All I gotta say is you fucked up this time.  Tell me something I dont know.  I fuck up everything, that has already been established, hopefully.  I fucked up Meredith by being a horny shmuck.  Granted that one is not all my fault, she is a stupid fickle bitch, but if I hadnt bitched and complained so much, it could have been better.  I have the innate ability to fuck up though.  Fuck I hate myself

In that hatred, I went outside, smoked a cigarette, and took a half hour to carve sorry into my knuckle.  The pain was nice,  I like to punish myself for doing stupid shit.  It makes me feel a little bit better.  At least when Im in pain I feel like Im getting what I deserve, I feel that the retribution that I so deserve is being administered, and after I bleed for a while, I feel like everything is ok.  I fuck up again, though, of course.  At this rate Im gonna die from blood loss.  I think God has destined me to give blood.  That is my purpose in life, to bleed; a lot, and to keep the American Red Cross blood bank from going bloodrupt(ok a weak attempt at a play on words).

Yea.. Im gonna go eat lunch.

Lunch was yummy.  I had another cigarette.  Im becoming a smoking fiend.  Then I proceeded to walk around the house setting shit on fire.  The house, like my life, is slowly being  burned.  It burns slowly though.  A piece of wallpaper now, a fake plant later.  Eventually though, you turn around and what was once a room is nothing but a pile of ashes.  Its strange how little fires can collectively burn down a house.  Its strange how so many little problems can render me a mumbling, incoherent madman.

Ahh, sober and back on a plane that will finally bring me to Spain.  We stopped in Amsterdam and God knows what we did with our 3 hour lay over.  I thought of you as I smoked the best 5 Euro joint money can buy.  I wish  could have shared it with you.  It was fucking awesome.  The joint was like a piece of you; it was sweet and strong and it made me laugh for like an  hour straight.  I really havent brought up the fact that I like that your stronger then I am, but for whatever reason, I love it.  Im not a weak guy, but Im certainly not strong.   Im vulnerable, and sometimes I need to be held as badly as I need to hold.  You being as strong as you are frees me up to be myself.  We are equals in the relationship/friendship in that way.  I dont have to pretend to be bigger, or stronger then I really am.  Maybe you want me to be stronger; if that is the case Im terribly sorry, bit thats not me.  Im the kinda guy that eats dolphin safe tuna, and cries when he sees the sunset.  Im the kinda guy that is gonna run off to the battered wives clinic with a  black eye when my wife beats the shit of me for not cooking dinner fast enough for her.   Im very feminine, and sometimes I just want to be a hardcore lesbian with you.    I know I make that joke often, but I mean it in a way.  I guess in what way I do so is not important; all I wanna do is hold you, and kiss your sugary mouth.  I have to go again.  We are in Spain now.  I love you; te amo mi reigna, or as they say in Amsterdam Iche liben Diche

Its 4 am, and we are drunk as fuck here.  Me and this weird as kid who is wearing a fucking yellow shirt. Ha.  Im sitting out in the lobby now; everyone else is puking their brains out, and I think my mother is having sex with my Spanish teacher.  I got on a really hot chick tonight, and to be quite honest, it was the thrill of my life;  making out in the dark streets of a foreign country at 2 am.  It was awesome.  After about 20 glasses of Sangria, it was amazing to get on an even drunker chick.  Of course my mom of all people found us.  Any feeling that was going on stopped.  Fuck, my fingers were just starting to smell like pussy.  Ha.  Well anyway, I am gonna go now,, and as strange as this is gonna sound, I love you.  I have other girls, and you make me smile the widest.  Well, goodbye, I wish you could be in bed with me right now, cause Im drunk, and depressed, because I said I wouldnt get on any chicks, and damnt, on night fucking two of the trip my fingers smell like moldy fish sticks.  As a side note, I wore a # 7 jersey today, and got on girl # 7 of my life.  Talk about omens.

I cant believe there was a period in my life where I had only gotten on 7 girls.  Thats pathetic.  My current 16 sounds so fucking much better.  I dunno Single digits sound pathetic, but anything above that sounds like youre a player.  Im proud to be a player.  Sadly I always seem to be the one who gets played.

