I Will Wait Up For You.

A novel by Master Mound

Dedicated to MMM

Chapter 1

I sit up, and I am miserable.  I know that I will leave tomorrow, and it will be the last time I will see Evelyn for at least 6 months.  Our story is so strange, yet so utterly romantic.  She is 15, I 16, and yet we share such a connection, or so it seems.  I have never felt this much in tune with someone before.  We are just so much alike.  I have seen her 3 times over a week and a half vacation, one that was supposed to be spent with my family and on the phone with my now ex-girlfriend. Instead she took over my entire life, only not in the way my ex did, as Evelyn made me want to think of nothing but her, my ex simply made me put her first by demanding it.  I sit awake in bed now and realize that I will be a thousand miles from Evelyn by this time tomorrow.  The new girl of my dreams, and she has to live half the world away from me.  There is nothing I can do about it but promise that I will never fall out of love with her, and for her to do the same.  I doubt that either of us will have any problems with keeping our end of the bargain.  I catch a tear streaming down my face.  I have not cried over a girl since 5th grade.  I have now twice cried over Evelyn.  I try to hold back the tears that tell of such immense sadness, but knowing that I have to say goodbye to the greatest love of my young life for an extended period of time is such a trying and depressing situation.  There are simply no thing I could say that could accurately sum up what it is that I want to do.  So many fleeting feelings pour through my heart, and all of them make the tears stream down harder.  I cry like a man would never admit to.  I am an inconsolable mess of emotion and love.  This love I have is so amazingly strong.  I know I would do anything to see this girl again.  I am looking at 6 months minimum during which I will not see her.  I would run away from home, and find myself homeless if I could see her on a regular basis.  Stupid thoughts run through my head, but I would not be unwilling to partake in any of them.  I would transfer schools, try to marry my mother off to someone that lives near this girl, or anything, and I mean anything else that would allow me to see her as often as I feel God must have intended.  Knowing that I will not see her again for this insanely long period of time, I can do nothing but curl up into a ball and cry.  I clutch my pillow and mutter "Why God? Why?" over and over again.  I slowly come out of the fit and come to lye on my back, and as a river of sadness rolls down my face, I cry myself to sleep.  This is day one of waiting up for Evelyn.  Only about 760 to go.

Chapter 2

I am on the airplane now, and my thoughts are on Evelyn, as they have been since the instant I met her.  I am beyond crying now, not because I cannot cry anymore, but rather because there are other men on this plane and I have to keep my image up.  I cant cry in front of my parents, I can not cry in front of my friends.  They would judge me, they would turn it into a sign of weakness. My parents would rip into me with the same tenacious, uncaring viciousness; last time I cried in front of them they yelled at me for being a fucking woman.  Instead of indulging the only thing my mind and body wants to do right now, which is mourn the loss of the one I love so dearly, I just sit here, writing this, hoping that it will pass.  I dont want it to pass though. Every fiber of my body screams Evelyn.  Everything I know revolves around her.

Teacher: What is the largest know n imaginary Number?

Me-  Evelyn I mean ugh Evelyn?

Teacher- What the hell is wrong with you crack-head?

Me- um I cant stop Evelyn I mean I cant stop thinking about and Evelyn. I mean a girl named

Teacher(cuts me off) let me guess Yolanda?

Me- No.. actually

Teacher- (cuts me off again) I know what her name is.  When her name came out of your mouth the first time, I had pretty much already figured it out.

While that sounded like a thing out of a comedy act, it aint all that far fetched.  This girl means the world to me!  This girl is the world to me.  Why then would things have to go like this?  Why then, would what I feel must be fate, deal me a hand like this? I put my sunglasses on and let a tear or two escape.  I look out the window to watch myself going away from her at 500 miles an hour.  I think of two nights ago, the last time I saw her.  She was so amazingly beautiful, when I dreamt of her she had not been anywhere near as stunning as I found her that night.  When I gazed at her, every muscle in my body froze in awe of what lay before me.  Tight kaki bell bottom pants which showed off her legs, which were out of my dreams. There is nothing in the world that I find more physically attractive then great legs.  The kind that you love to run your hands over.  The kind that leave you almost no choice. As I walked into the house, they were the first things I noticed, their beckoning for caressing would have been indulged had her father not been starting a conversation with me.  Her eyes, oh what they did to me.  They were just so full of love, so full passion of the same passion that I felt for her.  They smiled at me, if you know what I mean, I dont think her mouth can smile, but rather her mouth is drawn towards her eyes in the same way that I am.  What got me most though was who she was, as a person, as an amazingly intelligent individual with great legs and oh so much more.  I hadnt fallen for her on the premise that she was an utter knockout(which she was and more) but rather because of our shared interests, and her dynamite personality.  If Evelyn was one half of one quarter as beautiful as she is, I would still utterly adore her and be in awe of her.   Let me be perfectly honest though, although it might mar the point, I try to get across, I feel as if I must at least be honest.  If she weighed more then 200 pounds, I might think of her differently.  I have a certain amount of love for her soul, but if her bodys repulsively outweighs that, then I am sorry, but I just couldnt.  You know what though, I believe in fate,  and I think that fate understands my limitations.  I dont pay too much attention to looks, because they really dont matter to me, but if she looked like a circus freak, then I might have a problem.

I remember have a similar conversation with her that night.  She had asked her former boyfriend if I weighed 300 pounds, would you still love me?

He naturally said Hell FUCKING NO!

The fact of the matter is, Men dont care if you are un poco gordo we just want girls to take care of themselves.  Your not skinny? Dont care.  As long as you have at least half your teeth, and are proportionate, we dont care.  If any girl were to ever stumble across these writings, let me just say this As long as you are at least trying to look good, we are ok. When you start wearing sweet-pants, dont comb your hair, dont put on make-up and dont shave, we start trying to run away.  If you want people to love you for who you are, keep in mind you are what you eat. 

Evelyn was slightly upset when the previous views came out of my mouth.  Well, more disappointed than anything else.  I remind her, though, that I had fallen for her before I had ever seen her legs.  I love her for who she is, inside and out.  Wither she believes it or not, it is much more what she is inside then out.  As she lamented about the fact that no guy had ever loved her for who she was inside, I emphatically denied her fears.  I started to cry I felt so passionately about her  it showed as a tear rolled down my face.

Are you crying?

I turned my head and Instinctively said no.

She put her arm around my shoulder and reassured me. it is ok

Ya know what, that is bullshit, that is not at all how it went.  We were talking about how I was raped in 7^th grade to tell you the truth. The entire crying to her thing happened, but just not in front of her. No, that night I cried as I thought of the horror of the situation of my rape, and she noticed it, no matter how hard I tried to mask it.  Then she put her hands around my shoulder and reassured me. She lightly turned my head toward hers and quoted a line out of the book I had just written I want to kiss away your tears, and logic away the confusion. She smiled and gave me a hug.  I got a handful of ass, and I felt a lot better.  It was not because of the fact that I had that  handful of ass, but rather because it was all in good fun; it made me happy because it made her happy.  She was not happy because she liked getting her ass grabbed, but rather because it made her laugh. I cant call her now, as I am still in the air, I instead write her a letter.

Dear Evelyn-

I come to realize that my bodys infatuation is being split between 3 areas, all of them are on overload. My crotch, heart, and soul all see an astounding knockout.  The amazing person you are appease my soul like nothing annunciatable. Wither you believe me or not , tis is once again what makes me love you more then anything else. My heart is what draws me to your eyes. They tell of how much fun it is to be around you. Lastly and leastly, my crotch is bonkers over you.  How the hell am I going to live without you? Only God knows. I love you Evelyn, and I know I always will.

The plane touches down.  Day 2 over. Only about 758 to go.

Chapter 3

 I called Evelyn Today, well I called her yesterday night, but she wasnt answering. That worries me ever so slightly. Everything worries me though, so I take it pretty lightly. When I do get her on the phone, an irremovable smile presses itself on my lips.

Damnt I am so infatuated with her, We talk about our mutual drinking habits, and wouldnt ya know it, neither of us are big fans of American beer. We reminisce about ourselves at our drunkest, and we share experiences of having a large amount of an 80 proof liquor.  Things progress, we talk about my book, and I bring up something I hear in the car If I were to fall, into the sky, do you think time, will pass us by? And I would walk like a thousand miles, just to see you  I told her how I cried when I heard it.

My I feel real special now, you dont cry in 4 years; you meet me, and now you cry like a little baby.

Oh come on, like I am the only one bawling here! Have you cried over me at all?

Nope

What do you mean nope? Are you telling me that you havent listened to a song maybe or sat up at night sometime, thinking about our situation and maybe just a little tear

Nope

I ask with a hint of puppy dog whimper in my voice your eyes didnt eve water?

Nope

Im gonna cry

Me too

Me too? What the hell is up with that?

Im crying right now, well, I was. Those lyrics you recited, the gave me goosebumps, and they reminded me, or rather helped me realize what I would do for you.  Then I realized that we live almost exactly 1000 miles apart, and then a tear or two might have escaped

Ohhh my gawd, I am awll vaclepedtawk amongst yaselves.. Swiss cheese: I think it came from Jersey

She laughed hard and cried no so hard; I laughed not so hard, but inside I was bawling.

We change the subject, and got into an article in some magazine about the Woman on top position  She would read something, and then we would talk about it. One of the those things we talked about was one position, in which the female would lie back, balancing herself on the males shit.  There was evidently a small problem with her.  She had some issues with her Sweeter Puppies as they evidently just werent big enough for her.  When she would lean back in this position, she worried that this would showcase this.  On the record, I put the Sweeter Puppies in question through a barrage of tests, and they look, feel, and hell, even taste fine to me.

The boob fairy never visited me

yea, well the disgusting large Wang fairy has done its best to stay away from Philburt, so I guess we are even Tell you what, I wont complain about the size of yours, and I wont complain about Philburts shortcomings

Alright wait, Philburts small though?

Well, not really, but he aint the gargantuan I was hoping for I have never formally checked this out before, but I guess he is around 152 millimeters

She laughed Hold on, let me convert that to inches Oh please! Your fine, FINE!!

Yea, but a guy aint happy unless he has a Kielbasa in his pants

I dont understand why it matters though, I mean, anything over like, 4 gets the job done. Everything after that is just an accessory 6? You have nothing to complain about

Yea, well neither do you; tell me exactly what you are dealing with, number wise?

Um, 32A

Your fine, even without huge titts. (chuckle) Seriously though, they are fine.  It really doesnt matter anyway, as I am a legs man myself.  Legs are good, you have them, I like them,

You ever seen me in shorts though?

Dont matter; I uhh have more then my eyes to judge nice legs, and you my sex kitten, have nice legs.

Thank you, but your wrong

We hold each other in the highest regard, so if I like your legs, it shouldnt matter what you think, who else are you trying to impress?

I dunno, I just dont think I have a nice body

Bullshit, it has been established that you have nice legs, and now it will be established that you have nice boobies.  They felt just fine last Wednesday, and this Monday.  Oh, and they looked good too.

When have you seen my boobies?

um, last Wednesday

But my shirt was on

Yea but the bra under it was worked off, a bit, remember?

No

ok, we were on the couch, right?  We were cuddling, right? And do you remember where my right hand was?

Oh my god you could see em?

Yea, and I liked what I saw

(With much slyness in her voice) Reeeeeally?

Yea, I like the sweeter puppies quite a lot

I then explained to her that it was proportion and not size that mattered.  32 A was a good shape, but that really didnt matter anyway, as I lover her, not her titts.  Not that I dont love them though. Ahh, today has been made easy.  Day 3 over, only 757 to go.

Chapter 4

Today, especially tonight is so very hard.  I talked to her at length today about sex related stuff.  Our relationship is strange and, yet so intriguing in that way.  I dunno, she is not like other girls in that way.  She aint a freaking slut, like so many girls, but at the same time she is so open to the weird and kinky.  We started talking about bestiality, and the psychology behind it.  I don't even remember how it started, but it ended up lasting like 2 hours.  Well, it moved off of bestiary eventually, but rather it and it's offshoots lasted 2 hours.  She started by reading some stuff out of this book that was pretty much the psychology of sex, and it gave history and etc.  This led to me talking about some stuff I had come across online, and when something accidentally slipped out about some really weird shit, I expected that she was going to be really grossed out.  She wasn't, how strange it was.  I dunno, I there was this one thing I came across when I was online that involved a dog and a tub of peanut butter.  The thing about it was the fact that it was so damn weird that when I saw it, I just had to look twice at it. She was totally cool with it.  Things moved on from there, we talked about some other stuff that I came across online, like a video of some Danish teenagers getting kidnapped and raped.  I expressed my horror in learning that shit like that exists, and then we got into pedophilia, and the stuff it said in her book about it.  It was quite interesting.  I had just never had a conversation that was so damn weird.  We were both loving it, but it was just strange, because we were getting pretty damn kinky, but it was only by virtue of our immense mutual intelligence that we were able to.  She didn't freak out when she learned that I kinda liked the girls a little younger, I am not talking 11, I am talking like 17...  it came up, and we both agreed that consent and knowledge of ones actions were what should be the barometer for the legality of it.  She wasn't freaked out by it, and I wasn't freaked out when I found out she had fantasies about transvestites.  I mean, the human sexual appetite is a very strange thing.  Most people are to freaked out to admit that they like weird, and hell even illegal stuff.  The thing is, while one may dream and fantasize about something, we both agreed that we would never want to really go seek out a transvestite, or a dog, and a tub of peanut butter.  Rather, while we might dream of these things, that is all we are going to do about these urges.  It was interesting, and we unraveled a little more of our sexual insecurities.  We also talked about our issues with our confidence with the natural assets God has given us.  Part of the problem is the fact that we are given such a bad view of what we have.  If you could find a worse view of ones body then our eyes provide, I will pay you a million bucks.  One must also keep in mind that in all fields of vanity SIZE DOESN'T MATTER!!!  We, at the end of the conversation, just came to the conclusion that we would just keep the lights off when we got into a situation that would make us feel insecure.  The truth of the matter is that the other person, and hell if we are lucky, other persons don't care as much as we do, and probably won't notice.

That was pretty easy, and while it was quite strange, it was just another step in demystifying the opposite sex.  I think it is very healthy, and is something that a lot of people don't have the privilege of doing.  I still missed her like all hell, and we were starting to leave each other answering machine messages that were really telling volumes about how much we missed each other.  Shit, we hadn't seen each other in 4 days, and we were already cracking up.  When these thoughts started to really catch up with me, that is when things started getting difficult.  I wanted to call her again, and again.  If I had my way, we would never get off the phone.  It only now occurs to me that very few people my age, or hell, of any age have ever had the joy of being so totally infatuated with someone that you can think of nothing else.  Maybe it is better we are apart, because God knows, unless something horrible happens, and the love we have fades away, next time we see each other, we are going to be like freaking dogs in heat.  It keeps things interesting.  Now it is like 3 in the mourning, and I wasn't even going to write today, but I can't sleep, because I love her way too much.  I change my answering message to reflect the fact that I can't do anything but think about the girl.  She calls me at like 11, but I am away from the phone, and she leaves this message

"ah, (yawn) very interesting(in response to my "I am a New  York City cab driver that has taken over the house"), pick up, pick up, pick up... your not answering your phooone.  ah, your loss. Call me back, sometime.  In the mourning.  Sometime... Call me... the mourning... sometime... I miss you... bye..."

Chapter 5

It has been a while since the last time I felt like writing anything, mostly because new elements have entered my life, elements that have proceeded to turn everything I thought I knew on its head. I have lost track, but I think it has been 12 days since our last correspondence.  The days are becoming easier to survive as a plethora of other things now control my life, and distract me from the one I love the most.  Things enter my life that bring short-lived joy, but they themselves are only short-lived, for they are not Evelyn.  Nothing replaces her, nothing compares to her.  Shit, I dont know what to say, I mean, what more can I say about this girl?  Trying to describe how I feel about her is like trying to explaining the reasons for our impeding death, it is damn near impossible, and anything that is said is bullshit anyway.  How many times can I tell her that I love her, how many times can I send her an d-mail, or leave her a sappy answering machine message? How many times can I send her flowers, or otherwise profess my love for her? Yet, nothing I do will ever do justice to the feelings I have for her. I am confused now, because as much as I love her, I now love someone else more.  Dont comprehend?  Me neither. I must either be a fountain of love, or have found the girl of my dreams, met her friend, forgot about the old girl of my dreams, and talked to the new girl of my dreams personified in her friend, watched this new girl run off with my best friend, writer her off as not liking me, remembered the old girl of my dreams, and gotten used; I then met the new new girl of my dreams in Evelyn and realized that the old new girl of my dreams was in fact that new new new girl of my dreams.  Her name is Jessica, and she has since mobbed away, and my life sucks and at the same time is utterly amazing and infinitely rewarding.  Evelyn seems to be slowly slipping away from me.  She is not as much of a sap as I am, or Jessica is for that matter.  Part of the problem right now is that Jessica, the new new new girl of my dreams, showers me with the love I so desperately need.  She tells me how much she loves me almost never endingly.   For the first time in my life, I have found someone that loves me more then I love them.  She is so beautiful, but she, like Evelyn, lives so fucking far away.  She is nowhere near as far away as Eve, but she might as well be.  Why has this happened to me? I find the perfect girl twice, and both of them live in a place where I can not see  them everyday or even every weekend.  I cant even see them other week, or even every other month for that matter.  Love has swept me up only to unceremoniously drop me back on my ass. Maybe it was not meant to be.

The thing that pisses me off most about the situation with Jessica is the fact that only weeks ago she was here with me, close enough to see every day.  We only found out about our feelings for each other when she reached her new home.  We each had a secret crush on each other, but we were both blinded and awestruck by each other.  It was unrequited love at first site.  Allow me to relive the only time we saw each other.  We spent countless on the phone though, usually into the early mourning hours. Allow me now to show you one of the most fucked up and yet amazingly cute and fuzzy love stories ever told I fear it might eventually take up this body of work.  I wouldnt complain too much if it werent for the way I still feel for Evelyn.  Nevertheless, without any further adieu, the story. (With the following precursor:  I had spoken to Jessica on the phone previously we both thought we had very sexy voices)

I nervously threw on dark blue baggy blue jeans and my favorite blue periwinkle shirt, tonight I would meet the voice on the pone, tonight I would met Jessica, and maybe I would be able to find the love I so badly needed.  Maybe I will be able to break away from Hannah and find someone that appreciates me.  I shower myself with cologne and run out the door.  A nervous chill runs through my body.  The possibility of failure enters my mind, but I do not want to embrace it; God does not hate me enough to cause me to loose Hannah and never get Jessica.  I sit down on a sewer drain and await my ride.  I dream of what Jessica will look like.  I have had only vague descriptions of her.  She sounds hot, but not like super hot. When the car pulled up, I was proved wrong.  I looked at her, and was awestruck.  She was amazingly beautiful.  I was smitten by my first gaze at her.  She sat next to my friend Terry.  More on Terry later, as I will blame her for making things not go as they could have.   I could have sat next to her, but I was in competition with my stupid curly haired friend Andrew.  Andrew, being the asshole he was, decided it would be a good idea to pursue this girl, like he pursued every other girl I had ever really liked.  Therefore, we were both going for her.  More on the curly haired freak, if this ever gets published, and there is a picture of me in it, then you will noticed that I am curly haired, and if you actually read this shit, you will notice I am stupid.  I went through hat so you could have an idea of what Andrew is like: take me and take away all maturity, good looks, sexual experience, logic, and any otherwise endearing qualities, and you have Andrew.  We looked very similar, but I had a better body, and I was taller, and I um well lets just say I was altogether larger then young Andrew.  At the time I referred to him as a sexual black hole, because he had the habit of making sure that no one that he was around could ever get laid; sadly I spent a lot of time around him. Back to the care and that fateful day, in interest of fair competition, I rode up front with Andrew.  I had to fight to keep my eyes off of her.  There was very light conversation in the car.  I turned on the charm and was met with much laughter and approval.  I thought I was doing quite well.  Unknown to me, she had already fallen for me; and I had already fallen for her.