Its morning, and Im the only one in good shape.  My mother claims she did fuck senior, she told damn near everyone when we were trading bullshit stories about last night at breakfast.  It really kinda creeps me out that my mom is acting like one of the guys, but yell, at least I now know that Senior isnt gay.  He might be bisexual, but he defiantly does like the ladies judging from the way he was grinding on my mom.

I cant lie to you, mostly from the sangria, but Im not feeling as strongly for you right now.  I guess you cant feel any stronger then the alcohol you consume, or something like that. I still love you, and your still the most beautiful chick I know.  You have something none of the other girls have, beauty on the inside.    They are plain and normal on the inside; they are skinny little drunk bitches with little b-cup titts that come to a point.  They arent as much fun to hold in my hand although they are kind of tasty.  Ha.

Its time for another cigarette, plus I think Im gonna go slit my wrists.   I miss Missy so badly already, and shes not even gone yet.  I know what happens next with me and Rachel, and its really, really fucking depressing.  I had just forgotten how heartbroken I was over her.  Now remembering it, I feel like what happened with us happened only yesterday. Shit, Ill be back if Im back.

Chapter 6

Ok, Im back.  I dont wanna die right now.  I still got a story to tell, and ya know what?  If Im gonna die I think people should at least know what the fuck has happened in my life to lead up to my demise.  I got stories I still havent told yet, and I really wanna tell them.  I have touched the lives of a stark few people, and it was my goal in life to touch millions.  Maybe this shit can touch people.  Maybe this shit can teach people.  Hell, maybe it will touch them, and teach them how to kill themselves.  Thats really fucked up, but Im just so hurt right now.  I feel like the entire world has betrayed me.  I feel like hell and high-water is coming crashing down on my head.  I feel completely alone, and I wanna die.  Do you understand that?  I hate my life so much I wish I didnt exist.  I am beyond just not wanting to wake up in the morning, or not wanting to deal with the shit thats going on in my life.  I never want to wake up again, because things at their best are so cosmically different from things at their very worst.  I feel like Ive been to the point of my life where I was my happiest.  When me and Rachel were together, then I was happy.  Every day I wanted to fucking wake up, and she was the only fricking reason.  Shit still sucked, she just made it bearable.  I want something better then bearable, dont you?  I dont just want to wake up and have shit just good enough that I dont feel the urge to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger like I do right now.  I wanna hang from a rope millions of miles from the ground, and watch the blood drip down staining the whole world while my legs involuntarily flail as I die.  I wanna shot myself and watch the bullet fly through the entire world, flying through the heads of everyone in a straight line, and then coming back to lodge in my skull, and before I die, I wanna feel the blood of everyone else who has just died mix with my own.  Crazy, illogical, and impossible? Yea.  Who the fuck cares though.  Im not done.  So now I will chronicle me and Rachels sad demise, and maybe, just maybe in it, I will learn how to pick up the fucking pieces all over again.  I highly doubt it though.  Unless I witness a miracle, I fear Im going to slit my throat and wrists properly this time, not just scratch the hell out of them with a knife.

Now where the hell was I

arent as much fun to hold in my hand although they are kind of tasty.  Ha.  Speaking of tasty things, the pussy over here is a fucking delicacy.  It smells nicer and, I cant say for sure, but from what I can gather from the taste of my fingers last night, either I had some serious nice choochie juice in my mother, or I had eaten to many calamari tappas (appetizers).   Well, I gotta go again.  Cant wait to get to your even sweeter pussy.  God,  I wanna fuck your brains out right now. I guess I will just have to wait.  Well, adios yo quire baja de sus pantalones  y beso sus gato.  Ti  amo mi reigna.

Oh lord.  Cant wait to get to your even sweeter pussy?  I forgot I said that.  That is the most atrocious thing I have ever seen.  I cant believe I am capable of letting my dick control me so completely.  And God , I wanna fuck your brains out right now?  God I wanna fucking put a spike through my skull.  I understand I had a hangover, but good lord.  Now I really wanna go kill myself. 

I dare to say that this chick was the second hottest, ok,  the hottest girl I have ever gotten on.  I dont love her though.  She doesnt smile; she doesnt make me laugh.  I kissed her without feeling.  Mostly because alcohol numbed the both of us.   Im on the bus to some fucking monument now.  I guess I will tell you about my evening

I started out the day on a tour of the Spanish palace, fucking awesome.  It was like the French Versailles, only bigger, and a lot closer to our hotel.   We went to 20 of the 2800 rooms,.  After an hour tour, me and the guys had a cig break.  Im now smoking these Fortuna lights.  I can buy here, so Im a fucking fiend, well anyway, Im becoming a chain smoker.  I had 2 in a row today

I hate to break up such great artistic and literary writing, but I cant believe there was a time where 2 in a row was heavy smoking.  Shit, 237 in a row is like eh now.   Speaking of cigs, I could go for another.