Let us get to the point here, ok? We fooled around a lot, I was dominating Andrew as far as conversation and attention from her went.  Have I mentioned the fact we went to a move Theater?  Well we did.  As we went in I thought I had her. At the same time, I wouldnt have been surprised I was blown off.  Terry then proceeded to fuck the hell out of everything as far as things between me and Jessica went.  Jessica was pushed against the wall, and Terry sat next to her.  Neither me nor Andrew could talk to her.  What was she thinking?  Prior to the moves start, Jessica used my phone.  As soon as I got it back I wrote text on that phone and handed it to Terry

I love Jessica because she is so amazing

It was not meant to reach her, and it didnt, but what could have happened if it had I got the idea that Terry was trying to even out the playing field, and wasnt going to allow either of us to sit next to her.  Shit then proceeded to rear its ugly head, and run itself into a fan; Andrew asked if he could sit next to Jessica, and she obliged.  Was She trying to sabotage me?  I asked Terry if we could all move so that Andrew and me could sit on opposing sides of her.  The fat bitch said no. I swear the fat ugly bitch was trying to stop it from happening.  So Andrew and Jessica started some intense flirting, and my heart dropped out of my chest.  I thought I had lost her, and at the time, it was a depressing reality. I was utterly wrong, but I would not learn that until 2 months later, when we were 500 miles apart.  Terry and Jessica got up and went to the bathroom.  When they got back, Terry pissed me off the most royally of all the things she did all night she claimed that Jessica hadnt said anything about me. 

BULLSHIT!

Jessica was crazy about me from first sight; dont even try to tell me she didnt say anything about me.  Once again, the fat bitch was sabotaging me.  When Terry told me that Jessica hadnt said anything, I gave up, and started helping Andrew get on Jessica.  I had to fucking coach the bastard because he had no clue as to what to do.  It was a sad and weird thing coaching someone to get on someone, but Andrew was a curly haired dumbass, and he probably would have chickened out and eventually just switched seats with me if I hadnt told him what to do. Goddamn me for being a good person, as Andrew followed my suggestions, and I watched my moves make her melt in his hands.  All hope died, and I sand into despair.  They sat next to each other in the car.  I murmured, That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do She missed my cues as I missed hers.  Meanwhile I had to sit up front with Terry. Ugh she seemed to get fatter and uglier by the second. Jessica and Andrew got dropped off first, and then I, and last Terry.  As soon as I got in the door she called me.  I dont remember what we talked about, but I know that speaking to her came to me with such utter ease.  We spoke for 5 hours.  It felt like 5 minutes.  As I learned how much we had in common, a battle cry erupted from my lungs Goddamnt, I will forever return my phone calls (the night before I was supposed to go out with Jessica and Terry, I was on the phone with Jessica {she was at Terrys} and someone called for Terry and I was supposed to call back in a half hour. I didnt call back, but Andrew did.  He talked to Jessica for the first time, and so he became involved.  If I had been on the phone with her, it wouldnt have happened) This later became a joke of sorts What have we learned today children?  Always return your phone calls We would speak 2 times a week, and when she called, the minutes would fall off the clock as a good roast falls off the bone. We could never be on the phone for less then an hour.  It just didnt work. 

I left for New York, and met Evelyn.  She was the greatest love of my life.

Unless a porn star become a genius and is dying to fuck me, I will never find love like this again Yup, that pretty much sums up Jessica.

I came back from New York and sat down at my computer, and I was contacted by a random person.  It thought it was Evelyn. 

It read, I need to tell you something 

I replied, Shoot

I love you

I love you to Evelyn

Who is Evelyn?

I was utterly shocked.  I asked who it was.  When she retorted Jessica The events of the summer hit me in the face all at once.  I saw every clue she had given me and I had missed in one instant an felt stupid.  We talked for 7 hours.  Everything I thought to be true was turned on its head.  I learned the truth about that night.  We both blame Terry for ruining our lives.  We both agree we need to work on interpreting signals.  As we both claim to have given each other blatant clues tat we liked each other.  We laughed about how even with me leaning over him, giving him blow-by-blow directions, Andrew was sexually incompetent.  We cry when we realize the hopelessness of the situation.  I get off the phone with her, I look at a picture of Evelyn, and I am thrown into turmoil and tears. I mourn love for the first time in my life.  I will wait up fro a beautiful girl.  Right now, it doesnt look like it is gonna be Evelyn.  I have lost count of the days about 1 year and 11 months to go.

Chapter 6

Weeks pass, things change again.  I meet another girl, and use her to pas the time. I begin talking to Evelyn every day for hours.  Now it is Jessica who gets pushed to the background.   I love Evelyn more.  This is not to say that I dont adore Jessica, but Evelyn is a little smarter, a little more like me.  At the same time, Jessica is more mature and more insightful.  She has a certain something I cant put my finger on; she has my undying love.  So does Evelyn

Last night something disturbed me.  Things are really going well with me and Eve, and I am currently the most important male in he life.  I want to be her number one.  She told me I was, and then 2 nights ago, she met her Male Equivalent She talked to him for hours.  This is bad.  This is like a gay wedding between my father and my gym teacher.  This guy is a very serious threat to my plans in life.  She said they were not romantically involved though. 

I called her last night; that has now changed.  In a situation almost as cute as me and Evelyns, her and Zach had their romantic encounter.  They were in a parking garage, and the lights went out; he made his move. The lights came back on, and Evelyn asked if the lights were some sort of cosmic clue.  He laughed and agreed.  The lights went off 4 more times.  I know I am being a fucking hypocrite, but this really bothered me.  I couldnt sleep that night.  All I could see was this guy kissing one of my girls, and that pissed me off like no words could describe.  It wasnt directed at anyone, and I didnt really hate anybody. She said herself that this guy was a lit like me.  The guy sounded really cool, the kinda guy I wanted her to be with. I rolled around in bed.  Nightmares of losing her love and admiration.  I feared that this guy would steal her from me. I could not let this happen, but was I not powerless to my own fate?  Was I angry at the guy though?  No, I could relate with him.  We both knew how easy it was to fall for Evelyn.  Conversation is under a certain amount of strain for a week.  Then it all comes out.  I tell her how I really feel Eve, I worry that I am gonna lose you

Lose me? You have nothing to worry about.  I am the one who has gotta worry!  You have Jessica and that other girl, Paris.

So? I dont love them like I love you.  You are like, the only person I care about fully and completely.  You will always bee my number 1.

You mean that? Aww. Well on that note, I only like Zach because he is so much like you."

Lets never worry about leaving each other again" 

I will love you forever."

Me too"

Chapter 7

I look back at my last words of last entry and they haunt me.  Yesterday I broke up with Evelyn.   I couldnt sleep last night, and I cant stop crying today. 

Jessica is back and the way she makes me feel causes me to do things I never thought I could.  We are going to homecoming together, she is going to travel the 500 miles that separate us to see me.  This makes me think of her more then I have control over.  Then she does the unspeakable she started calling me.  She snuck upon me, one day I could think of only Evelyn, and then slowly but surely a week later it was Evelyn who? We have started a tradition of falling asleep to the sound of each others voices.  We speak with such ease.  I feel something I cannot understand; it is beyond my human comprehension.  I feel as if I could fly, as if my heart will carry me to Zion.  Zion is Jessicas bosom right now.  Clawing on the way down, Evelyn falls from Zion, as she no longer symbolizes heaven for me.  She falls also from importance in my life.  She falls farther then Jessica or her ever have.  Evelyn falls to a place where I am not sure if my heart has any room left for her.  I am not sure that I can any longer rip enough of myself away from Jessica to have anything left to give.

Matt, what is gonna to happen if you find someone else, and I am still madly in love with you?

I melt away and any hold Evelyn had on my heart melts away into nothing.

I sense Evelyn cannot compare to Jessica anymore and I have much sorrow.  I think back at all the good times we had together, and how much I loved her.  She still means the world to me, but the love I have for Jessica blinds me; it consumes me, and I can see nothing but her enchanting presence.  Her voice is like a song to me.  It enchants me and takes me away to a utopia of love and admiration.  It caresses me, it blankets me.  It makes me cry.  Its beauty is immense, its power is swift and crushing.  It does this for hours without my knowledge of its passing.  Sometimes I just listen to its breath.  Why do I feel like this? I kinda wish things were simple, I wish I didnt know this voice.  I wish I could just love Evelyn.  This voice came though, and it was more beautiful then I deserve. It was just so much more then I could ever hope for or imagine, and when it spoke to me I could no longer love Evelyn.  When it spoke to me, I could no longer do anything but love it.

I called Evelyn and she told me how much she needed me, she also told me that she loved me; Evelyn had never before told me that she loved me.  I cried of joy and sorrow.  It was a happy moment and at the same time I knew what I had called to tell her.  I delayed the situation and asked her about her day

I dunno I was think about you all day

I didnt melt away this time; it was at this time that I truly realized just how much I love Jessica.  Even Evelyns eloquent speech could no longer sway me; even words of beauty could not cause me to avoid her any longer.

Eve, I (sigh) I have to tell you something and it is not going to make either of us happy

Shoot, when you love me, my life is perfect

How could I do this to her? Maybe I was no longer in love with her, but I still cared a lot for her.  I didnt want to hurt her, but there was no way around it.  I had to tell her, she had to know the truth.

Eve, (sighs) I guess you might never be happy again then

Silence

This kills me as much as it kills you.  I wish I could be everything to everyone.  I want to love you I then broke down crying, and she did too.  Finally, she broke the silence

But you cant

I dont want to, but I have to

That Jessica girl?

With tears still glistening in our eyes I replied from the back of my throat, from the bottom of my soul Yea I sniffled, That Jessica girl

Well I am happy for you.  I am glad that you have found someone who completes you.

Dont you realize that you complete me too? Dont you understand that my entire being wants me to love you, but when I go to do so, I just cant?

I understand, dont worry

I dont think you do.  I am just blinded by the way I feel for Jessica

(Cuts me off) Well I have to go, enjoy your new life

And then she was gone.  There were no words, just tears.

Chapter 8

More weeks pass, 1/8^th of the school year is gone and news comes that over joys me; Jessica is moving down the street from me next year.  I am in disbelief of my own good fortune and yet it only makes me miss her more.  Evelyn is essentially gone.  I felt bad and told her that I wanted her back 3 days after I told her my true feelings.  Those feelings are now replaced by false I love yous and other such cacophony.  My need not to hurt her is overwhelming.  How can I ever tell her the truth again?  I am in a situation with no way out.  I am utterly torn.  I am utterly confused.  I am utterly hopeless. I would usually look at a situation like this and look for some deeply hidden meaning.  In stead I burry myself in Jessica.  I talk to her every night and watch the minutes fall off the clock with the greatest of east.  Things between Evelyn and me become awkward.  We know not what to speak of.  What could we say?  Our old talks fade into the distance; our times of sex surveys and showerheads are forever gone.  All we have left is our love for writing and we no longer share, because she writes of her new loves, and I write of my true feelings.  Things are no longer pretty, things are no longer serene for the first time, I realize how ugly love can be.  It is all part of an elaborate plan; everything happens for a reason.  Why does this happen to me though?  What can I possibly learn from indecision?  By definition, is induction not knowing what to do?   How can I learn anything from a situation that I dont understand? Maybe it teaches me about indecision itself, maybe it, like everything else, happens for a reason. 

It has been established that I love Jessica and Evelyn.  It has been established they both live really fricken far away.  It has been established that I once loved Evelyn so much more but through some unseen power Jessica snuck up on me.  One day I woke up and could think of nothing but Evelyn, and then the next, without reason or warning, I couldnt think of anyone but Jessica.   It has been established that one day I woke up and I loved Jessica and could no longer love Evelyn.  Now, I dont know what to do with myself.  I am in a situation without an escape.  No matter what I do, someone will be hurt, no matter what I say, I will feel horrible and so will they.  I see my exit.  It is a back door, it is a drug, a drink, a blowjob, an Orioles World Series win.  Sometimes one must temporarily run away from ones problems to be able to face them.  David didnt slay Goliath with his hands but rather with the help of a stone he found. I must slay my own demons, but not by indulging them.  When one fights demons with fire they only get stronger; DEMONS ARE FROM HELL DUMBASS! You gotta fight their fiery little asses with Antarctic Cold! Their weapons are fear and anxiety, and our only defense is hope.  Hope is uncaring of fear.  You have another defense; faith. Fait in your destiny. When you believe things will be alright they will be.  When you stand on the top of the world and extend your arms outward so that you are in complete mercy of your fate, then you will have defeated indecision, because indecision is simply looking at ones future with uncertainty and fear.  I now trust in my fate, and I trust that the person I am to spend my life with will be presented to me.  It could be Jessica, it could be Evelyn, Hell it could even be you.

Chapter 9

I sit up and dream of Jessica.  She is a virgin of snow-white complexion.  Ok, so she is fucking naked on my web cam and has an obvious tan-line, but who cares?  Oh now I remember, I do!  I think of her very dualistically.  She is my sexual play toy, and the object of my deepest affection.  We share this dualistic view on our love.  Case in point (her to me) As I see it, we sneak out early, fuck under a bridge, and then go back to your friends car and snuggle and look at the stars

Ok, maybe that is a bit on the normal side.  Yes it is dualistic, but it is so in a way that we all are to an extent.  I mean, hot monkey sex really takes it out of you you gotta lie down and catch your breath afterward.  A better example springs to my head

I just wanna spend all day in our pajamas cuddling while watching Simpsons episodes oh and during the commercials I am gonna force your head between my legs and make you eat me out for all your worth.

The whole thing is, we are both very horny individuals, and it is not that we wouldnt fuck other people, but rather that it just wouldnt be as much fun.  When we have fun together, we can really get into it, because if one of us does something not generally acceptable by polite society like say flatulence it wont gross each other out, but rather it will only endear us to each other more.  I cant ask other people to do certain things; they would think badly of me for it.  If I asked Jessica too Uh well not that I would ever do this, but for example, work a cucumber into he sexual routineshe would laugh and try to bargain it in for a strap on, and I would gladly oblige and that would be the end of that.  Ok, that was obviously purely fictional (she is allergic to cucumbers we would have to use a banana or a frozen Kielbasa).  At the same time though, we are utterly, utterly sappy case in point(yea... there is gonna be some Ebonics in that bear with it get the point)

Matt, I know it would've been much easier to write you an email, but it's two o'clock in the morning and I can't stop thinking about you. So I figured I might as well put my thoughts down on paper. I can't wait to see you again. Im getting so impatient. I know we've already talked about this, but you're all I think about. I'm 15 and in love.... I dunno how else to put it. If what I feel for you isn't love then I can't even begin to imagine what is. My parents are really eager to meet you. I'm not too sure how I feel about that. My dad's been great lately. For a while I really had hard feelings towards him, but things are definitely getting better. If you haven't already, you'll probably notice my hand writing changes from time to time. Sorry for all the mis-spellings, but can u really blame me at 2 o'clock in the morning? Back to the subject, Right now I'd give anything to be w/ u... to see you again. I wanna b able to look into your eyes and just have the chance for a normal conversation... face to face. It's about damn time we see each other again. I wanna be able to ask you what you're thinking and not be the least bit surprised to hear that we are thinking of the same exact thing, how good looking you are.  Haha, I think Ill stop rambling on now.  I'm prolly not making sense anyways.  Hopefully you get the basic idea of what I mean. My mom and I have been getting on each others nerves pretty badly. SO anyways, we got in this big fight and I told her I didn't wanna live here any more, she basically said do what you want, and that hurt.... a lot. I've pissed her off so bad she doesn't even care anymore. Am I really that spoiled? *sigh* God I can't even talk about something else for more than a minute or so and I immediately start thinking about you again. You have me wrapped around your finger or something. It's unexplainable. Wow is that even a word? Like I said... 2 a.m. so pay no attention to those little things. I've most likely told you this many times already, but I honestly haven't ever felt this way before.  Not about anyone. That may be partially due to the fact that Im 15, but I don't think so. To tell you the truth, most people think long distance relationships are ridiculous, but I think if anything, it's made me more attached to you. I really hope I'm not creeping you out or anything, I know that was an issue awhile back, but I can't help it anymore. My feelings aren't changing.  I love you so much it almost hurts. No scratch that... it does hurt. I'm not sure if it's that I feel empty because of the distance between us, or just because my feelings are so overwhelming. Ok I need to stop being such a goddamn sap. But one more thing, I think we should have "a song" What you said about you and me just cuddling (In our p.j.'s if possible) being romantic, I couldn't agree more.  To me, being with you, just sitting next to you again is more than enough for me. (Even though we didn't get to sit next to each other in the first place thanks to our dear friend Terry the whale from hell, which I think, by the way, there should be a movie made about it or something. It being "The Whale" naturally...) sorry bout that. I tend to go off on little whims from time to time. I think I'm gonna tattoo your name on my forehead... seriously.... I'll do it w/ a knife and pen ink. I'll have my friend do it for me. *Sarcasm* Well matt, If I had the opportunity, I'd write to you all night, but I have to get up early tomorrow. Ill be thinking of you. Love you always 

XoXo Jessica

You think hers was bad

Whoa

I am not to be outdone... As I look over your letter over and over again, I cannot help but cry... I cannot help but melt.  I feel the exact same way.  I have been looking for a soul mate for 6 years... that is a long ass time when you 16, and now, I feel like I have found it.  I have never felt like this before about anyone.  My dad was sad and dreary, and then I called you, we spoke for maybe 10 minutes, and already my day was made happy once again.  I know this is foolish to say, because every time I have said it, I have been proven wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life on this earth with you. I cannot see how anyone could be loved by me more.  You are everything I hope for, you are everything I need.  You say your 15, and in love.  I say we are two people the world would call children having a relationship with love deeper then most adults can, or will ever feel.  You get a little murky in the middle of the e-mail.  I realize that only I could understand what the holy hell it is that you are trying to say, and then I think of the answering machine message.  Your mother was without a clue as to what I said; yet you understood perfectly.  Many people cannot understand us; in essence we speak our own language.  We are one person, we both think undyingly, and unwaveringly of one thing, each other.  You worry about creeping me out, that is something you will never have to worry about.  The feeling we have for others often scare them, we both are hopeless romantics.  Previously, I was confused, and so were you, I didn't know what I wanted, and you didn't know what the hell I really meant when I said "I mean, your really obsessed" I meant it like "jeeze you really love me, I am not used to this, well I can't let you love me if I am not going to see you" It, like many other events, was the result of us not becoming fully accustomed to each others language...we are now, we are fully accustomed to the quirks of each other, and we only love each other more for it... Damn I wish you were here.

I love you, now and forever

Master O Mounds

Yea we are the horniest saps and/or the sappiest horn-dogs around.  She is coming to homecoming with me, only 12 days until I see her.

Chapter 10

Things become resolved between Evelyn, and me I quiet her with a friends with benefits bullshit speech.  I dunno, that really is what I want her to be for me, but at the same time, I really dont know how I feel for her.  What can I do in the face of this besides let things come as they go?  Patience is a virtue I am lacking in, a virtue I have no stomach for.  Time passes too slowly and I dont have the time to wait.  I wish everything would be magically become clear, I wish that tomorrow I will wake up next to the girl I am to spend the rest of my life with.  I will watch her sleep with a wide smile on my face, worries quieted, life serene. I will slowly raise my hand up to her face, and gently brush the hair from her face. Her flowing, shining, gleaming hair I will brush behind her ears while I caress her cheekbones with my thumb.  Her eyes slowly flutter open and she sleepily looks into my eyes.  My smile widens as does hers.  I slowly mouth good morning.  I lean in and kiss her; slowly and lightly.  I get out of bead leaving this woman to lunge and fall back to sleep.  I put on my robe and go into the room of my sleeping daughter Brenna Shanley.  I tuck her back into bed.  I then to into my son Aidens Room.  He is already awake kicking the living crap out of a pillow.  He is my little warrior.  I wrestle with him, and I tire out long before he does.  He climbs onto his bed, and jumps onto me.  I play dead on the ground, and he goes and grapes the sword I have bought him.  He stabs me in the ribs repeatedly. I all of a sudden come to life during one of his thrusts and grab the sword.  I throw him to his bead and tickle him I grab the pillow in my right hand and talk to it while I continue to tickle him on his stomach. Whats that Mr. Pillow? Aidens Mommy aint fat! I bring the pillow to my ear Shut yo mouth dont make me sick Aiden on you After more feigned speech from the pillow, I release Aiden and hold the pillow outward Get em, teach him a lesson I leave him to destroy the pillow I go into my study, and begging to write.  Around 8 I come out of my study and carry Brenna back to bed with me.  My woman breastfeeds my daughter and I join in the suckling. My woman gets out of bed and puts Brenna back to sleep, and I go into the kitchen to make breakfast for my son.  After breakfast, I send my four-year-old son into his room to get dressed.  I kiss my wife again, and as my son comes out of his room I tell her I will be back in an hour.  Me and Aiden go on a long ride in my black sports car through the crags and mountains around our Southwestern Irish home.  We come back home and I greet the both of my girls (my wife and my daughter).  I allow my woman to take a shower while I hold down the fort.  The children both go off their own way and I put on a history program for Aiden, he is a genius, like both of his parents.  Brenna is put in her playpen with a rattle in her hands.  My wife comes out of the shower and takes control of the little rascals and I go back into my study to write the day away. I write about my future; I write about my past, I write about my kids.  At 8 pm I come out and have dinner and play with Aiden some more.  He is asleep by 9.  Me and my woman talk while we cuddle on the couch.  We retire to our bedroom and lock the door.  After our nightly activities, we fall asleep in each others arms.  I come back to reality; I come back to Jessica on the phone with me.  So what do you want to name our kids?

Chapter 11

I grow weary of talking of woman. I grow tired of dealing with this struggle.  I just want to succumb to my writing. I just want to succumb to this everlasting fate.  I throw myself off a mountain and allow angels to catch me.  I panic when and when I realize I am still falling, even though I am in their arms, and so I start grabbing for rocks and twigs that line the ridges of the mountain.  This only worsens my fall though, for by trying to save myself, I only kill myself. The closer I get to the ground, the faster I fall, and the more I flail.  I finally accept my death and give up trying.  I prepare to give my soul to God when I find myself back in the arms of an angel.  This is my life.  I often try way to hard to influence my fate, try to force things upon myself.  I tray to make people love me, and I try to make myself love people me. I flail and my arms grab for rocks that simply arent there.  The Angels are shaken off, and I start to fall again.  I drink myself into sloth and disinterest in an attempt to write better.  I have found a rock to hang on by hanging is not good enough.  I grab for a twig or a shrub to pull myself on top of this rock; it breaks and I find myself falling again.  I continue the cycle of grabbing and falling, and then being caught by angels who want to take me to the ground.  See, they know where to drop me off, they know what is at the bottom of this pit.  I try to force a friendship; fall, flail, catch.  I finally learn to give in.  When I wake up I from this dream of sorts, I am with my angel.  She has brought me back to earth.  Thank you my love.

Chapter 12

Just when you think that things are set in stone, and that you have found exactly what it is you are looking for, when you least expect it, something just comes way the hell out of left field and surprises and delights the hell out of you.  I stole that line out of the last book I wrote, but shit, Evelyn is back, and I love her more then ever.  It was weird, because for all intensive purposes, Jessica had won, she was gonna be the one. So many nights on the phone with her lead me to become addicted to her voice. I would just melt to its sound.  I got a call one day that made me melt as it always did.  I lay on the floor, and I was paralyzed by how I felt.  My eyes teared up as my true feelings came out.  There was something different about today though.  I couldnt put my finger on it.  It just wasnt the same as usual. The voice just didnt sound the same.  It was Evelyn, and for that moment I completely forgot about Jessica.  This is the last thing in the world I thought I would do, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but fate reared its ugly head, and I was at its mercy.   I knew better then to even try to escape it, and at the same time I was so hopelessly infatuated.  One day Evelyn was gone, and I was exchanging sappy poetry with Jessica, and then I wake up the next mourning and things are completely set on their head.  Evelyn has a tendency of doing that.  It aint the first time she did it. 

As for the first time I fell for Evelyn, as for when it all started, read my other book.  If you really wanna know bad enough you will read a book I wrote well as opposed to this sack of shit. I mean, their aint no humor in this book.  All there is sappy shit.  I will work on changing that.

But yea Jessica called the other night.  The main conversation was baby names.  Yea, so in my head I am thinking haahhahha, I gonna fuck Jessica, and then I gonna have a kid, and I gonna name him Aiden.  Who the fuck cares what I name him, this means an excuse for sex whenever I want it. Me and Eve (just in case you havent noticed, I call Evelyn Eve cause I am a lazy sack of shit that dont feel like pushing the extra keys.  I guess it also has something to do with extreme impatience.  I mean, shit, I got stuff to write, I wanna get to the good part, I dont wanna spend time writing out the name that is most sacred to me!) were talking about baby names, and she really seemed to love all of my names.  Ok, fuck the long story, right now I can only think of how beautiful she is, how much I want to be with her.  I am now truly madly in love, because what I fell drives me insane. I want to kiss every square inch of her body.   Especially her stomach.  Dont ask me why, I dont know either.  I cant even describe what I want.  Now to run my hands over her skin would be heaven.  As I said, I just want to kiss every square inch of her body.  Some areas longer then others.

Ok, I got that out of my system, sorta.  I have expunged the need be all sappy about it, I still feel it.  I mean, I feel such utter love for her, but I have vented a bit, and I feel more at peace with my feelings.  Now I can back to my little story.  So Eve loved all of my names.  Ok, she loved the ones that I really loved. Wither she was just kissing my ass, or wither she meant it, it was immaterial.  I started to realize that there were differences between me and Jessica that just didnt exist between Eve and me.  Eve was a much better writer then Jessica, and she had a much similar outlook on life.  Jessica was a beautiful girl with huge tits, who can write; sorta.  She can also philosophize; sorta.  I might be wrong, but in this moment I think; I know  that Evelyn and me are utterly perfect for each other, and Jessica is just something that I have to pass the time.  Make no mistake about it, I enjoy Jessica, but once again, one of my Japs have come out of nowhere to make me love them and forget about the other.

So for the third time, Evelyn and me were talking about baby names.  We got off that subject in like 3 seconds, and then she started talking about her.  Only when in love can you listen to a girl ramble about herself for 45 minutes.  Only when truly in love can the girl not want to, and will you try to force her to.  I just wanted to hear her voice.  Just like Jessica, her voice enchanted me and took me to a place where there were no worries, and nothing bad, nothing unholy, nothing that didnt make my life amazing and infinitely beautiful.

What more can I say? You have been in love, you know how it feels.  Damn, titts are like Kryptonite for guys.  I mean, titts will make you do shit you would never do otherwise.  Would any man naturally give anything up or care for anyone else?  Tits make us say the 3 words men cant say.  I love you so simple, yet you try saying it to a girl without practicing.  It doesnt come out when you mean it.  When your bullshitting it comes out really easy.  So woman, when your man tells you that he loves you without stuttering, ask him to do something for you.  He is either really and truly infatuated, or trying to get shit out of you.  Therefore, if he does it for you, you know the guy aint fucking around(well, if he is, youre his number one fucking partner) and if he dont get it, you know he was just trying to get shit from you. Anyway, titts make men try to say I love you.  The thing is Evelyn has never been a girl of tits, I would say she is much more of a legs girlhow much I would like to run my tongue up and down her thighs and then ahemwell yea, what I am trying to say is that she makes me want to do so much more.  I want to kiss her soul.  Yet another line I stole from my last book, but it is my goddamn book, at least I am now just stealing shit from myself as opposed to stealing from other people.  Well, she makes me wanna do things I just cant describe.  There are 720 something days until I can move back to New York.  The way I feel right now,  if day 1 was today, I would have moved there yesterday.  Never have I had to live so damn hard for tomorrow.

Chapter 13

Weeks pass again.  It took me a while to get to writing again. I wrote a lot of notes to Jessica and a lot happened.  I dont know.  I have one hell of a lot to write about though.  One hell of a lot has happened.  Sadly I now must say that I have found stability in Jessica.  (As I read a paragraph from my last entry, it disturbs me.  I said Jessica couldnt write, and that her philosophies werent that deep.  She is a genius in all fields.  She just doesnt feel the need to tell me about it and share it with me every chance she gets.)    It might be short lived, but right now is also being felt now

Chapter 14

and now as well.  A day passes.  I feel the same.  I love Jessica and I love Evelyn in such different ways.  Allow me to walk you through the last 2 weeks of my life. Go ahead, take a shit, get something to drink, write out your will, and tell you momma ya love her, cause this is gonna take a while.

I keep thinking about Evelyn, she has that effect on people.  Every day is a just one long period of waiting followed by short spells of indulgent with her.  I year to see her, but so many miles separate us.  Feelings of helplessness are trite, and yet their effects are crushing.   I am a slave of my yearnings; a prisoner of my emotions.  Things go back to exactly the way the way they used to be. Well not really though.  I sense that there is a growing distance between us We used to sit on the phone and fee a real connection. This is no longer.   It feels well normal.  This isnt good when we used to talk to each other, we would melt to the sound of each others voices.   Now, we simply exchanged words.  They felt empty, and while they werent they failed to posses their old fullness. I no longer got off the phone like I had just had sex, now I got off the phone and felt like I had just talked to an old friend.  I guess the feeling is not having sex for the fifth time, when it starts getting a bit old(well it aint new and exciting anymore); it still feels good, and it makes you happy, but, I just doesnt have that same oomph.  You finish and you go to sleep.  You no longer linger around in bed thinking about it.  We now talked about simple things, like what was going on in our lives.  No longer did we discuss deep theological or philosophical issues; just whom we were currently romantically involved with, and those things that were happening in our lives.  I learn that I am not a great sender of instant messages.  Evidently my fingers do not move as quickly as my mouth.  We speak of what we have been writing lately, I share mine, and she shares hers.  Both reflect unsureity of how we feel about each other, and this causes the conversation to end abruptly out of awkwardness.  It is Friday, and Jessica is at her homecoming.  I retreat to bed early and honestly believed that I would be able to keep it up into the summer.

I wake up and greet both of my girls over the computer.  I hear about Jessicas homecoming, which she claimed to involve no contact with males.  I want to believe her, and I choose to do so.  She was out until 2 am.  I hope that I will be allowed to be out that late with her. 

It is final; I shall see her in one week.  One week from now she will be with me, and I cannot help but be torridly happy. At the same time, Evelyn weighs heavily on my mind.  I dont know what it is about her, but something is there that makes her renewed presence a lot more special.  I then speak to her.  She worries about hurting her friend, as she has ensnared the heart of yet another man.  One that has ensnared the heart of her friend.  I envy this man in this moment, and somewhere in my head, I hope that she wishes this man was me.  I have to leave momentarily, and I accidentally leave the following message as a response for my absence; I meant to select a message that lists my favorite pet names for the female genitalia, but instead left the following

Evelyns back and she makes my balls bubble hey la, hey la, Evelyns back her titts might be small, but they are nicely proportioned, and she wants to suck my dong.. hey la, hey la, Evelyns back

I came back to my computer hour later to find both Jessica and Evelyn furiously angry.  Both of them seriously contemplated never speaking to me again; Jessica was more confused while Eve was hurt.  Eve told me how bad I had fucked up.  She scolded me, and rightfully so, for comparing her to Jessica.  I was yelled at for making a game out of loving her and Jessica.  She yelled at me for treating her as if she were a sexual object.  My own stupidity was coming back into my face all at once, and everything I had done wrong was reaping what I had sown.  It felt like razor blades cutting into my eyeballs as she flatly told me that I had fucked up the love she had once had for me, and how I had pissed it away.  She told me that she hated me more then any person she had ever known; and then she was gone, presumably, forever.  I was in utter disbelief.  Shocked I leaned back in my chair and allowed myself to slowly decompose.  My eyes did not blink; they dried and started to water.  I dont know how long I sat like that, but I was confused, and angry and most of all bereaved.  It felt as if she had died.  I would never see her again, and I knew that would leave no time to right the wrongs.  I would forever be an asshole, and that could not change.  I gathered myself up in my chair and tried to talk to her friends.  Maybe they could help me, maybe they could tell me what It is that I had to do to make all well again.  Meanwhile Jessica was hurt.  While Evelyn had found a person superior to I, Jessica hadnt and right now I realize that Evelyn is nowhere near Jessicas beauty, love, romanticism, and ass quality.  We will get back to that later though.  So Jessica is repeatedly asking me why I would do something like that.  Although I can hear her voice I can see her pain.  It statically travels over time and space, and I can almost telepathically hear her whimpers. As I try to sooth her and apologize and explain, Evelyns friends all hear about what I did and abruptly stop talking to me.  As I am telling them to tell eve that I am sorry, that I didnt mean it that way, they all get the news and eerily go away.  I heard what you did appears on my computer screen after a detached ring, and then they are all gone.  All I have now is time and Jessica.  Jessica then leaves, and I have nothing but time. My sorrow cripples me.  I cannot move, and I can only wait.  If neither of them had ever come back in one form or another, I would have sat there forever.  Evelyn came back, but it wasnt her.  Instead her friend told me about her new boyfriend, and how he was gonna come all the way to wherever the hell it is that I live to kick my ass.  I lay a beaten man.  I lay unmoving on the dessert sands of my own asininity.  The vultures picked at my flesh.  All day I tried to talk to her, and all day I got no answer from her.  I left apologies on her answering machine to no avail and the only thing it did was sadden me to the imposing reality that it was over.  Finality sucks.  One by one, things started picking up.  All these things were coming around to bite me in the ass.  I was the hopeless and hapless victim of my own actions, and frankly, I didnt like it.  I take that back, to register feeling would require me to not be so numb to the world that I couldnt feel anything.  And ass all the things I had said and done were thrown in my face, a bird flew into my window.  His bloody beak left its mark on the window.  He tried to fly away.  The only problem was he had flown into my basement window and the wells of the window were too deep for him to fly out.  We looked at each other, and we understood each others plight.  I opened the window and he perched himself on my hand.  I carried him through the house and perched him on a tree.  God I wish someone could pick me up and carry me out of the hole I have gotten myself into. 

It was about 7:00 that night, I still sat in front of my computer; hoping and waiting a response.  An enraged holler breaks the silence.  Master of Mounds get up here

I had broken something, I was always breaking something, and it was always my fault.

My father yelled at me and held up a bicycle pump.

Goddamnt, I work hard for things and you always go and break it.  Do you know what it is like to have someone go and break EVERYTHING?  Damnt you paying for this.  You have enough money to go to homecoming?  Then you have enough money to buy me a new pump (Ladies and Genitalmen, my father the tyrannical prick).

Ok, so Im going downstairs before I do something I am gonna regret.

I see anger and fear enter his eyes and he pushes me against a wall.

Are you threatening me?  I dont respond well to threats

I spit in his face fuck off old man, before I break your hip.  Go back to doing what comes naturally to you; ass-raping little boys He hits me shortly powerfully across my face, busting my lower lip.  It bleeds.  I suck the blood back into my mouth.  He gets both hands around my throat and chokes me against the wall.  I do not scream, I do not fight, I just smile at him eerily, and spit my blood in his face.  My mother has seen enough and finally kicks his ass out before I start to loose consciousness.  I retreat to the basement.  I cry, healthily and unbridled.  Evelyn still hasnt responded. Then she does speak.

I am not angry a feeling of relief comes over me.  This shatters in the most hurtful phrase I have ever heard because that would mean I gave a damn I really dont, and if you died I would feel no sorrow.  I started writing my suicide note.  I felt like no one in the world cared about me.  I left a new away message.  My suicide note.  I waited for people to see it and care.  No one did.  I walked into my bathroom and locked the door.  I wrapped my belt around m neck, and got ready to end my life which had fallen apart so utterly that day.  I kicked the stool out from under me, and I hung from a hook I had just drilled into the ceiling. I heard a sound.  Someone had cared enough to call my cell phone.  I reached into my pocket and angrily answered the phone Im hanging.

I know, and I love you too much to let you die.

I hit the floor.  I had never really left it.  She called as I was kicking the stool out from under me.  I hung by a rung of my belt with the hook fed through it.  As the phone rang, I quickly took the belt off the hook and fell to the floor as the stool fell from under me.  I then answered her call.  We talked for a half hour, and in the end I realized how loved I was; I realized I loved her too much to kill myself.  I had something to live for no matter how much life sucked. I would see her in a week.  She had to go, and I understood.  She reminded me that she loved me, and I told her I loved her as well.  I tog out of that basement and had a long rendezvous with Mary Jane behind the house.  I stumbled into bed and through about tomorrow.  I laughed hysterically as a toilet flushed, and when I finished, I fell fast asleep.

I called Jessica every day that week, and what I felt for her was stronger then I knew to be possible.  I wanted her more then words can describe, and was counting down eh seconds until I could see her again.  We sat on the phone and melted to the sound of each others voices.  We became hopelessly devoted to each others presences.  We spoke about everything, and about absolutely nothing.  One re-occurring theme was what was it really going to be like seeing each other for the first time in 3 months. How could we contain ourselves when such strong feelings coursed through our veins?  We entertained the thought of just running into the wood and copulating.  We spend most of our time ironing out the smaller details.  No doubt it was romantic, but it shouldnt have been.  I dont see what is so amazing about figuring out where the limo is gonna go but hell, we made the most of it.