I became officially addicted this morning, when I had my first craving and went out and smoked one with one of my teachers, Mr. Holland.  Me and Holland are getting pretty close, we were the last ones to leave the bar last night at 5 in the morning, the last hour of which we had a long conversation in Spanish during.  Anyway, back to after the tour of the palace, we went and looked at Spanish guns.  a la battalaria real (Royal Spanish armory)  My mom got lost on the way back, to the bus and she held us up for 15 minutes, during which everyone made comments that my mother was a whore or something to that extent, but then I just smiled.  People, my mom is hot, and they are gonna hit on her, and there is nothing I can do about it.  Bus ride over.  I love you mi reigna, I will pick this up later.

After our fun filled experience at the palace, we went straight to a museum, where we had this hot as fuck guide, a tall handsome Spanish man with an awesome Accent.  He was YUMMY!  I was damn near paralyzed by his ass.  WHOA! He.  He showed us some awesome art, people eating their children, Eros eating people, portraits of kings with secret messages of protest, and a hermaphrodite.  Little kid; titts.and a dick.  I went into the street, and brought you a bull bottle opener, and let me tell you, it was the shit.  I then made cat calls at random girls.  My favorites were

a    Quiero chinga mi pinga

a    Esto en cielo contigo

a    Pueo toca tu cholo

I went to McDonalds, and had a Mc Czervza (Mc Beer) with a Big Mac.  I played translator for my friends and tried to get them laid.  I gotta go once again.   Love you mi reigna.

After that I met my cousins, who are in college.  So I went drinking with them at Madrid university.  I had 2 beers, half a pig, 2 glasses of wine, and 2 shots of 90 proof alcohol.  You can pretty much smoke anywhere you want here, so we smoked in the restaurant.   And the fact that I can buy packs for 2 euro a pack (3 bucks) means I just keep smoking more and more.  I have a few smoking buddies, but yea, back to the point yea there is none,  So Im gonna close my eyes and think about getting on that chick again.  Be right back

Ok, Im back.  Anyway, back to me and my cousins, and drinking, I got pretty decently hammered, and it was cool.  I come back, and take a subway, which we hot-boxed with cigarettes.  We went to dinner buzzed, and then we walked home.  I had cigarette # 8 for the day while it was raining and upon returning to the hotel,  at like 10:30, we all took showers, and those who didnt go to the soccer game went to La plaza del sol.  Its an old bullring, and there are a bunch of bars etched into the stone under it called Mesonones  Me and 3 other guys, or as we are referred to the chain smoking bunch.  We started drinking sangria and now leaving tips at about 11:15.  Sangria is like a wine cooler, just with more gin. He he.   Im telling you, its the best drink in the entire world.  40 proof, goes down like candy.  So we 4 had 4 pitchers.  Thats a pitcher each.  Then 2 pitchers of beer.  We were drunk, needless to say, but not in the stupid bad way. 

Anyone wanna make out ?

 That was pretty much what the were we met were saying. 

I love you, by the way.  Just thought I would take this opportunity to remind you before I tell you how I got on this really hot chick. 

So naturally, with my extensive vocabulary, I tried a Spanish pick-up line Tienes Fuego  (Do you have fire?) and the girl went Que American tourists say what that way, while true Spaniards, or at least those who actually know the language say Como.  So figuring she was an American,  I asked her  in English So you think Im sexy.

She laughed and responded Yes 

So we talked for a while,  and after I bought the girl a drink, I said it was my birthday,  and I asked if I could get a triple-kiss with her friend and her.  She brought her friend over, and they ended up making out without me, as they never really let me in.  Ah, beno almuerzo.  Adios mi reigna, Te amo.

Well, lunch turned into a 3 hour tour.  My pen ran out of inc on the bus ride, so I took a nap, and dreamt about that girl.  It felt amazing; but it was nothing like kissing you.  I dunno, I get the feeling Im going to get on a lot of girls, but none of them are gonna make me as happy as you did that cold October night.  God, no kiss has ever felt as good, or made me as happy as the one I stole out in the parking lot with you. 