Out of a fog of remarkable, yet un-eventful conversations came the day of homecoming.  It was strange, but as I woke up, it was not exciting as I expected it to be.  It was nowhere near as grandiose as I had anticipated.  There was no choir of angels in my hallway, and this disappointed me on a deeper level.  I feared I wasnt going to get laid, and this really worried med.  Can you imagine, not getting laid on homecoming?  The full horror hit me, and I went to go relieve myself in more then one way.  I came back with my head almost completely cleared for at least a half hour.  I ate a meager breakfast of strawberries.  I had heard that it sweetened the taste of a certain bodily fluid.  I was in a cold mode of preparation, and everything, from the crease of my pants to the flavor of my man milk was being addressed with an over bearing seriousness.

So I take great time and effort in my getting ready for this huge night, and I stood 6 hours later in front of a mirror.  Staring at myself, I noticed a tall lanky boy of 15 with curly hair and tux fitting perfectly around his body.  I looked good, and I knew it. It was at this point that my perfect little plan ceased to work and I got word from my friend (whom I was sharing the limo with) that my limo was small, cramped and dirty.  It was 4:30; the limo was to get there in 15 minutes.  I didnt get there for another 35.  The limo was small, as promised.  It was dirty, as promised, and it was really fricking ugly.  This was not the limo I had envisioned, but due to a euphoria which was kicking in untimely late, I didnt care.  I was going to see Jessica within moments.  I was sadly wrong, as the limo driver didnt know to get to her house, or my friends dates house either.  45 minutes later, everything had been figured out and I was walking up to Jessicas aunts house.  It finally hit me to its fullest extent when I saw here.  She was stunning, but she looked almost nothing like I remembered her. Her voice didnt seem to match her outward beauty.  She was uglier, and at the same time so much more beautiful.  She was not the girl I had dreamed of; but I liked the girl that stood before me a lot more.  I was not nervous though.  Her uncle took out a butcher knife; I cringed. He laughed, and told me to get her home by midnight.  The knife came down on a cucumber and 2 apples.  I placed my hand on her back and hurried her out the door.

Your family scares me. When was the last time he castrated a boyfriend of yours?

well he has never castrated anyone, but my mother, whoa, watch out when she has sharp objects in her hands.

I got her into the limo, and expected it to be about 20 seconds before I was on top of her.  She introduced herself to my friends date, and they started talking.  The twenty seconds pass, and they are still talking.  I join in a minute or so as I realize that yet another element of my night had been seriously fucked up.  I came to enjoy myself thought, for eventually I realized the great fun we were having, and the love I was feeling for her.  Just looking at her made my heart sing.  In the awe I was in of her, a moment becomes frozen in my mind; for as we were riding through a tree-lined lane, the sun came through those trees and hit her face in such a way that she herself seemed to be emanating radiance.  To me she was.  I didnt tell her about it at the time though, as conversation was in full swing.  We went to dinner, and ate off each others forks.  We would find ourselves off in our own little world every once in a while, and we would have to be brought back to reality by my friend Montae and his date Gina. 3 hours after I had picked her up, we were driving back from our dinner in the city, and my hand moved up her thigh.  It was soft and creamy, and wonderful. How long had I yearned to run my hands over her uncovered legs, and now as I did they were so much better then I had imagined.  I was in ecstasy dragging my fingers up and down the sides of her thighs.  I longed to kiss her, but I knew there was simply no place for it, as the four of us had a certain closeness, and Me and Jessica had too much respect for Montae and Gina to just jump on top of each other.  Gina offered to ride up front, or otherwise give us privacy, but there was no way to do so. I guarantee you that if we had had that privacy we would have been on top of each other; but we never got that privacy, so we would just have to wait a bit longer.  The moment we got out of the limo, my hand became plastered to her ass.. she had the best ass, and the most of it I had ever thought possible for a girl with a body as nice as hers.  I felt a sense of glorious detachment from the world around me as I held that booty.  She would allow it for a while, but then yell at me for it.  She would always do so with a smile, thus indicating to the both of us that her grievances were more complaints she felt obligated to make, then things that actually bothered her.  We moved like this to get our pictures taken, hand-on-ass in hand-on-ass.  The pictures themselves were taken this way as well, my hand cupping that glorious booty. We walked like this to the dance floor as well, where suddenly realized that I was a white Irish male, and my hopes of dancing the night away were gonna amount to about jack-shit.  I balked for about 5minutes, and then I heard it; a song unfamiliar to my ears.  As I listened to its simple, and evidently unchained melody, I got Goosebumps.  I looked at her, and it was obvious she felt the same way, she offered her hand to me, I instead too her entire body into my arms.  She fit so perfectly against me.  My hands settled on once again cupping her ass as I pulled her closer to me.  As our legs straddled each others, we began to move; slowly and rhythmically, to the beating of each others hearts.  I slowly moved my head onto her shoulder, and got my eyes on the puppies She noticed, and quickly covered them.  My head lifted off her shoulder and I came to see her eyes glowing in mine.  Our song ended, and many more came, and many more went, meshing into the background as we tightly clutched onto each other.  In time we got closer still, and after a certain amount of blurred music and an embrace that rocked back and fourth with our hips, I once again buried my face into her neckline.  I took in its marvelous scent, and could no longer restrain myself.  I slowly brought my lips to her neck.  Her aroma and taste were too much for me to simply stop after a short embrace, and so I indulged myself again and again as I worked my way up her neck.  I stopped finally, after I had been momentarily fulfilled in the worship of her skin and gazed into the eyes that looked back at me so lovingly.  I love you I mouthed over the general buzz of the gym we were dancing in.  My head went back to her shoulder, and once again my eyes were on the puppies I worked my mouth towards them, and she stopped to reprimand me and direct my head upward.  As she did, we found ourselves eye-to-eye, mouth-to-mouth.  I didnt kiss her then; instead I just smiled widely, and returned to her neck.  I kissed my way up it once again, and when I had reached her ear, I lightly nibbled on the lobe and whispered to her You are so fucking beautiful.  I pulled away to see the reaction her eyes gave me.  No more would I wait; I softly brought my lips to hers.  The experience was different then anything I had ever felt before.  Time truly did seem to stand still, and I felt l could see myself kissing her in that instant forever.  It also just felt right, I dont even know how to describe it, but I had dreamed of how a kiss should feel since I was in 6^th grade.  It felt like that this time, when in all the times before it had just seemed sloppy and otherwise wrong.  Our lips seemed to fit perfectly together; they seemed to move perfectly in sync.  Her tongue flicks lightly over mine. And then retreats back into her cavernous mouth, I play the game and follow suit.  She breaks the embrace and looks innocently back at me as she licks her lips. She looked almost like a deer in headlights.   I know I looked the exact same way. We were both blinded by the love we felt for each other.  We then resumed our dancing of sorts.  In reality we could not dance, but rather all we could do was to hold each other, and rock back and fourth slowly as we tried to regain our balance from the way that we utterly floored each other.  We buried ourselves into each others shoulders, and before long I was once again kissing my way up and down her neck.  I looked up again and caught her smiling.  I enveloped her dimple into my mouth.  She shifted hers and to me into her mouth again.  I felt weightless.  Again it felt so well placed. As if we were designed by God to kiss each other.  There was, well suction.  I know that sounds weird, but there was, and that made it ever the more amazing.  She put her hands to my face and pulled herself away.  As my eyes opened to see hers also opening, she look memorized as if she were drunk.  The taste and texture of each others mouths was intoxicating. Time meshed into itself and we meshed equally into each other.  The lights came on, and we were dancing forehead to forehead; eyes asphyxiated on each others.  She kisses me again; quickly and completely unexpectedly.  I was shocked, and overjoyed by it.  Our lips barely touched, but the fact that she had initiated it was absolutely amazing to me.  She also could not have done it in a more perfect instant, for as our lips met and parted, the final piano note of the final song sounded.  We walked into the cold and waited for my father to get there(I asked him to pick us up, as I was too cheep/too broke to hire the limo to get us home).  We found a bench, and she sat on my lap.  I perched my head on her shoulder, and we cried over our impeding separation.  We sat there going over our night, and trying to make the most of our final moments together.  After about 7.534324 minutes of that, we started walking; not because we had any particular destination, but rather because we knew not what else to do.  I turned to her, and in classic fashion (for me at least) asked her for one for the road She happily obliged, and we spent the next 15 minutes walking with our eyes closed; and our lips and hands and tongues an teeth and necks and chests and legs intertwined.  When it broke, we realized my dad was there. We got into the car and started to make worthless conversation; I had other plans.

So how did it go?

My hand moved to her thigh, slowly caressing upward.

It was great, not half long enough though

Her hand clutched my wrist and pushed it farther upward.

But did you have fun?

My hand worked down her stomach and then down the side of her leg, where there was a slit in the side of the dress.  The feeling of her uncovered thighs was surreal.

Why naturally

Her hand moved to my crotch.

She replies Your son is quite the entertaining individual

My hand moves to hers.

Ha, ha. Yea, he really is a different kinda kid

Her hand moves off of my crotch, slowly dragging her hand up my stomach and chest. And then down my arm.   Her hand finds mine.  I immediately forget about any sexual motives, and interlace my fingers with hers.  I felt it to be strangely over-dramatized, as it felt way too good for what it was.  So simple, so elementary.  I mean, this was the kind of shit that made girls in the 4^th grade and your parents happy, not a 15-year-old male.  With her hand in mine though, a certain level of serene joy came over me once again; we seemed to fit together quite well in every conceivable way.  I dont remember what we talked about on the ride home after that point; but I do remember speaking, and I do know it was coherent; which is strange, but a miracle in itself.  As we snuck in a quick kiss in the back of my fathers late model Lexus sedan, I realized how amazing she was, how amazing the night had been.  We arrived at her house to find her father waiting for us.  I have her a quick hug and the greatest night of my young life came to an abrupt end.  I reached into my pocket for a piece of gum, and my hand came upon a different kind of package with flavored chewy green contents.  I doubt, however that it would have felt, or looked very good to have a glow in the dark, green, and apple flavored contraceptive in my mouth.  The night had turned out nothing like I thought it would, but in hindsight, it was for the better.  Nothing was turning out like I thought it would, but in the end, it is all for the better.

Chapter 15

I went into school that Monday grinning about my Saturday night, and no sooner then I enter my first hour class  I see my entire world come crashing down again as a stupid bitch who I will prefer to refer to as stupid-cock-sucking-bitch #1 says to me Your date was fat and ugly  he continues a barrage on Jessica, one which the teacher decided to join in on.  My teacher, a man of about 54, who we will refer to as stupid-cum-slurping-bitch # 3/8  chimed in with Well, I guess when he ordered her from the factory, he asked for them to Supper-Size the order.  Did they charge you by the pound?  I watched as the best night of my life, and the person dearest to me were simultaneously torn limb from limb.   I got up out of my seat and grabbed stupid-cum-slurping-bitch # 3/8 by the arm and led him into his office.  As I yelled at him for his obvious asinine mistake, I realized how much I cared for Jessica, as becoming physical and yelling at your physics teacher, as if he were a student, is ill-advised.  I came out that battle without a scar, as I came out of every battle I fought that day.  It seems that the whiter the kid got, the less they seemed to have liked my date, and the more they felt the need to comment on her.  By lunch I was damn near my breaking point, as stupid-cock-sucking-bitch #1 asked if I had to strap an oversized load sign on her ass.  I pretended to laugh, and then proceeded to hit him upside his head with my lunch tray.  Food smothered itself into every crevasse of stupid-cock-sucking-bitch #1s face.  I laughed again, and threw a hard right hand.  It came flush against his cheek bone, and sent his sprawling out of his seat.  Blood smeared across his face; and across my hand.  As he tried to get up, I kicked him as hard as I could in the ribs as the teachers pulled me off him.  I spit at him as they roughly dragged my ass to the principals office.  I write this during my 2 day suspension. I intermediately loose myself in writing  her name repeatedly.  I over her more then ever now, for now I have showed myself  how much she means to me.  She made me break stupid-cock-sucking-bitch #1s jaw, and made me stand up to stupid-cum-slurping-bitch # 3/8.  I will go back to mindlessly writing her name now.  More tomorrow.  Today I see only 76 more days to go until I see her again.  She is coming in for Christmas, she might move back during the break, we might run away with each other.

Chapter 16

I didnt write again tomorrow. Today I look at about 53 days until I see her again, 23 have passed.  Shit happens at a slower pace then usual, I settle in to long conversations with Jessica.  I start partying with my friend David; we smoke a lot, drink a lot.  I dont fuck as much as I would like, but not from lack of opportunities.  All kinds of girls now want to fuck me.  I dont blame them, but  at the same time, I am awestruck.  Why now?  Why do they pursue me when I  have a girl that I so adore?  Do they not know how much pain they cause me to have to pull myself away from their magnificent breasts, or silky mouth?  I dont want to cheat, but I somehow end up doing so anyway.  I dont want to cheat on Jessica, but I require having lips on mine every once in a while, it helps me cope with not being with her. 

Chapter 17

I am in her web, there is no longer any escape from how I feel, and the way our lives are to turn out.  The more I fight, the deeper I am drawn into her.  Other girls come now, and I still can not defeat their charms.  I eventually give into them, but she is on my mind all the while.  Her skin is burned into my fingertips.  I dont want anyone else, but at the same time I dont want to spend the rest of my life with only this girl.  I have never had the experience of sex for fun.  Until recently, no one cared for me.  Now that I have the love of a very small few, I am overwhelmed.  I dont want to cheat, but I want to experience other girls.  They can not compare to her, but it is still fun.  If she were here, I dont think I would even ponder the possibility of other girls.  She aint here though,, and every weekend I see a girl named Kerry.  She is so hot, and in her own way beautiful.  I love her, but in such a different way.  I dont even know how to describe it, they are objects of completely different kinds of affection.   I am sentimental with Jessica, and I have fun with Kerry.  This is not to say that I dont have fun with Jessica though.  I dunno.  I cant have the kind of fun I have with Kerry with Jessica by virtue of her distance.   I want to say that when Jessica returns, Kerry will go away , but I also care for Kerry; in a much more drinking-buddy sort of way.  If she fucks other people, I dont care.  If I loose her, it wont be a big thing.  She is jus a friend.  I like to screw around with her.  We use each other as test dummies for new sexual positions.  We practice the flyingdouble-headed llama on each other, and we make each other laugh.  I help her with her boyfriend.  I hope she will help me with Jessica.  I protect her from guys who want to fuck her physically, she protects me from girls who want to fuck me financially.  I teach her about the history of the world, she listens intently.  She drives me home when I am too drunk to drive.  I let her sleep at my house when she is too stoned to go home.  I am kinda like her big brother then she takes her pants off, and she becomes my master.  I dont me she is my dominatrix, but rather that she teaches me so much sexually, and in contrast to the outside world, inside her pants, I am the naive one.  I lover her like a Mafioso loves his favorite whore.  She is almost inferior to me, I look at her as a stupid kid.  I guess she looks up to me.  Jessica is my equal though.  We look at each other as objects of perfection.  With Kerry, I tell her what I know and she just listens; with Jessica, we take what we know and create new ideas.  I need Kerry and I need Jessica.  The latter a shit-load more then the previous.  Both of them are important to me, both of them are cherished and loved.  I love them so differently that I find no trouble loving them both.  Life is good; Kerry is even better when it comes to oral sex.

Chapter 18

Me and Jessica had a most interesting conversation today.  It was of the horribly sappy sort.  Talk of marriage meanders around the fringe of reality.  We know we want to spend the rest of our lives together.  Matrimony looms in the distance, a foolish and distant goal.  The thing is, the way I am, I will always love her.  I still love Eve, eve though she hates me, and I still have love for Hannah, even though I hate her.  I know Jessica will always love me, because If she hasnt stopped loving me yet, she never will.  So I called her last night, and she steals a page out of my book and asks me Have I told you I loved you lately? 

My face lights up and I girlishly bit my lower lip No, you havent, but feel free to do so

K , well I was just asking

I laughed and I felt like a kiss was in order.  I dunno what it was, but a quick kiss just seemed so appropriate for the moment.  It obviously couldnt happen, as the miles that separated us were simply to great to overcome.  The fact that I yearned for her lips was also too great to overcome, and I told her about it.  God I wanna kiss you right now

Me too, I want you so fucking bad.  I love you so much, and I really wanna fuck you right now

At this point my limbs went into temporary shock and I just fell on my face.  A few unintelligible sounds were emitted from my mouth. Ive really corrupted you, havent I?

Maybe.  Oh and Ive decided that I am against foreplay

This isnt proposition A, you cant just be against foreplay

I mean next time I see you we are skipping it

But.. but.. thats my favorite part

Dont care I want you to practice hitting you knees at speed.

I gasped again Your gonna be singing a different tune when I grab you around the waist and rip your cloths off.

yea, I will be it will go a little something like this(insert over-the-top orgasm)

Please say that was fake

AhI will never tell

MyGod well anyway back to conversation that doesnt involve worship of my Wang...

Oh please forgive me for being horny for once.  You can be horny every 5 minutes, but heaven forbid I ever get hot

Whats this get hot shit? If you got any hotter, Id melt

Aww that made no sensebut aww

How am I gonna make it until the next time I see you?

I have no clueI seriously find it hard to frikin breath.  You are the only think I think about.  Hours of my life slip away just thinking of you.  I have never even remotely felt like this for anyone.  Your voice seriously paralyzes me.

A tear rolls down my face I feel exactly the same, you are my everything.  Everything I do I do with you in my mind.  You l8inger in my thoughts endlessly, and I will forever yearn for your taste.  Sometimes I think of you and like you say, I become paralyzed.  I swear I dram of you,  my entire body feels sensationally weightless, and I can not move.   You make me feel things I can not describe, when I talk to you I feel like I am on speed.  You make my heart ache and race.  As you said, I love you so much it hurts.  I want you to make me hurt.  I want you no in my arms.  What I would give to have you here with me right now.  I swear I would castrate myself in exchange for you being her at this instant

Silence, and my heart soared.  We reached an impasse.  We could go no farther without being physically with each other. 

God that just made me want you so much more

I know, but only 39 more days though.  Just last 39 more days, and then we will be together.

& no 2 humans will ever have been happier.  I have an Idea, lets play a little game.  Lets name our favorite qualities about each other.  I shall start; your ass

Hmm your ass

you cant just fucking copy me.  This aint repeat after me

What? Do you doubt the intricacies of your ass dont you believe that you have a nice ass?

I didnt say I didnt, I just said that your ass is nicer then mine

I would beg to differ

Fine the way you feel in my arms

The way you make me feel when Im in your arms

ahhhum I bit my lower lip and admire the sound of her voice ringing in the phone the way that you smile so innocently after you kiss me

Your eyes Silence I mean it, you have the most amazing eyes, and they way you look at me knocks me on my ass.  You look at me so lovingly.. and it really knocks me on my ass, it lets me know that I am cherished and special.