Anyway, I took this chick outside with me after I pried her drunk ass off her friend, and took her to an ally to have some Alone time hehe, Im so fucking naughty.  But yea, I got her in the ally, and she sat on my lap.  We were both drunk out of our minds.  We cuddled and talked about my book for a while.  I got her to flash me for whatevers in my pocket.  All I had was my hand.  As I took my hand out, I smiled, and asked her what do you want me to do with this.  My hand slid under her shirt, and I lingered on her stomach, which was flat, and smooth, and wonderful.  She grabbed my hand, and placed them on her titts.  I told her she was beautiful.  I then randomly asked her hey ya wanna make out She answered yes, and so we did.  It was sloppy,  but hell, we were really fucking drunk, and we did have a pretty decent game of Tonsil hockey;  a game I let her win. 

Damnt we drank so fucking much.  As I laid in bed last night, I reviled in how hot the chick was, but then I wish you were there with me, to cuddle and fall asleep next to.  Heres a song I wrote about you last night:

Confusing cycles of concentric circles of feelings I just cant grasp,

I staring at the ceiling, wondering what I would say to you when I see you at last,

Last time I fucked the whole thing up, but I wont hang my head in shame,

You and me have learned to forgive myself, even if I was the only one to blame.

I yearn for you most nights, while I suppress you for most of the day,

I yearn to talk to you forever, but I never can find exactly what I so desperately want to say,

I know you dont know what the hell to think or say or do,

I dont either, but I know I could be happy if right now I was with you.

Hush, dont speak the words of indecision that I know are on both our hearts,

No lets move on to better things, let eating taco bell in bed, and putting bets on who first will fart,

No, dont worry about the absent logic, that neither of us will ever see,

Fuck everything in the world, cuddle close to me and lets fall asleep

Let your worries drift off in bunches, let me wipe the sweat off your brow

Everything can be perfect, our hearts can drift along on a cloud

You can kiss me every mourning, and pinch my ass and call me snuggles

I could hold your hand every night, and you could tell me of your struggles

I know you might never trust me, I know you may never again fully love me,

But can we pretend for just 1 night that we are together again, I promise you itll be lovely

Im trying to wrong the rights that I gained through so many internal fights,

Damnt right now Id love to punch the prick who said love could be wrong or right,

No matter how many times we tell ourselves its wrong, we keep coming back,

Deep in our hearts I think we know its a lot more complex then white and black,

Its complicated, and a million different shades of Gray,

We will never fully figure it out, so fuck everything and be with me today.

 Hush, dont speak the words of indecision that I know are on both our hearts,

No lets move on to better things, let eating taco bell in bed, and putting bets on who first will fart,

No, dont worry about the absent logic, that neither of us will ever see,

Fuck everything in the world, cuddle close to me and lets fall asleep

Let your worries drift off in bunches, let me wipe the sweat off your brow

Everything can be perfect, our hearts can drift along on a cloud

You can kiss me every mourning, and pinch my ass and call me snuggles

I could hold your hand every night, and you could tell me of your struggles

I know you might never trust me, I know you may never again fully love me,

But can we pretend for just 1 night that we are together again, I promise you itll be lovely

I love you so much, and Im probably gonna get on another chick tonight, but fuck, I wish it could be you.  I wanna kiss you softly again.  Press your lips against mine, and taste you.  I wanna suck on your porous tongue, and inhale you.  I wanna roll you up and smoke you.  Speaking of that, Im gonna have another cigarette, and then Im gonna go to bed.  I have started and stopped writing this about 983309343923820830283207423731739084702387402374203 times, and right now its 4 am.  I am even drunker then I was last nigh, and its getting hard to hold the fucking pen. I love you, and I want to hold you in my present drunken state, cause I just want someone to tell me everything is gonna be ok, and Im not gonna puke all over myself.  Its fun to puke on other people, cause then you can roll over and not be covered in puke.  Adios.

  Well good morning, I got an awful hangover, and it hasnt worn off at all.  Im really missing you.  I have been having the time of my life with these guys, but I would much rather be with you.  I yearn for all that you are.  I ache to hold you.  Well.  I think Im gonna pass out again now on this bus.