Damnt that was good ah.. my turn.. the way that you make me feel when you open your mouth

The way you make me feel when you open your heart

The puppies

huh? Are you referring to my sweeter puppies?

Maybe

So I noticed.. you couldnt get your eyes off of them at homecoming

Well what can I say, the puppies are defiantly high quality.

I never disagreed We both laughed

All right, your turn

Um.. Philburt(the name of a certain appendage of mine) We both laugh again Yea it was great how he kept pushing against my leg

What can I say? He knows a nice pair of legs when he sees one

Ok, seriously, the way that no matter how bad my day has been, you make me laugh.

The way you laugh no matter how stupid the stuff I say is.

The way you make me love you

The way you love me

We sat there silent for what felt like hours, listening to each others breathing.  We were at this point totally paralyzed by the love we had for each other.

And then we both said in almost perfect unison The sound you make when you breath

God I wanna kiss your right now

I know.. only 39 more days.. only 39 more days

You heard her, 39 more days.

Chapter 19

Some stupid bastard stole my book.  That was last Thursday, today is Tuesday.  It scared the shit out of me, as it held among my fondest memories of Jessica.  I would read parts of it just to remind me of where we have been, and remembrances of such special nights and days. Now that I have it back, I can fucking sleep again, as life without my book scared me damn near shitless.  Living without my book is like living without Jessica; not worth living. I have to go now, as I am writing from history class, but yea.  I have my book back, and I am relived.  Oh, and Jessica is soon gonna be on the pill.

Chapter 20

Kerry doesnt exist.  I say this with great pain, but she was a figment of a friend of mines imagination, and by portraying herself as this person, made Kerry a figment of mine.  The emulator, the real human beings name, is conveniently also Jessica. I have way too many Jessicas in my life, luckily, they all go by different variations of the name, so I will never confuse Jesse, Jes, Jessica .  So after 2 weeks of Jes pretending to be Kerry, and promising to fuck my brains out, a meeting was set up.  When I went to that meeting, I found instead my old pal Jes, and  half her friends.  They had all shown up to pick me limb from limb pertaining to the fact that I had thought solely with my dick, and I was so shallow that I would cheat on my girlfriend with an absolute slut.

and the problem with absolute sluts is?

I dunno.   I made a huge mistake there.  I want certain things I dream of having certain kinds of relationships.   At the same time, my friends made me realize that I cant have all that I want, and that my Jessica is way to good to throw away for an absolute whore. I love her too much, she is way to beautiful. 

Chapter 21

Her hair flows easily through my hands.  It is a golden blonde, and as smooth as the skin my mouth has just finished running over.  Blue eyes peer into mine from above.  My hand finishes its trek down her hair, and onto her back.  My hand bunches up her shirt into itself, and slides under her low cut jeans; finally settling on her supple rump.  I sigh happily and she brings her lips to mine.  I bring my other hand around her back, and it too settles on her rump.  She breaks the embrace and attempts to sit up.  My hand, still on her rump, brings her back to my lips.  Our lips part slightly, and our heads pivot oppositely of each others.  Our lips drag across each others without much friction, as she has been lying on top of me for the last hour and the number of times our lips have met and parted has sufficiently lubricated our mouths.  Our tongues flick against each others. Our lips meet again. My eyes open.  My hand comes off of her ass, and opens her eyes as well. As we look over each others noses, we peer again into each others eyes.  I swear I can see into her soul.  I break the embrace and catch my breath, and with the air still in my lungs I tell her that I love her as I burry my face into her neck.  She sits up, her hips straddling mine, and undoes the button on her jeans.  She runs both her hands up my stomach, and settles on my pecks.  She slowly lowers herself to my lips.  I attempt to sit up, and she pushes me back against the arm of the couch in a semi-seated position, and straddles the middle of my stomach.  She leans into me, and I find myself buried in her bosom.  I kiss my way down the V in the neck of her shirt.  When I reach the bottom of that deep V, I lick my way up as far as I can, and then back down again.  I slide down under her lets, and work her jeans down as far as they will go as she still sits on her knees. I kiss my way up her thighs.  They are warm, and melt in my hands and mouth.  About midway up her inner-thigh I begin to tease her by working my way down again.  She dismounts the couch and lays down on the floor, where she works her  pants the rest of the way off. I crawl towards her on all fours, and position my head between her knees.  Sucking, caressing every inch of her right thigh until her entire leg glistens with the wetness I have left on it.  I then start licking around the fringes of the black thong she is wearing, starting from her innermost thigh and working upward, following the fringes of her thong upward until I reach her stomach. There I kiss the string waistband that separates me from that stomach and as I kiss both areas at once, and move to her stomach as I allow the waistband to snap loudly back to her body.   On her stomach, I take the hem of her shirt in my teeth and work it over her head.  With her shirt effectively off, I lower my mouth to her navel.  It smells heavily of perfume, like the rest of her body.  I slowly and wetly kiss up the middle of her stomach, periodically following the lines of her stomach outward, and then following other lines inward.  I finally find myself buried in her bosom, only a very thin layer of black satin separates me from its bare goodness.  I look upward at her face with the initial intent of checking for approval but instead am paralyzed by how beautiful she is.   I crawl so that my eyes are once again parallel with hers.

You are so amazingly beautiful I tell her.

Your not ugly yourself

You have the most amazing body I replied, seemingly out of left field.

She blushed and batted her eyes at me  Well I am glad you think so She moved her hands around my back and grabbed the bottom of my shirt Now how about you let me have a taste of yours

As my shirt came off of my body I say a very satisfied look come over her .  She licked the middle of my chest and sucked on my right nipple  yummy she muttered breathily into my mouth before kissing me again.  I realized at that point that we couldnt take each others torsos into our mouths in this position.  I shifted myself so that we formed the 69 position; of foreplay that is.  I was once gain looking strait at her black satin covered bosom.  I took he satin into my mouth, and made her bosom covered no more.  Then it was her bosom in my mouth.  It was salty, and yet sweeter then honey.  Meanwhile, my little sex kitten lapped my chest lovingly.  As we went to work on each others pectoral regions, a horrible buzzing sound pierces the air. 

Goddamnt I mutter as I get out of bed 5 more minutes and I would have gotten head 

I reset my clock in the hope that tomorrow I will have the exact same dream, at the exact time, and that the extra 6 minutes I have given myself will allow me to get that oral pleasuring I bemoan the loss of so fervently.  I stumble down to breakfast with a hard on and in a God awful mood.

Chapter 22

She has been gone for several days, and I no longer miss her.  This scares the shit out of me.  All of a sudden I dont love her.  Well, I still lover her, I think.  To tell you the truth, I really dont know how I feel about anything anymore.   I just  have this thing where I want more then just Jessica.  My friends brag about all the girls they have had.  I want that I feel high school slipping away.  I never had all those immature romances. By the time I got a girlfriend, I was about to enter 11^th grade.  So now, as I have gone through 4 girls in 6 months, I still feel feverishly inadequate.  I just yearn for variety.  Small imperfections in Jessica are blown out of proportion, and perfections in other girls are oppositely inflated.  I find myself  falling for Evelyn again.   She called me yesterday, and asked me how to give good head  I couldnt help but remember all the times we had sat on the phone with each other coaching each others sexual techniques. This girl is like V.D. it comes and goes and when it comes it blows, and it goes she can resume sucking.  I wish now I could fuck her.  Just once, and get her out of my head.  The sad part of that is that I actually believe it would work, and that is all I want.  I just want closure.  I feel like a woman waiting for her soldier to come back from war.  He(Evelyn) never comes back .  She promised she would, then it all got fucked up, and she ends up marrying some guy she meets on the island.  I dont like blondes anymore, or something.  I want a girl with beautiful dark hair.  I want Evelyn.  But not forever.  I come to the reality that I, like all humans, want what I can not have.  I can not have Evelyn, to many things are working against us.  Maybe some day.  I dunno, personally I think I just jacked off too much over thanksgiving break(while Jessica was on a cruise)  and when you look at teen web cams all day long, you see the best there is and then you start looking at the best there is, and seeing that there is a best of the best; that is what you stain your computer screen over.  I can say with 99 percent accuracy that your girlfriend/boyfriend/ dog is not anywhere near as hot as those person you like to look at being bent over a pool table while you pleasure yourself.  I look at Jessicas picture and think of her voice.  My opinions change.  I love her again.  I recover from my lapse.  I think of her in my arms.  Maybe I have gotten to use to it, but the thought still makes me tingle.  Evelyn doesnt make me tingle.  End of story, end of chapter, end of entry.

Chapter 23

I cant even think straight anymore.  I love her too much, I need her too much to fathom anything but how she is gonna feel in my arms.  I sit up at night dreaming about her scent.  Year for her though.  It does not come, but in 13 days it will.  Time goes by fast until you want it to.  I can not make it through he day without struggle as I can never get enough of her.  She is like heroine.  I shoot her straight into my veins, and the high is better then a million orgasms.  Then I have to wait for her, and as long as I do, it is nearly impossible.  It is a wonder I can breath, because my entire being is consumed by her.  I used to love her more then I knew how to describe, now I want her, need her more then I can possibly fulfill from now until eternity; eternity with her is not enough, for eternity is the future.  What I want is the past.  I want to be with her all of my life; from the beginning to the end of time.  Even that will be to short.  For it will end. I want her to be everyone I have ever met,, I want her to truly be everything around me.  I want to be her everything,  I wanna be the only thing she wants and needs.  Words of description get caught in my throat and end as sighs of happiness.  Nothing can fill my need but her mouth.  Her glorious mouth, a temple to me, a sanctuary.  It is a place of serene comfort and joy.  Nothing can hurt me while I am inside of it.  I am not sure anyone has ever felt so strongly about another human being.  She encompasses all dream and ambitions.  She becomes the only thing that matters.  I made feudal attempts to create her mouth in my hand, but a hand has not a tongue, and more importantly a soul or scent, nor does it emanate strong love and devotion. To have her now would bring be such utter and unimaginable joy.  I am not sure that I would allow her to escape my love and affection,  She will never again escape my embrace, as when I get it, I will never let her go; I will just hold her forever.  That will be my existence, holding her.  I need not eat, for her love is the only thing I hunger for.  The clock seems to play cruel tricks on me as it seems to cease to move.  I cease to move now.  She consumes me, I happily relinquish my soul to her now.  Adios, mijos. 

Chapter 24

The days are getting longer, and so is the night.  Every instant of my life seems to hang on to life like a dieing ember.  Every breath I take seems to be held a little too long, The clock seems to life at my plight, and as time seems to come to a stand still, my head still swims with Jessica.  My love for her brings me to new heights.  She still isnt her though.  My life is now a life of waiting.  We make each other cry as we talk to the realities of our love.  She might not move back after Christmas.  It nearly killed me when I heard it, but she will be back for 2 weeks over Christmas.  I will savor every second I spend with her.  What would I give to hold her right now, what I would do to cradle her against me while I make all her worries drift away on a cloud.   What I would do to see her smile.  I just wanna make her life majestically wonderful; I just wanna make ever second the best of her life.  I t is beyond love that anyone but us can comprehend.  We are each others everything, she is the only thing that matters to me anymore.  Everything else could go away, I could be armless and legless, but as long as I could fully enjoy her mouth, and use mine to make her happy, I would live and die completely happy and content. 

We were on the phone for 4 hours last night.  She called me at 10, she finally fell asleep at 2.  Sadly, she has to hag up before she falls asleep on the phone and costs herself an assload.  I wish she could just fall asleep in my arms.  The thought of it makes my eyes roll into my head out of pure ecstasy. I need her in my arms now.  But I have to wait another 9 days.  I just want her so fuck bad!  Thinking of her causes me to often emit audible whines in the middle of class.  What she makes me feel I can not put into words, I feel sorrow, and warmth, and immense love and longing and impatience, and infatuation, and emptiness.  Without her I am empty; she makes me whole when she is with me, but she isnt, and I aint whole.  He voice is my sanctuary, her mouth my temple.  I long to crawl inside and seek refuge. 

Coming off that tangent, and back to our little conversation last night, never have we paralyzed each other so utterly.  We started slowly, and then went into a 2 hour long contest of who would make the other one cry first.  Neither of us could win; in the end we were both bawling.

I began God I love you so much.  I ache for you right now, I would give everything I have to hold you right now.

Aww  I feel the same way.  You are my everything

I make an attempt at that wonderful and healing female sound, but instead just squawk  out Argw.  I continued into a monologue; You are so amazing.  You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life.  I look at you and am in utter amazement that I am good enough for you.  Everyday I thank god that you are in my life, because you make my life worth living  I live to speak to you; my entire life revolves around you.  I would give my left nut to see you smile.  I just wanna make your life as good as you make mine, and your voice.  I dont know what it is about it, but when I hear it, my entire body tingles.  I am in love with your voice

She interjects I am in love with you.

I went numb.  My eyes roll back into my head.  Never in my life had anyone said something so sweet.   I continued my monologue I wish I could just hold you right now, I wish I could kiss away every tear you have ever cried and I wish you could lay in bed all day, and let me do everything for you

Like chew my food?

NoI mean like breath for you, lick your entire body clean, and pump your blood for you.  I wanna bee your eyes, I dont want you to move.  I just want you to lay there, and be in ecstasy.

Aww  She started to cry I dont deserved you

This in turn made me cry.  How am I gonna make it to tomorrow knowing that I wont be able to see you when I wake up. I choked on my tears as I caught her choking on hers.  Oh dont start crying, Its just gonna make me miss you more knowing that I cant comfort you.

I just wanna touch you so bad right now.

It wasnt so much the words, but how she said them that caused me to bite my lower lip and feel like a bird in flight.  I really dont deserve you I said with tears rolling down my face.

Oh, I beg to differ.  You are so eloquent and you always know what to say to make me feel so fucking amazing.  Everything I say to you that makes you feel great is something I stole from something you have said to me.  I have never been this happy before; every relationship I have had in the past pales in comparison.  I have thought about you more in the last 6 months then I have thought about anyone else in my entire life.  You are my life, you are my everything.

Argw, how could someone as great as you think so highly of me

It aint hard, I have loved you since the first instant I saw you, then you opened your mouth, not to mention the fact that you love me as much as you do.  I just wanna spend the rest of my life with you

Seriously though, last night I realized I want to have your kids.  I mean, I was thinking about having children with you, and it just made me so fucking happy.

Aww, stop it! Your trying to make we wanna move back

Stop it,  your making me wanna run away, and throw my entire life away to see you again.Evelyn was perfect, by your something more.  Youre more then perfect; your better then anything I could have ever dreamed of, youre more then I could ever hope for.

My God your good

My god youre beautiful

And she is.  It was during that night that I realized I wanted to Marry her.

Chapter 25

She was here today. In the same city, same area code, zip code, room, chair and private world of love.  I dont know how many days have passed since I last wrote, and frankly I dont give a fuck.  I was with her Goddamnt, and I never knew I could feel so happy.  It went nothing like it was supposed to, but who the fuck cares.  I have never been so happy, and I dont think I will ever again be able to comprehend the feelings I have for her.  I dont know what the fuck to say about it, but now I know that what I feel for her is beyond words, tears, hugs, and kisses.  It is beyond anything and everything I can grasp with my pathetically inadequate head.  A picture is worth a thousand words, a kiss is worth a million; what she means to me is worth a million lifetimes.  I can honestly say that I can now die happy.  For I held Jessica.  She was in my arms, and I made all her fears go away.  For a brief instant she felt safe.  I cant tell you what that means to me.  She smiled at me.  I saw her lips curl around her teeth in joy.  I gave her joy.  The sight of such occurrences is nearly orgasmic to me.  I fucking made the life of an absolute angel just that much better.  I feel in some ways unworthy of her.  Fuck that, I feel eternally in awe of her utter brilliance, beauty, radiance, and splendor.  Her skin is the softest thing I have ever felt with my hands, her tongue flicking so lightly across mine was softer still.  I shake my head now, expecting to awake from this awesome dream at any instant.  I do not wake up from a wonderful dream, but instead come to realize that I am going to have to fall asleep tonight.  I will have to go to a place that is so much less happy.  Some people dread waking up, for they will come out of a world of dreams, and perfection;  I feel now the same way about falling into a miserable sleep.  She might call during my slumber, she might cry.  She might stub her toe, and I, her humble and awestruck servant will not be there to absorb her pain.  I wish I could thus absorb her pain.  Obliterating ever unpleasant instant of her life with the simple dragging of a hand over hers.  I want to take her entire body into myself, so that I can shield her from a cruel and painful thing that is this existence on earth.  I would give my life to become her lap dog.   I feel like I am not worthy of even the position of subservient creature, for in comparison to her everlasting beauty, I am but an accidental occurrence that brings a brief smile to those watching.  I might have made her smile many times tonight, but I had to try.  All she had to do to make me fell warm, and loved, and completely content was to sit there,  and allow me to worship her silky skin.  I made such a conscience effort to make her evening the best of her life, all she had to do to make it such was to simply be there.  From the instant I saw her in a tight red sweeter, and jeans that clung equally tightly to her curvaceous legs, I was surpassing emotions of my comprehension.  My entire body sang at the sight of her, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, I felt as if I should bow down in front of her, I did not feel worthy of looking upon her face.  A face of utter, and almost porcelain perfection, framed with the most darling black glasses.  I almost fainted upon my first glance, as I almost fainted upon ever glace I took of her.  We went shopping, and I made every joke I could think of, and every time she laughed at my stupid humor, I felt as if in that laugh my entire life could be fulfilled.  If I were to die today, I would die happy many times over, for I would have fulfilled my only wish in life; to make her happy.  I doubt anything I will ever do can compare to what she does to me without doing anything at all, but I try.  I try like a child tries to support himself after the death of his parents; with tears, and confusion.  She reduces me a huddled mass in the corner, so confused and with such a sense of inadequacy that I can not move.  I am overcome with emotion, I am overcome by the feelings I have that I can not articulate.  There is not even one intelligible analogy I can come up with, for the magnitude of what I feel is beyond everything but her beauty, her utter, undying and uncomprehendable beauty.  I think of the way she looked, and am paralyzed.  The taste of her lips, the smell of her hair.  My eyes roll back into my head, and my toes curl up.  The way her skin felt in my mouth.   A tear rolls down my face.  My face makes itself into a portrait of complete and utter devotion and infatuation as my entire body tingles with the reality, of the amazing joy that comes from my present reality.  No matter how happy I am, I am not fulfilled though. For no matter how much I see her, I will still yearn for more.  Time is an evil device that leaves me deprived of her.  It laughs at me as each second I spend with her is a second I will no longer have with her.  This process will never cease.  For my love for her is unquenchable, my infatuation for her unimaginable.  She is the must utterly perfect being I will ever lay my eyes on.  She is Jessica; God dont got nothing on her.  To me she is God.  Even by naming her an omniscient and omnipotent individual still is a disgusting and shameful understatement of what she is. 

I am not worthy to be a martyr for her.  No amount of sacrifice for her will ever be enough, I could die a million deaths to save her from stubbing her toe, and I will still feel like a shmuck, for I did not give her a fraction of what I should have.  I must settle for being unworthy of her though, for I can only do what I can, and as worthless as I am to her, it is all I have.  I must eternally feel horrible about my inability to give her what she deserves, bitching about it only takes away from the amount of time I have to worship her.  I get on my knees and pray to her to give me the power to give her what she deserves.  Only through her power can I give her what she deserves.  She, like the God that aspires to equal her majesty, realizes how little I have to give, and feels heart warmed by my futile attempts of worship.  I am that lap dog, happier then I deserve to ever be because I am with her.  I laid my head in her lap, and as she stroked my hair I became that dog.  I did not need anything else in my entire life then to be fed in her love, and to know that something as magnificent as her loved me.  I have a hard time believing it sometimes.  Jessica loves me.  How is this possible? I ask myself.  I have no answer.  Some things are gifts from God.  She is so much more, as I believe God herself created a being for us all to worship.  He had a son, and billions of people worship him and that son every Sunday.  I worship her ever waking moment of the day, everyday.  I can not believe that I am her favored worshiper.  Of all the beings on the earth, I am her chosen one, I am her favorite subservient being.  I can not help but feel shame for being so unworthy of being her plaything.  Some men fear being pussy-whipped; yet to me, it is a goal that I will never be able to fully achieve in her.  My lips move, and no sounds come out.  Even the God of all that is Jessica can not bestow upon me the gift to delve any deeper into her wonder.  Why do I even try?  I try because the gift that God has given me to Glorify her with is my literary abilities.  As minor as they are, it is the way that I can do her greatest justice. 

You probably want to know what the hell it was that happened.  I dont even know.  The entire experience was completely beyond me.  I currently dont have the capacity to describe the events.  Maybe tomorrow.  God willing I will come down from this euphoric state tomorrow.  I dont want to though.  I want to live in her radiance and glory forever.  I hope she thinks we worthy enough to let me do so spend the rest of my life with the most glorious creation ever.  I hope she lets me spend the rest of my life with her.  If not, I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to describe what I am feeling right now.  Either way, I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand what I have done to deserve the affection a goddess.

Chapter 26

I dont fucking care enough to explain why, but I know she is loosing interest in me.  She no longer loves me, I can feel her slipping away.  I no longer have a reason to live.  I love her too much to let her stop loving me.  Without her in my life, life itself is not worth living.  This is not the way this is supposed to end.  I am supposed to meet up with Evelyn, and marry her, and spend the rest of my life with  her.  I am not meant to die when they both leave me.  This just isnt fucking right.  It is reality though, and reality fucking sucks.  I start to drink the bottle of Jack Daniels that sits next to me.  There are 2 bottles.  I grab the first now and begin to chug.  I wipe my lips as I take 24 of the 32 ounces in one gulp.  The back of my throat burns to the point where I can not breath. I decide to wash it down with another few swigs.  I look at the empty bottle.  I have drained it so utterly in such a short amount of time.  The world has been like this for me; it has drained me so utterly so fucking quickly.  I dont know what is gonna become of these writings, but if you read them, I will tell you to fall in love, just dont fuck up.  I fucked up, I dont care to tell you how, but I fucked up big.  When you find love as true and pure as me and Jessica once had, be very fucking careful.  When you fuck it up, then you will be like me, and you will kill yourself when you realize that your entire life will never be the same, because the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with has been scared away.  So fall in love, but dont fall into he pit that I did.  I open up the second bottle, and bid farewell to the world.  Good-bye reader.  Good-bye Jessica.  Good-bye world.  I dont think I wanna die anymore.  It is too late though, 2 bottles of 86 proof liquor down the hatch, and not a morsel of food in my stomach.  I dont wanna die.. . I dont wanna

I

S

T

H

I

S

T

H

E

E

N

D

?

Chapter 27

I wake up in a puddle of my own vomit.  It looks like everything I have ever eaten has been forced out of my stomach and onto the floor I lay prone on.  My head aches, and I am alive.  I am not overjoyed to be so though.  I drunkenly stumble around, trying to make sense of the happenings of last night.  I find myself locked in my basement bathroom with 2 empty bottles of Jack Daniels, a Swiss army knife, and the worst hangover of my life.  I continue my survey of the room, and find a picture frame laying in the corner of the room.  I get on my hands and knees and crawl towards it.  I turn it over and see one of my favorite pictures of Evelyn staring me straight in the face.  An especially puzzled look comes across my face, most likely enhanced by my drunken state?  I sit up against the wall and try to figure out why the hell I have a picture of Evelyn on the floor, where I attempted to end my life the previous night.  Later, while cleaning up the vomit, I come across my phone, which was completely covered by the puke.  As soon as I wash it off, I dial *69.  Evelyn?

Oh my God! Youre alive! Do you remember anything from last night?

No.  Well, I remember that I thought that Jessica no longer loved me, and that I tried to kill myself, but that is about it.  Could you explain to me why your picture is in my bathroom?

Not really.  You remember the messages I left for you?

No

I want you to hang up and listen to them, and then call me back

Ok. And I did.  She told me how much she cared, she admitted that she had once loved me, and that she still did in a way.  Tears streamed down my face.  I knew she still cared.   Someone loved me.  She had told me she loved me the night before; at the time of my impeding death she had become my reason for living.  She had saved my life, I owed everything to her.  Evelyn had saved my life.  I wish I could pay her back.  I wish I Jessica would call me back.   Both will require patience, but I know both will occur.

Chapter 28

Two days later, I find out that she wants to see other people, and that the entire long distance thing isnt working for her anymore; but not before she cried when I told her that I almost killed myself; not before she told me she loved me.  She told me she didnt want me anymore not a second before she told me that she didnt deserve me.  I fail to understand what the hell happened, my best indications are that there is a new guy in her life.  She says that she just feels bad having male friends, that she just feels bad being her and having to see other people, she tells me that she wants to put things on hold.  Like I can just fucking all of a sudden stop living for only her.  I no longer live for only her though, for the first time in my life, I must say that I am gonna start living for myself.  Not that I am gonna do what my father did and leave my family and become a selfish bastard, but rather that I am gonna stop doing shit for other people all the time, I am gonna start putting my fucking foot down and expecting people to do shit for me.  Or maybe not.  I dont know what the fuck I am saying anymore, all I know is that Jessica is fucking killing me.  I just dont understand why she needed to tell me in the way that she did.  If all she wanted was permission to screw other guys, then she should have just done so.  I think that there is something more, I think that she truly doesnt care.  I think that when I told her that I loved her the other night, she no longer got goose bumps.  Just like a while back when Evelyn told me that she loved me, and it did nothing for me, I told her such, and she felt nothing.  I think her love is dieing.  Insofar as the previous is true, I too am dieing.  I die inside in every instant that I know that things are changing.  I mean, she was just so perfect, I thought it would last forever.  I left Evelyn for her, I broke Evelyns heart for her, and she pays me back by fucking having a change of heart.  I cant be angry with her for it, because I know it happens, but I cant help but be angry at existence for causing such an evil thing to happen to me.  I mean, I gave this girl everything I had, and would have given more if she needed it.  She then tells me that she wants things to be different, she says that the relationship was way to serious for her.  Well forgive me for loving her.  Please forgive me for wanting to spend the rest of my life with her.  Ya know what, if loving someone with all your heart is wrong, then take mine out of my chest and stomp on it.  I take a break from these writing to write her the following:

If I didn't see you that Sunday, I have run away... I could be coming for you... I could be in Ny...  I just wanted you to know that if I didn't see you, that Whitney Houston song is our new song... for I will always love you, even if you are a cold hearted bitch who cares about no one but yourself.  I will always love you, even if you have hurt me to the point where I wish I was dead.  I will always love you, even though you make me cry so hard right now.  I will always love you even though you have taken from me the most important thing in my life, yourself.  I will eventually come to see you, so that you can kill me once and for all.  Like you said... we can die together... you can stab me repeatedly in the heart, just like you did that Friday night...and then I can bleed all over you, and let the disease you have infected in me infect you too.  You have made my life no longer worth living in your absence. Let me make you feel the same way.  We can die together...  only I am already dead... I have been dead since that Friday... I am but a ghost, roaming the earth waiting for you to put me to my final rest.  I will find no rest though.  I will forever continue to pace my basement.  Do you know I am fucking crying right now?  Uncontrollably, because you put me last.  I came after soccer, and your friends, and your family, and your fears.  I came last.  You gave me up, because you were afraid, because it was too serious, because you couldn't have me and have soccer, because long distance relationships are hard.  Well life is hard.  Everything is fucking hard, you stupid bitch.  Learn to work for it.  I would fucking die for you.  You can't fucking put your insecurities aside.  You can't be fucking accommodating you self-centered prick.  If you did see me that Sunday, I wanna thank you.  Thank you for being the great human being you are.  Hell, if you saw me that Sunday, none of the shit I just said was true. Call me and I will tell you how much I love you, but if you didn't see me, don't ever fucking talk to me again, if you see me on the street, you jut keep on walking.  Don't come to my funeral when not having you in my life leads you to suicide.  No one will want you there.  Most especially God.  For what you did tonight was hurt one of his children. "My daddys gonna kick your ass"  There is just one problem with dealing with my daddy, he is God,  and he will make your life a living hell.

I thought I would never be angry with her, well now I am. 

I guess I should explain to you the thing that really gets to me, see, It was agreed that I would come over to her house for dinner on the Sunday after I tried to kill myself.  She called me and told me all that wonderful stuff that Friday.  I could live with that.  What I could not live with was the fact that she said she didnt wanna see me that Sunday, because things would be weird(Oh, and she wouldnt be home Saturday, because she had a soccer game, so she had to go to bed early, and didnt have the time to work things out). I wait countless days for her, and when it comes down to crunch time, she takes away my dreams and stomps on them.  I mean, give me the fucking courtesy of seeing me, maybe trying to work things out.  As I said in a fiery message I left on her machine If you still love me, then things wont be weird.  We will have a great time.  I dont care if you have new boyfriends.  I just want you to be happy.  As long as you are still there for me when I need you, I will be ok.  As long as you are always honest with me, I will be totally ok with it.

I have decided that if I dont see her this Sunday, then I will never see her again.  If she thinks it is gonna be weird, then she obviously doesnt love me; and I cant stand to look upon her face.  I wish she would so something for me sometime though.  I wish for once someone would do something for me.  Damn I am tired.  I am going to sleep.  Hopefully, when I wake up, all things will be clear.  They wont be though, and Jessica still wont love me.  Or maybe she will.  I really dont care anymore.  Maybe this book will end like I originally thought it would; with Evelyn.  Only time will tell.

Chapter 29

Who the fuck was I kidding? Never wanna see her again.  Please.  The real question is will she ever wanna see me again.  Evidently the girl thinks I am a head-case because I tried to kill myself over her.  She says I need help, that I have a bad outlook on life.  Maybe I do, but I still dont understand how the hell she is gonna help me by giving me time off.  That is how she phrases it now, she doesnt want to see me again over Christmas break.  Maybe when I come back this summer.  The girl is killing me, but I know that she will come back.  She says she still loves me.  She bids me farewell with tears in her eyes, and I know that what she does she does because she truly cares.  If she didnt care, she would just pacify me.   Instead, she gave me up so that I may heal, and get well again.  She basically forced me to do things I really didnt want to because they were for the better.

 I dunno, right now the writing sucks, but please bear with me here.  I am just fucking depressed beyond belief;  I am now single for the first time in 8 months, and I really dont believe that I am good enough for anyone else.  I might be the most narcissistic person you have ever heard of, but I still dont believe I am gonna have an easy time finding someone else.  For starters, Jessica is so perfect for me that it is difficult to even look at other girls.  When I temporarily get over her, I still face the problem that I have no way of meeting new girls.  Do the words all boys school mean anything to you?  It means no easy pussy to me.  It aint so much pussy that I need, as this is not a problem of sexual deprivation, but rather one where I dont think anyone cares anymore.  I have never been as happy as I was a few days ago.  It really sucks to have your best and worst days of your life damn near back to back.  Ya know, the person I thought cared most did something to me that made me feel alone, and unloved and naked and vulnerable.  It is for the best though.  I dont know how, but it is.  Everything happens for a reason;  I just currently dont know what the hell this reason is.  As I look upon my past though, I see that I have only got exactly what I wanted once in my life; that one night with Evelyn.  That was not the happiest night of my life though; rather that night was last Sunday, a week ago.  I was supposed to get laid nothing of the sort happened.  Hell, we barely even kissed, but I didnt care.  I was supposed to get laid tonight.  I might, but if I dont, I wont care.  I will simply let life take me where it does, and I trust that it will be for the better.

Matt, you know I love you and that wont change, but I think we need a break.  I will see you over the summer, and if you still have feelings for me, then we will see what happens

Thats ok I will wait up for you

Chapter 30

(this is an Internet conversation I am MasterofMounds and yea the other person is Justplainher She is a girl a girl I am obviously falling in love with at 4 am on the same day/early in the mourning after(depends on how you wanna look at it) I wrote the previous chapter.  After the break up, this girl, being sympathetic ,offered to try to set me up with some of her friends but none of them were compatible with me but she is.. as you will see)

MasterofMounds: hey

MasterofMounds: sup?

Justplainher: notta lot, you?

MasterofMounds: spent the day at barns and Nobel...

Justplainher: oh yeah?

Justplainher: find your cute smart girl?

MasterofMounds: some girl asked for my phone number...

MasterofMounds: as part of a bet...

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: nope..

MasterofMounds: they were always older then me...

Justplainher: well... thats more phone numbers than I got today!

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: they got mine...

MasterofMounds: I didn't get theirs...

Justplainher: psh. okkkkayy.

MasterofMounds: so did you talk to Megan?

Justplainher: well you gave out your number more than I did.

Justplainher: ... noo

MasterofMounds: no estoy buenno...

Justplainher: Im sorry.   I didnt get home until about 9, and then I was so tired I slept ,and then I got a phone call, and then I showered, and now Im here.

MasterofMounds: it be ok...

Justplainher: I have absolutely no girl friends online right now. this sucks.

MasterofMounds: tell me about it...

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: it be ok...

Justplainher: hey dude Im being sympathetic for ya.

MasterofMounds: I know...

MasterofMounds: and I thank you for it...

MasterofMounds: you have already helped me tremendously by just listening

Justplainher: maybe

Justplainher: but still. I wish I just had more girl friends for you.

MasterofMounds: it be ok...

MasterofMounds: you have plenty of time to make new friends for me...

MasterofMounds: ;-) (winking smiley face)

Justplainher: nerd. Im not gonna do all the work for you

MasterofMounds: I know...

MasterofMounds: you just introduce me... and I will take care of it from there...

Justplainher: yeah but see.. Problem=who do I introduce you to?

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: this Megan girl

Justplainher: allrighty.. Ill try to find her number tomorrow

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: thanx

Justplainher: you have way too many screen names.

MasterofMounds: sorry...

MasterofMounds: I only have 3...

Justplainher: lol well thats 2 too many!

MasterofMounds: sorry...

Justplainher: bleh dont be sorry for something so stupid.

MasterofMounds: I wasnt

MasterofMounds: it was just something I said out of obligation

Justplainher: obligation is a horrible thing

MasterofMounds: I know...

Justplainher signed off at 1:20:45 AM.

Justplainher signed on at 1:22:26 AM.

MasterofMounds: so what are you actually doing now?

Justplainher: Journal writing

Justplainher: it's a disease.

MasterofMounds: really...

MasterofMounds: explain...

MasterofMounds: because I am confused...

Justplainher: birthdaydork's Journal (hyperlink)

Justplainher: Im just looking at websites.

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: why don't you go to sleep...

MasterofMounds: so that you can wake up early tomorrow and call Megan...

Justplainher: riiight. you're so selfless, I admire you so much.

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: at some point I will be able to repay your for your efforts...

MasterofMounds: efforts which are most admirable...

Justplainher: dont flatter me, I dont take compliments well.

MasterofMounds: ok

MasterofMounds: would you prefer insults?

Justplainher: I would, actually.

MasterofMounds: ok

MasterofMounds: youre a stupid bastard with poor depth perception

MasterofMounds: and Damnt you burned my fucking soup

MasterofMounds: you shove bars of soap into your ass every night...

MasterofMounds: because it makes your food taste better...

MasterofMounds: ahh

MasterofMounds: did that make you feel warm and fuzzy?

Justplainher: no no no. you have to give me real insults, make me cry.

MasterofMounds: youre not skinny?

MasterofMounds: you refuse to be the slut I want you to be...

MasterofMounds: I wish you would just fucking get over yourself and worship my cock like the little bitch you are...

MasterofMounds: and finally...

MasterofMounds: youre not nice...

Justplainher: aww.. now that makes me smile.

MasterofMounds: I know...

Justplainher: you're so sweet :-) (smiley face)

MasterofMounds: now shut up and toss my salad bitch

MasterofMounds: I try

Justplainher: if I wasnt trying to set you up with someone, I might have just thrown myself at you.

Justplainher: you're so eloquent.

MasterofMounds: I know

MasterofMounds: you stupid fucking hoe

MasterofMounds: what the fuck dids i justa saz bout sukn mi cok?

Justplainher: oh stop, I dont think Ill be able to go to bed alone if you keep wooing me like this.

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: shall I continue?

Justplainher: make your own decision

Justplainher: I just probably wont be able to resist your magic charm.

MasterofMounds: lol ok

MasterofMounds: I dunno... in a way... I wish I had magic charm right now...

MasterofMounds: I am really scared I am not gonna find love again for a long time...

Justplainher: you dont need magic charm to win a girl over, and you dont necessarily need to find love, you *are* only 16. you should just be out having fun with fun girls, they dont have to be soul-mates.

MasterofMounds: true

MasterofMounds: so basically, right now, girls don't want the relationship?

MasterofMounds: they just want something fun..?

MasterofMounds: and might this fun involve cuddling?

Justplainher: but

Justplainher: I also know you're a hopeless romantiv

Justplainher: romantic*

Justplainher: so you probably wont listen to me anyways.

MasterofMounds: I will

MasterofMounds: because I want to have a girl that I am emotionally attached to... and I really want a girl that is emotionally attached to me...

Justplainher: well, Im only one person. I can't speak for all girls. Im just saying, you dont have to find true love on a first date.

Justplainher: I think thats pi.

MasterofMounds: or 344544243244234234214234`34`123123`15412`321312435452523325125235/234

MasterofMounds: maybe...

MasterofMounds: hold on...

MasterofMounds: and the psychic friends hotline says..

Justplainher: drum roll please

Justplainher: Im not so sure you're allowed to have a " ` " in a fraction.

MasterofMounds: "you will meet a handsome young man at work"

Justplainher: ah. well that sucks.

MasterofMounds: lol

Justplainher: because I just quit.

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: why?

MasterofMounds: and the reading was meant for me...

Justplainher: my boss got fired for possession

Justplainher: ah okay fine.

MasterofMounds: oh

MasterofMounds: so you quit?

Justplainher: yep.

Justplainher: so now I only have one job.

MasterofMounds: damn slacker...