I am done writing for right now.  My hands are getting fucking cramped.  Im gonna go take another nap.  This typing shit takes a hug toll, so Im gonna go take a nap.  Considering the fact that I got like 38 minutes of sleep last night.  Ill be back to finish off this depressing, and horrible story.  I dont blame you for skipping the next chapter.  Its gonna be the conclusion of this rambleus and repetitive diary.   This is gonna sound Gay, but take a break yourself.  Look at your own life for a while, and look at the shit that is wrong with it.  Put together a piece or 2.  My life is fucking futile, but I know somewhere in my heart that things will get better.  Maybe they wont though, and Im tired of putting shit back together again just to watch it topple all over again.  My life is like a fucking game of Jinga sometimes, I take risks, taking shit apart, and re-arrange it hopping the whole thing wont topple, and eventually it has to, and then I put it back together again just to watch it topple again.  Go do whatever you have to get your life back in line, Im gonna go try and clear my head in slumber.

We wrote each other a lot of love notes, the kind that made our toes curl up with joy.  The kind of joy you get when you know someone else thinks your ok, and you therefore cease to believe youre the piece of shit other people tell you that you are.
After that, we were nearly inseparable.  She was my sex kitten.  We teased each other everywhere we went.  I kissed her in every store at the local mall.  I kissed her in every room of our respective houses.  I kissed her in church elevators, and went down on her in a pew during youth group (we both snuck off "to go to the bathroom).  As you can see from chapter 1, we also really loved each other, or at least claimed to.  I truly loved her.  She broke my heart when she took some other guy to sweetheart.  We had one passion-filled week.  Most of our teasing happened in that first week.  Most of the stuff I'm going to remember forever happened then.  I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but when I was going down on her in church, I realized she did not...uh...shave.  I made a comment about it.  A large mistake.  She gave me hell for that.  She gave me hell for everything.   That's why she broke my heart, I think.  I couldn't keep myself from fucking up long enough to get a word in.  She blew everything out of proportion, and started treating me like she was doing me a favor by dating me after that first  month.  It was her gift to me to put up with me; my gifts were numerous.  Rings, dinners, cards, books, and other various trinkets left me flat broke.  I wrote her songs, and put her in my second book.  It wasn't good enough though, and I got that horrible letter in the end.  I never cried so hard in my life as when I read that letter. 

I mourn her loss even today, because I miss the sexual energy.  I don't mean I'm just horny.  Yea, part of it is lust.  I still lust for her; but it goes deeper then that I think; she brought out a part of me that doesn't get to come out a lot.  She allowed me to channel my sexual energy in a way that wasn't dirty, or obscene.  I also miss being loved as she claimed she loved me.  If you ever read this, I still love your Mere.  I'm not ashamed.  I have told myself a million times that I'm over you, but I'm not.  I never get over girls I truly loved.  I truly loved you. 

Chapter 8

I feel so much incredibly better now.   I thought I buried her months ago.  I thought I buried her last night.  Now I can say for sure I buried her.  That chapter doesn't seem like much, but by reliving that first date a little deeper, and by going a little more in depth on how and why we broke up, I stopped masking the symptoms, and dealt with the problem.  I admitted I still love her.  Now that distant far off, beautiful, brunette that seems to loom in the distance can be properly identified as Meredith, I am no longer going to fight it.  I'm just going to let myself sail off into the cool breezes of my greatest desires, and revel the most honest of my wishes, to be loved.

That last chapter took me a lot longer then it looks on account that I got up and went around my house remembering some of the places I kissed her.  For every room there were several places.  Several memories. I walked around for an hour and a half.

Missy gets home in 5 minutes, so I'm going to go smoke the brains out of my head.  I haven't been this scared of what she is going to say since I asked her out. and she said.I'll think about it and call you back.  She was just fucking with me.  She called me back before I even hung up the phone.  I don't want to live without her.  I have learned that I probably can live without her, but I sure as hell don't want to.  She will forgive me.  I didn't even kiss her.  I just thought about it.  Talked about it, but still, she knows I love her.  How could she not?  How could she not...

Chapter 9

Forgiveness aint gonna be coming to this forsaken land,
And it sure as hell aint coming, for this forsaken man,
He done the deed, and now he's screwed
He took a chance, he knew he'd loose.
At the gallows now he's hung,
Up on a noose, he is strung.
She opens the door, he falls.
Feet kicking for non-existent floor and walls.
The noose aint made of rope, but of guilt and sorrow
She told him it's over; he can pick up his things tomorrow.