Justplainher: well

Justplainher: one and a half.

MasterofMounds: lol

Justplainher: actually two halves and one.

Justplainher: so kinda 2.

MasterofMounds: how can you have half a job...

MasterofMounds: so 3 jobs...

MasterofMounds: explain...

MasterofMounds: I got until I gotta wake up tomorrow...

Justplainher: well, I have one job. then I street team, [half a job] and I baby sit [ half a job]

Justplainher: it already is tomorrow

MasterofMounds: "street teem"

MasterofMounds: sounds like the female version of gang bang..

Justplainher: well if it was, you'd be invited to watch

Justplainher: but unfortunately

Justplainher: it's just handing out flyers and stickers for a band.

MasterofMounds: oh

MasterofMounds: ok

MasterofMounds: cool

MasterofMounds: I am a slouch

MasterofMounds: I just write and try to get laid...

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: and I might have a summer job that makes me 4 grand...

Justplainher: holy shit

MasterofMounds: and yes... I do play the stock market

Justplainher: are you a pimp

MasterofMounds: I know...

Justplainher: haha okay.

MasterofMounds: 9 weeks...

MasterofMounds: 46.5 hours a week

MasterofMounds: at 9 dollars an hour...

Justplainher: not too shabby.

Justplainher: but thats a long week.

MasterofMounds: not at all...

MasterofMounds: naw...

MasterofMounds: I am a camp consoler

MasterofMounds: I really love the kids

MasterofMounds: I can often have more fun with them then I can have with kids my age...

MasterofMounds: because when your in 4th grade.. you don't give a shit....

MasterofMounds: ya know...

Justplainher: aww you're kidding me

Justplainher: I love kids. I want to get a degree in elementary education

MasterofMounds: I mean... you don't care if your pissing down the side of your leg...

MasterofMounds: your playing tag, Damnt...

MasterofMounds: me 2

MasterofMounds: well the loving kids part at least..

MasterofMounds: I just have the biggest problem disciplining them

MasterofMounds: I mean

MasterofMounds: they put on the face...

MasterofMounds: you know...

MasterofMounds: "the face"

Justplainher: yeah.. pouty lips

MasterofMounds: and it neutralizes all anger

MasterofMounds: yea...

Justplainher: and puppy dog eyes

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: lips quizer

MasterofMounds: *quiver

MasterofMounds: shoulders roll up...

Justplainher: and the eyebrows slowly arch up

MasterofMounds: lol

Justplainher: nose crinkles, face turns red

MasterofMounds: I had a kid last summer who did that to perfection

Justplainher: yeah I got it.

Justplainher: lol

Justplainher: where do you do this at?

MasterofMounds: The JCC...

Justplainher: oh my gosh really

Justplainher: do you know a lot of the people that work there?

MasterofMounds: not a whole lot

MasterofMounds: I mean...

Justplainher: I sound like a giddy 13 year old "ohmygosh!"

Justplainher: well

Justplainher: do you know an (well her name obviously started with a vowel{because an is only used in front of vowels, see.. if it was a consonant.. it would be do you know a} that is all your getting)

MasterofMounds: omg

MasterofMounds: yea...

Justplainher: short, brown hair

MasterofMounds: yea...

MasterofMounds: my friend dated her...

MasterofMounds: do you know CENSOR FIRST, CENSOR LAST

Justplainher: haha no, but I remember her telling me all about him

Justplainher: wow thats funny.         

MasterofMounds: yea

MasterofMounds: he is a miniature version of me...

Justplainher: oh jeez

Justplainher: that poor kid.

MasterofMounds: oh

MasterofMounds: I know

MasterofMounds: and he aint half as good looking, or swave as I am...

Justplainher: is he full of himself, as well?

MasterofMounds: no

MasterofMounds: he is more full of shit

MasterofMounds: and piss

MasterofMounds: and vinegar

MasterofMounds: and cheeseburgers

MasterofMounds: he used to just be full of vinegar and cheeseburgers

Justplainher: but then someone pissed in him

MasterofMounds: yea

MasterofMounds: he used to be a woman

Justplainher: oh yeah? I used to be one too.

MasterofMounds: damn bastard thought it would funny to pee  during sex...

MasterofMounds: really

MasterofMounds: I would have never guessed

MasterofMounds: I mean...

MasterofMounds: you look like a man...

Justplainher: yeah I know

Justplainher: the surgeon was excellent

Justplainher: I bet Im bigger than you, too.

MasterofMounds: wanna bet?

MasterofMounds: I might have the curse of the Irish

MasterofMounds: but I have disgustingly large balls...

MasterofMounds: they hand down to mid thigh...

Justplainher: oh please. I have to suck them back up into my body like a sumo wrestler, otherwise I wouldnt be able to put on my jeans.

MasterofMounds: yea...

MasterofMounds: well I..

MasterofMounds: I...

MasterofMounds: Damnt

MasterofMounds: you win

MasterofMounds: lol

Justplainher: :-D (open mouthed, visible toothed smiley face)

Justplainher: you just made my day.

MasterofMounds: I can make your day tomorrow

MasterofMounds: you and Megan...

MasterofMounds: at the same time...

MasterofMounds: It will be a bit difficult...

MasterofMounds: but I can do it...

MasterofMounds: I am orally talented...

Justplainher: I never learned to share

MasterofMounds: me neither

MasterofMounds: never went to kindergarten

Justplainher: I slept through it.

MasterofMounds: yea....

MasterofMounds: I went straight from preschool to 1st grade...

MasterofMounds: I am still recovering

Justplainher: bet that was a shock.

MasterofMounds: a bit

MasterofMounds: how was your kindergarten experience...

Justplainher: I learned to sleep on 4x2 ft rugs with little boys and control myself

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: I hear ya there...

Justplainher: plus snack time was the major cheap thrill of my life

MasterofMounds: I bet

MasterofMounds: explain

MasterofMounds: since I never had snack time...

Justplainher: what is there to explain?

MasterofMounds: the major cheep thrill

MasterofMounds: how is snack time a thrill

Justplainher: dunkaroo's they were the best.. mini chocolate chip cookies dipped in a sprinkle frosting wonderland extravaganza.. it was pure bliss.

MasterofMounds: omg...

MasterofMounds: I feel as if I was deprived...

MasterofMounds: anything else happen in kindergarten?

Justplainher: hmm..

Justplainher: well the first day

MasterofMounds: oh yea...

Justplainher: my teacher read 'the three little bears' and she made porridge.. but I didnt want any and I started crying because it looked lumpy.

MasterofMounds: you were striped naked and told to run threw a corn field backward...

Justplainher: and also, it was always really cold.

MasterofMounds: lol

Justplainher: were you the one with the camera?

MasterofMounds: no....

MasterofMounds: O:-) (haloed smiley face)

MasterofMounds: I was the one being forced to do math way to early in the mourning...

Justplainher: naw, of course not. it was kindergarten. you wouldnt want to see an icky girl like me.

MasterofMounds: I wouldn't say icky...

MasterofMounds: well maybe I would...

MasterofMounds: but still

MasterofMounds: you've changed

MasterofMounds: you've become a man..

MasterofMounds: you have balls that don't fit in standard sized shorts...

Justplainher: and a huge one, at that.

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: so what though

MasterofMounds: you paid the surgeon to make you have a dick the size of my right arm...

Justplainher: I think

Justplainher: I have fairly nice hair for a boy, though.

MasterofMounds: or was it that jolly old elf "Snuffle ufagugs...

MasterofMounds: ugus

MasterofMounds: ugusugs

Justplainher: hahaha

Justplainher: oh gosh

Justplainher: the first time

Justplainher: I EVER saw an elephant

MasterofMounds: it was great...

MasterofMounds: and do you write so that people are gonna like you for it?

MasterofMounds: no...

MasterofMounds: you write because you like it

MasterofMounds: it liberates you...

MasterofMounds: and wither you believe it or not, your a very good writer...

Justplainher: ok.. in my profile is one of my complaint lists.

Justplainher: not a poem or anything.

Justplainher: just a stream of thoughts

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: let me take a look

Justplainher: and.. Im looking for something else too..

MasterofMounds: and what is that?(I had just looked at her profileshe thought  previous question was in response to her writing that I was confused, and I was asking what the hell I had just read, when in actuality I was asking what that something else she was looking for was)

Justplainher: I dont know. I just felt depressed so I listed all the things bothering me.

MasterofMounds: and it was awesome

MasterofMounds: very good idea...

Justplainher: I suppose.

MasterofMounds: so what else are you looking for?

Justplainher: well I found one I wrote awhile ago.

MasterofMounds: k

Justplainher: but its too long for my profile

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: then send it through handy-dandy e-mail

Justplainher: have you sent yours yet?

MasterofMounds: yea...

MasterofMounds: it is a few chapters...

MasterofMounds: just read the first one and the last one...

MasterofMounds: those are kinda short and sweet...

MasterofMounds: I will brb(be right back)... gonna go get something to drink...

Justplainher: okay.

Justplainher: Ill be reading.

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: back

Justplainher: alright

Justplainher: Im confused with chapter 26

MasterofMounds: k hold

Justplainher: okay.

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: it is the suicide chapter...

MasterofMounds: I think Jessica is falling out of love with me, so I attempt to kill myself

Justplainher: yeah but the beginning... "I am supposed to meet with Evelyn and marry her" ... werent you just talking about Jessica?

MasterofMounds: oh

MasterofMounds: well the book I mean

MasterofMounds: the book starts off with how I wanna spend the rest of my life with Eve...

MasterofMounds: the title of the book is a red herring

MasterofMounds: the reader thinks it has to do with waiting up for Evelyn... the title actually refers to something you will get to a little later...

Justplainher: but chapter 25 is all about Jessica, and then you say you want to marry her..

Justplainher: oh well Ill keep reading

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: chapter 26 is about me trying to commit suicide

MasterofMounds: k tell me when your done...

Justplainher: done

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: and?

MasterofMounds: what do ya think about my shitting writing?

MasterofMounds: *shitty

Justplainher: I like it, a lot. I love how you are so honest and open

MasterofMounds: thank you

MasterofMounds: I try...

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: that is kinda my own little thing...

Justplainher: and my favorite part

Justplainher: is at the end where it says..

Justplainher: " and my good friend Allison has helped me to realize I dont need love right away, I just need to get out and have a life, even though Ive died, and can be reborn, thus the renaissance of MASTER MOUND" (In case you havent realized I aint telling you my real name)

Justplainher: oh wait. that wasnt in there. silly me.

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: what are you trying to say?

MasterofMounds: that you have saved my life?

Justplainher: merely that

Justplainher: I need a ponytail holder very badly

Justplainher: so brb.

MasterofMounds: well in a way I guess you have...

MasterofMounds: lol

Then she shared some depressing poetry about the loss of her boyfriend after I tried to console her our conversation continued

Justplainher: oh no, Im fine, really.

Justplainher: its okay.

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: indeed

Justplainher: see? for the best.

Justplainher: [profile]

MasterofMounds: and the poem you just sent me was equally good

Justplainher: wow. I like sharing crap now.

MasterofMounds:  it aint crap, it is very good...

Justplainher: well yours is, at least ;-) (winking smiley face)

Justplainher: I always forget how stupid those things look. (the smiley faces)

MasterofMounds: would I be out of line if I said I wish I could make you forget about loosing this guy for an hour or two?

Justplainher: not entirely

MasterofMounds: k

Justplainher: alright. nothing else depressing for tonight. deal?

MasterofMounds: would I be out of line if I said that I just realized that I have been looking for what I think I want when what I am supposed to have has been right under my nose the entire time... with he perfect terms of engagement...(in plain English would I be out of line if I said that I think that I have been asking you to hook me up with someone else, when the person I should be dating is you?)

MasterofMounds: after that...

MasterofMounds: k

MasterofMounds: (why the hell did I type the previous...)

MasterofMounds: on a happier note... the chiefs lost today...

MasterofMounds: (or was it yesterday...)

Justplainher: I dont know, but you could you type it again so I can understand it more clearly?

MasterofMounds: it was something I shouldn't have typed anyway...

MasterofMounds: something really weird just happened...

MasterofMounds: your profile just came up.. for no apparent reason...

Justplainher: hmm

MasterofMounds: and I see yet another very interesting poem

MasterofMounds: you obviously wrote that one while you were still with your boyfriend...

MasterofMounds: am I correct?

Justplainher: as always.(It  was a poem about how even though she thought she was ugly, she knew that you will say that you love me and mean it  I ask why would she put that in her profile it just seems a little to coincidental so I think she was bluffing me)

MasterofMounds: lol

MasterofMounds: ok

MasterofMounds: well it has been interesting.. but we must get some sleep... for we must be at borders by 2...

MasterofMounds: or rather Barns and Nobel...

Justplainher: oh really? when was I going to be told all this?

MasterofMounds: would I be out of line if I asked for it to just be the two of us...

Justplainher: shit, my dad is awake and I am grounded from my comp so I gtg(got to go).

I didnt get my answer that night

The following day I got well the following

Hey, 'm sorry about earlier, I am grounded from the computer and my dad had woken up to take the dog out, and saw me on so I had to get off. anyways I got back on hoping we could talk again, but I guess you got off right after I did.. I hope you check this before you go out, because it looks like I wont be able to do anything today since i got caught on the computer. I really enjoyed your writing-- you have such a great talent. anyways, i guess Ill talk you later.. 

 And then a conversation

MasterofMounds: how long is your sentence...'

MasterofMounds: you think you can get out of the house by Wednesday?..

Justplainher: most likely

MasterofMounds: well then...

MasterofMounds: what ya say we go to Barnes and Nobel then...

MasterofMounds: alone...

MasterofMounds: (crosses fingers....)

Justplainher: are you asking me on a date?

MasterofMounds: not really...

MasterofMounds: it's just that in all the looking... I have realized that we are in the same predicament... and I think we understand each other to a reasonable extent...

MasterofMounds: of all the girls that you offered to me... you and me had the most in common...

MasterofMounds: we are both romantic writers coming out of serious relationships that have left us scared

Justplainher: yes..

MasterofMounds: and then you said something about cuddle buddies...

MasterofMounds: and the perfect situation arose in my head...

Justplainher: we'll go

MasterofMounds: so you just said yes...

Justplainher: my dads home

Justplainher: yes

MasterofMounds: crap

Justplainher: but I g2g

Justplainher: sorry bye

MasterofMounds: indeed...

MasterofMounds: bye

And so it was over.  I had recovered from the crushing blow Jessica had given me.  I would survive, I would forge on, and I would soon get the mojo flowing.  Today is Monday New Years Eve(Tuesday) is pretty much off limits, so I have to wait until Wednesday.  I can wait.  I am getting pretty good at it by now.

Chapter 31

Did I really think it would work?  Naturally, like everything else in my life as of late, everything went to absolute shit.  She was grounded, so she couldnt go out on that Wednesday.  Winter break was becoming a very depressing period of my life.  I mean, from beginning to end it was beginning to suck like a  Saigon whore.  The only problem was the fact that that which she was sucking was not my Wang, and the only up-side was the fact that I didnt have to pay her five dollars for her services.  I am seriously questioning why the hell I go to an all boys school.   I dunno, I just dont see a lot of potential dates walking around.  I mean, call me crazy, but I require a lot of alcohol to think any guy looks good, period.  I am talking not think theyre incredibly ugly, and contemplate killing them to save humanity from having to look upon them.   As far as actually giving in to a pit of despair and self pity, and actually doing something about it, I would have to be walking the fine line between unconsciousness, and stumbling drunkenness.  I dont wanna say it, I hate to say it, but the phrase Homosexual sodemy sounds the way it does for a reason.  Back to the task at hand though, I cant get laid.  I am a 16 year old male, my life should be one continuous orgasm, and dont get me wrong, the world blows me quite often, just seldom in the way I want it to.  I need to go to a co-ed school, because none of my female friends are even on the list of people I fathom having a relationship with (oh, and they are all fucking prude).  I need to meet some disturbingly horny females soon here, because right now  I am just sitting at home all day, being bored off my ass, doing nothing, with nothing to fucking do.  I see my friends, and yes we have fun, but when it comes down to it, the only thing I care about when I go to bed is getting me a bite of some vertical sea-food tacos. I guess  every male gets to this point in his life, and if you know one who doesnt, he fucking sucks.  He is a whore, and I want him dead.  I resent him, as does the rest of the worlds males, because he is getting away with something.  Every male, at some point of his life, has to be a tad bit depressed about how they cant get laid often enough.  Its a rule, a fact of life, that our libidos are never satisfied.  That is why I wanna have my Wang to be surgically stretched out to 15 feet, limp.  That way, it will look more like alien invasion then public exhibitionism when I take off my trench coat and flash The Laker Girls.  If I am really lucky, one of those dumb blonds that are dating my overly hairy Greek friends will be a little curious, and come over to the damn thing.  I will tell her it is a javelin, and that she has to throw it;  grab it at one end and try to throw it.

As she tries over and over again to unattach my pecker, I will reach a lower form of sexual gratification, and a higher form of humorous relief, as Philburt sees a female hand for the first time in about 6 months.  Single sex education makes people crazy, I mean, listen to that rambling.  The only condolence I have right now about the plight of my situation is the humor I am finding from my own insanity, and that, is well, a tad bit insane.  Laughing at my own inability to get my share of Bearded Clam, and the shit I say about it, can be likened to a mental patient laughing as he pisses down his leg, and then doing a handstand so that the piss can run back up his leg.  So yea, I think this is turning into a fucking comedy routine, and the saddest part of this is, it is actually cheering me up, because one day, I am gonna be one of those yuppie bastards that are easily recognized, and almost sought after by sluts of pop culture.  When I fuck that first dumb blonde, I am gonna make sure she bleeds out the asshole, so that someone will know what it is like to be reamed up the asshole as violently as the world is currently doing to me.  I think I would rather run through a cornfield backward, naked then have to be put through this shit.  Hell, if I could, I would fuck trees, ya know why? Trees dont complain, they dont want to be taken out to dinner before hand, they dont want a sturdy relationship before we have sex and most importantly, they cant run away, so technically, you cant rape a tree, because it cant call the cops, and it doesnt have a angry father with a shotgun.  Hell, its angry father might have become part of a shotgun, but yea.  I hate my life.  What the world needs is blowup dolls that perform philatio like real Saigon Whores.    That will be the day.

On a lighter note, Jessica told me yesterday that the breakup was initiated by her parents, so that I could find happiness in other people.  She also told me how she still cares, and always will. I wish I had the time and energy to figure out how to make a middle finger maybe I do

                                                            1

1        1

2        2

3        3

4        4

                                                3    2  4    5    5

3                      4

4                         3

5                       5

6                      4

Ok, that looks more like an ill drawn picture of my dick after I come out of an infamous Sunday Mourning cold shower, but I think we all get the idea; I still love her, and I am willing to make an ass of myself in the hopes that it will some how work out.  All I know is, I am gonna have to do a lot of waiting before anything happens.  So I am gonna go do that now,  wait for life to pass me by.  Ya know what though, you make your own happiness.  I am gonna go do something I swore I would ever do I am gonna go write her a letter of apology for being an absolute prick, and reacting emotionally(in case your wondering who this she I speak of is, its the fucking Queen.  Jessica you dumbass); and right after that, I am gonna go make myself REALLY FUCKING HAPPY, as many times as I can fit into an afternoon.  Adios.