I'm still a bit shocked to be honest.  I cried for a little while, but not for too long.  I'll be alright.  Strangely enough, even though I bore the blunt of the worst case scenario,  I don't wanna die; I wanna pick up the pieces.  I wanna know what comes next.  I wanna laugh at the "you're a miserable piece of shit" letter she sent me.  I wanna love again.  First I wanna get really, really shit faced, and go out with my friends for a while, and sing irish drinking songs.  Life aint all about getting laid.  It's all about enjoying yourself.  I look back on the journey I have taken in the last few hours, and It makes me smile.  I hadn't finished a book in almost a year.   Now that this one is done, I feel like I'm an artist again.  I feel alive again.  More alive then Missy, or Evelyn, or Hannah, or Emily, or Carolyn, or Megan, or Rachel, or Meredith, or London, or anyone else will ever make me.  Writing is my mistress. I feel like I just fucked her.  I don't know how good the sex was yet.  I have to actually read this piece of shit cover to cover now.  While I do that,  Go pick up the pieces in your own life; right after you read what Missy wrote me.
Lol. God you have no clue how happy you made me. Seriously, I'm not kidding. I'm so happy you found Shauna and can finally move on hopefully. That way you won't ever ask me to go out again, because trust me, I'd rather sew my vagina lips shut with a blunt needle than go out with you again. I'd rather cut off all my fingers one by one, and never be able to use my hands again. I'd rather have a surgeon cut off all my limbs with a rusty, blunt saw without any pain meds. I'd rather have all my teeth taken out slowly one by one. Do you get my point yet?? You're somewhat smart... At least smarter than my dog (and that's not saying much) So you should be able to get how much I would dislike going out with you again. And do you know why I would dislike it? Because you're annoying as hell! I can't stand you. God. I haven't been able to stand you ever since we started going out. But Carolyn and everyone were like omg if you dump him he'll kill himself. And well, I'm a nice person, and I don't want to have someones death resting on my shoulders. So I decided to stick with you and hope that it got better. Well it got worse. You are one of the most annoying people I have met. You top the list with Jessica (who you don't know). But trust me, you don't want to be up there. I'm not easily annoyed. But Jesus Christ, you are just fucking annoying. That's putting it mildly. And god, you don't know how much I thank the Lord that I didn't sleep with you. God that would have sucked. And your penis is fucking babysit who are 8 and 5 who run around the house naked have bigger dicks than you do! small! What is it? Two inches?! Jesus, it's the smallest I've ever seen... The little boys I And they haven't even hit puberty yet... And you're 17! Jesus Christ... And even when you did get hard... I could feel it... It might have grown an inch... That would put it at 3 inches. Yay for you. And the reason we couldn't have sex that one time would be because I wasn't horny, just like all your other ex girlfriends, you don't make me horny at all... And when you did get it up, I wasn't passed out. I've never passed out when I'm drunk. I just didn't want to have sex with you. Did you notice how easily I "woke up". Yeah... That would be cause I wasn't passed out!! Lol. I didn't have enough alcohol. I didn't even have enough alcohol to fuck you. Yeah... I'd have to be way way more drunk, and get you a freakin strap on dildo since your dick isn't long enough to even make it in probably. You never mad me incredibley happy. I didn't like your flowers that much... And your writing sucks. I was never able to read the rest of your first book even, I was bored to tears by it. Your songs... Suck. And your voice... Don't ever try and make a living by singing... And your guitar playing, is not that great. Sorry to break all this news to you. But you're full of yourself. And hon, when you called my house today to tell me that you and Bryce were doing stuff, it was the happiest day of my life.  I told everyone that I was going to dump you, I was sooo fucking happy the day that I did it. I was like omg I'm gonna dump Matt. CAUSE I CAN"T FUCKING STAND YOU. YOU FREAK! And I never really liked you... I'm sorry. I went out with you cause I thought you could get me alcohol a lot... And yeah ya didn't. So it sucked. I liked someone else when I started going out with you. Lol. Oh well. Anyways I hope you like this email. Don't love you! Bye! Btw... We can't be friends. Have lots of fun with Shauna... Please!