Chapter 32

She stood me up for the second day in a row; and so, at first, I do what I always do when realize that my life is going to shit, I reset my watch 5 minutes, and pretend I didnt.  As I see it, I am so nervous, that I will quickly forget that my watch is off, and believe that I have more time then I actually do.  This helps with coping with the fact that I am being stood up.  My life seems to only go to shit when I am being stood up, because in my young life, it is the only thing that is currently leading to my demise, and the thing I despise most.  It is my greatest fear, as now, as I am single once again, I have serious fears bout finding other people.  I am really hurt right now, and I am not sure if I am good enough for anyone.  Meanwhile, on the outside, I am a pompous prick  whose narcissism is only exceeded by his fears about his lack of self worth.  As is the case with my mother, any time anything doesnt go according to plan, I suspect the worst.  shes not late, shes standing you up that should be my mothers motto in respect to girls I am interested in, and their chronic inability to be on time.  Ironically though, I dont remember her ever actually being anywhere near punctual, so I think I will simply disregard it as one of the many empty things she says.  Anyway, the point is, I did get stood up, and at first it sucked, but it, like everything else happens for a reason, one which I now fully understand, I cant remember her name right now, but I am gonna work hard to change that.

So at about 3;45, when I realized that I had been stood up, 45 minutes after we were meant to meet at Barns and Nobel, the place where I currently sat.  I at that point got up, and started walking around the store.  There was quite the selection of good looking girls there, to think, good looking(and presumably intelligent) girls at a bookstore.  I started hitting on one who seemed to be walking around aimlessly just as I was. 

We seem to be walking around aimlessly in the same path, are you looking for anything in particular?

I dunno, just walking around, trying to find my mother

I immediately turned around and walked away with my head hanging, and so I began of hitting on really good looking girls, who were book shopping with their mothers.  Their should be a rule, good looking girls should not be allowed to go anywhere with their mothers or fathers.  How many good looking girls I have seen with their mothers lifes not fair in that way.  After about 5 hot girls with their mothers, I was about to leave the store, when I saw a girl with an amazing body, and long, dark hair with her face buried in books like the one you are reading.  I approached

Are you looking for anything in particular?

Not really

Just kinda stumbling around, doing absolutely nothing in particular, bumping into walls from time to time?

Pretty much, only I prefer to smash into the walls instead of simply bumping into them

I laughed weekly, as did she So do you have a favorite kinda book?  Like what kinda book do you like to read?

Um, Journals.  Like fiction about teens, except without out all the watered down, fairy tale bullshit

As I realized the girl had just described the book I am currently writing much better then I ever could have, a wide grin came across my face Really, Iknow.. of.. um well, follow me ya know whatjust stay here I will be right back

I went into the fiction and literature section and pulled out a book with an awesome cover design, and a description which led me to believe that the book was written with themes in common with mine.  I brought it back to her, and realized just how beautiful she was.  She really seemed like she was my style.  Here ya go, an honest book, this guy is kina a role model of sorts for me, he writes very similarly to me.  Yea I write books  I paused to look at her, her beauty once again hit me, and I was starting to really fall for this girl, only moments after I saw her.  I was starting to buy into the entire love at sight bullshit.  I broke the pause as I looked down at the ground, and then at her again You dont write by any chance, do you

Actually, I do.

Oh my God! A girl that writes, well that is a first for the day.  What kinda stuff you write?

all kinds of stuff, just whatever I am feeling

Really? That is kinda the premise of what I write, a collection of feelings over time.  So where do you go to school

North, although I want to burn the school down

Cool, I am a Junior at Rockhurst.  What year are you?

I am a freshman, although I am probably smarter then half of my teachers

Indeed, I like you you have that entire Im pissed off at the world, and you better like it thing going on.  Your not as chipper as most of the girls I know

I can be happy when I really want to

That is good to hear, at least your not just terminally depressed with no rhyme

 or reason  We continued to speak for another 15 minutes, as we waited on the checkout line.  I had decided it was time to leave, as I had found someone that I could really level with.  She didnt laugh like other girls, but I got her to smile a few times, something I could tell was not usual for her.  I got her e-mail as we walked out the door together.  She wanted my book.  I write this while waiting for her to check her e-mail, get my book, respond, whatever.  I really dig this girl, and to think, if I hadnt been stood up, I would have never met her.  If Jessica hadnt broken up with me, I wouldnt have had a reason to make a date with Allison, so that she could stand me up, so I could meet this perfect girl.  Life doesnt always turn out the way you think it is going to, but in the end it is for the best.  No matter how hard it is to believe, it is always for the best.

Chapter 33

As is becoming the norm, uncountable days pass, and now I am writing again because I am I history class, and I am bored to shit; and like on so many days, I am madly in love with a girl who thinks I have a sexy voice; and like on so many days I am in love with a girl with beautiful reddish brown hair, a pleasantly toned voice, and an amazing body. Only now, I have them both, at the same time; and now I fight not to fall too fast. I can no longer help it though,, as the girl of my affection has me under a magical spell which I can not break.  In previous times, I could force myself to forget a but a girl, I could push her out of my mind with ease.  Evelyn weighted heavily on my mind, but I wanted to fall for her, and I made myself fall for Jessica; no, this girl I try so hard not to fall for, and still I do.  Essentially, in the past, I would try to fall in love, and would succeed.  I would romanticize romance, and it would give me much joy.  Now It envelops me like a python, and I want not to be enveloped, but the harder I fight, the tighter its grasp becomes. 

The girl I spoke of last chapter turns out to be named Meredith.  We share a common background of having strictly religious mothers who were left by our Godless Anglo-Saxon fathers.  We are both writers, evidently of the same style.  She says she writes exactly as I do.  If this is true, then she is the most literarily talented person I am not directly related to.  Her body echoes in my mind, a model of perfection.  She creeps into my ever thought, and the need to hold her surpasses all of my other desires.  I find myself dreaming of her, and wake up cuddling with my pillow.  This never happened with Jessica.  I was madly in love with her, but it never consumed me. I was rabid and sharp in my love for her, but it was somehow shallower then this.  I feel love for Meredith in my soul.  I am weary, though, of such feelings.  I try to hide them from her in our correspondences.  I think she holds back to an extent as well.  I doubt she feels as strongly as I do, but it really doesnt matter anymore, for as long as I can hold her in my arms in the near future, life will be good.  I still can not comprehend why though; why am I falling this deep, serene joy when I think of her.  When I used to think of Jessica, I would have a euphoric, glossed look; now when I think of Meredith, I just smile and feel at peace.  She, like Evelyn, is the kind of person I really wanna spend a lot of time with, whether she loves me or not.  Jessica was a one trick horse though.  All she had was love, and thus, that was all she had to give.  Meredith and Evelyn have so much more, they are more on my intellectual level.  They are much more cynical and sarcastic, and they are both great writers.  Jessica wrote great love letters, but her grasp of philosophy was very week.  She wrote what she felt, and what she felt for me was amazing; but a great writer can make a getting in a fight with some kid in 6^th grade a thing of beauty(not that I am plugging past books, though), and all she could make beautiful were the many ways she told me she loved me.  Evelyn and Meredith can both make anything beautiful, even me.  Meredith is a better writer then Jessica could ever dream of, and I dont have to convince myself that I love Meredith.  I hope to see Meredith in 2 days.  I hope that she will sit on my lap, and drink coffee with me while we talk about world events and what we want out of a relationship, and then each other, and then a kiss.  I twill then look into her sparkling brown eyes, and slowly bring myself to her lips, achieve that perfection she just described, and slowly pull away to see her eyes glistening with the same tears of joy I cry right now.  Maybe someday; hell maybe Sunday. 

Chapter 34

Yea, today is that Sunday that I just mentioned, and I know I have said it so many times before, but today was the best day of my young life.   I know that only one month ago, I sat down in this same chair, at the same time, and wrote about how Jessica is a goddess; well, now she is just the evil bitch that ruined my life, but then she was so good.  Could Meredith possibly face the same fate?  I certainly hope not, I hope I dont fuck up again by trying some shit in a movie theater, or needing her so badly that loosing her would pail in comparison to the pain of my own death.  I wont let it happen again, I know how bad it hurts to loose someone because of stupidity, and Meredith is a lot smarter then Jessica, so she is not gonna put up with the same infidelity issues , and other bullshit that I subjected the formerly beloved, now begrudged Jessica.  I dunno, when Meredith reads this she is gonna think I am even more then a shmuck then I really am, and that puts me damn near.. well near our old buddy, old pall Jeff Dommer, and Ghengus Khan.  I dunno I guess I should explain what happened today, as I sit here, listening to my Damnt by Blink 182 on repeat, completely paralyzed by the day we had.

She called me last night when I was at my dads house, quite late if I do say so myself.  We talked about a trip she had just gotten back from, and we talked about me making out with the principals niece, and then getting caught by the principal.  Yea, it was quite the mistake to tell her about that one, as if she had any feelings for me she would be quite angry, which she was.  In reality, it was my way of testing her, I told her to see what she would say.  In reality, I didnt even go to the mixer, where I allegedly made out with this niece of the principal.  The Principal doesnt have a niece that is past the 5^th grade; and maybe I like them a tad bit young, but I am not a pedophile.  So yea, Meredith, when you read this, I was lying, I spent Friday night sitting at home thinking about you, as other girls tend to pale in comparison to you.  I mean, why go out and eat grade flank steak when you got Filet Mignon at home.  So yes, after I explained the normal male psyche, we talked about a variety of things for an hour and a half, during  which both of us spent evading our Anglo Saxon parental units.  

I take a break from writing to go smell the couch we cuddled on today, it smells of her. I smile, I think I love her.  I am not stupid enough to believe that this really is love, or rather to make an assumption so quickly.  I know this will last though, as long as her mother doesnt realize that I am the horny little fuck that I really am.  I chuckle to myself now, as I remember the events of today, how her well I aint gonna ruin it.  Read on, young grasshopper.

So we got off the phone after about an hour and a half, and I went to bed, with the assumption that we would see each other at noon the next day for coffee.  I hurried myself off to sleep, and set my alarm for 9, as I would have to be awake by then to get out of my dads apartment by 10, to get home by 11, to get to the coffee place by noon.

I woke up at 7, as I sat up in bed waiting for my alarm to ring, so I could officially wake up.  While I lay awake, I dreamed of how it would be; her sitting in my lap, reading the newspaper, having most intelligent conversation.  She would eventually kiss me, and then I would carry her away to my house, where she would fall asleep on top of me.  I would stare at her utter beauty, stroke her hair and be in ecstasy.  I cuddled with my pillow, while I dreamed of kissing her in a millions of different situations.  Practicing what I would say to her, making up great one liners.  This continued until the piercing ring of my alarm told me it was time for breakfast, I had a plentiful helping of strawberries, more because that was what was available then because I wanted my cum to taste good.  I woke my brothers ass up, and fed him breakfast, and after I got him dressed, I threw on my coat, and told my dad to drive us home.  He lumbered out of bed, got in the car, and I was on my way to truly begin the day of my life.

I got home at 11, as was planned.  I then learned that I had to take down the Christmas lights with him, and I couldnt go until I had.  This seriously cut into my prep time.  I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get all the lights down as quickly as possible.  I ran into the shower as soon as I had thrown every light I could find into a box, and thrown it into the storage room in my basement.  I showered feverishly quickly, and really hit the ground running, as I got ready with more gusto then I had ever had in my life.  The process of showering, picking out what I was going to wear, putting it on, and making all areas of my body smell nice took about 16minutes.  I ran out the door at 11:50, 17 minutes after the last light was thrown into the box.  Meredith was gonna be there as soon as I got there.

Ok, so she wasnt there when I got there, so I sat down with the New York Times, and occupied myself until she got there within the next few moments.  When I had read every word of section A  I realized there was something terribly wrong with the whole situation.  Checking my watch revealed it was close to 12:30.  I called her (She was at home), and asked her what the hell was going on, and evidently that evil Anglo that is her mother wasnt home, so she couldnt get there until 1.  I decided to wait it out, read the paper, drink some coffee, and told her to call me if she couldnt get there by 1.  At 1 o clock I got a phone call from her, telling me that she couldnt get there until 2:30.  I once again decided to wait it out and read the paper.  I was making my way through ton of information  by reading this paper, and it was invigorating to know what the holy fuck was going on around the world. At about 2, I came across an underwear add, and excused myself to the bathroom, for a brief break.  I was weary the entire time that there were cameras watching me.  I came out of the bathroom, and resumed reading.  A few moments later, I came the abrupt end of paper.  I had finished the paper.  I gathered it all up, and went outside to throw it away in a trash can.  No sooner then had I succeeded in shoving the entire massive ball into a very small hole, I saw her.   When I realized that this was the girl that I was having a date with, I chuckled to myself.  The powers that be must have made a mistake, because there was no way in hell that I deserved, or ought to be dating someone so utterly beautiful.  I said Jessica was perfect because, well, I didnt think I could do any better.  I now say that this girls body was perfect because, well,  it is; and no one is going to disagree with me.  She smiled as she walked towards me we exchanged some humorous words, walked into the coffee place, got some coffee and sat down.  We laughed at stories of our exs for almost an hour while we sipped our coffee, and we stared at each other.  I was in utter amazement that someone as beautiful as she would want anything to do with me.  I mean, Jessica.  Whoa, HO.  Ok, that was mean, but it is true.  This was a serious step up.  I no longer had to convince myself that I loved this girl, I just did.  Naturally, none of the little one-liners came into play, and she didnt sit on my lap, because the chairs were too small, and there were old people in the place that would have yelled at us.  So we sat across from each other at a small table, and we talked, and smiled weirdly at each other from time to time.  After our little conversation had come to an end, we decided to run into an electronics store, walk into a home theater display, and just kinda start dicking around.  I grabbed some sugar packets and poured them on the couch, and we sat down.  On a couch other then the one with the sugar packets.  We got kicked out for changing the channel, and putting on soft core porn, so we decided to walk to my place of residence, which is about 3 blocks from this coffee place.  We skipped there while singing Damnt by Blink 182.  It was a most rousing experience.  Finally we found ourselves at my door.  We quickly slipped inside, bypassing my mothers watchful eye, and a mandatory 25 minute introduction.  We slipped into the basement undetected, and began a 15 minute period where I tried to gather up the nerve to make a move.  I was naturally very polite and humorous during this time.  All the while she is telling me how she doesnt usually kiss on the first date, and that she is more of a tease.  Someplace in the back of my head, a suave Spanish man says ju can not reseest mijarms (en ingles- you can not resist my charms).  Remembrances of her complaining about how must guys she dates just wanna get up her shirt or down her pants also drifted through my mind.  My goal was to attain cuddlege.  After trying to set the mood at least 4 times with music, I once again got off the couch, where I sat just inches from her.  I grabbed at the computer screen, and violently forced it off.  Since my speakers are attached to the monitor, when I turned my monitor off, the sound followed.  I flipped off the lights, did a nose dive behind her on the couch and waited for her to reposition herself.

um how would you like to do this She said as she got up off the couch, basking in the glow of the T.V. I had just turned on.

However you want it to

She got back on the couch, and lay in front of me, as our legs became intertwined, I started to fiddle with an area of her back, slowly running my index finger around it in a circle

Taken a fancy to that certain part of my back have you?

No, I have taken a much greater fancy to other portions of your torso, but I fear being slapped

Well depending on the mood I am in, I might slap you

I moved the hand that was fed under he torso and was then resting on her stomach upward slightly, making a trek towards her magnificent Mammaries. I sat up a bit and looked at her face, as she watched the television intently, or at least pretended to, I watched her face for the slightest sign of disapproval. When I had reached her right breast, I still saw no sign of disapproval. Am I gonna get slapped now?

Not if you keep your pants on

I moved my hand off of her breast, and down her stomach, where I moved my hand under her shirt. I started walking my fingers up the center of her stomach until I had reached the under wire of  her bra.  Still no slapping.  I then brought the under wire upward, and went straight to work, finding the nipple, and running the inside of my thumb around it in a circle that started at the outside of it and slowly worked inward.  I finally relinquished my grip on her, and let the bra fall back in place.  I was not about to let it end though.  I brought my mouth to her belly button, which was exposed.   I kissed it wetly, and took in its wonderful scent.  I then kissed my way up the center of her stomach, following the lines of it outward, and then following other lines inward.  Finally, I came to a black satin barrier.  Only a very thin layer of cloth now separated my mouth from the Promised Land.  I took it into my mouth, and soon, it was covered no more.  I licked in a wide circle around the base of each breast, slowly working my way to the nipple, which I kneaded between my tongue and the roof of my mouth.  I finally looked up at her and asked Im not gonna get slapped, am I

She laughed, and told me that I wasnt going to.  As soon as I realized that I could get away with it, it ceased to be fun, so I once again let her bra fall back into place.  I we resumed cuddling, I realized our positions had naturally shifted ever so slightly, and that I now had a good shot at her mouth.  During a commercial, I looked into her eyes and asked her  Say you dont normally kiss during the first date?

Yea.. usually not

well is this a USUAL first date?

I dunno

Well do you want this to be a usual first date?

Not really She said with a certain mischievous twinkle in her eye.  She knew what was coming. 

Ok then Matt grows balls in 3,2,1 and yes then we had the grandest ole make out session in record yadda yadda yadda, read my first book to get that joke.  No actually, the kiss only lasted about a 15 seconds.  Our teeth kept hitting each others.  Oh, and then we had to leave to go back to the coffee joint, because we had those explicit directions not to leave the coffee place.  On the way back, we talked sex almost the entire time, and she teased the hell out of me, and I loved every second of it.  We went inside, and resumed our sex talk. Her sisters car pulled up outside, and I walked her out to her car, where after an awkward few seconds, I gave her a quick kiss, slapped her ass, and ran off singing Put on a happy face while I kicked my heals in the air.  Yes, as I do now like to say: Today was a good day.

Yea.  Today was probably the best day of my life.  I have never met someone as utterly, and completely beautiful.  She is so perfect.  I can only pray I am as amazing to her as she is to me.  So Meredith, when you read this, if you read this.  Know that I have never fallen this hard, this fast before, and although it is extremely premature, and out of place, and stupid to say, I am gonna say it anyway.  I love you.

Chapter 35

I remember not where I last left off, as a blur of good days have left me lethargically content.  I try to remember my last chapter.  I know it was of the pristine and utter goodness that is Meredith.  I remember of writing of the sweet taste of her lips, and breasts, and the smoothness of her skin.  I remember writing of how beautiful she is, and how I fought not to fall in love with her.  I dont remember if I was still fighting that battle when I last wrote, but the battle is now over.  For me now, it is all over.

A week ago, on a cold Wednesday in January, I came home from school and began to play my new guitar.  As I strummed out a horrendous imitation of a song, a feint ringing reached my ears.  As I found the phone and sloppily picked it up, a wonderfully dark voice greeted me, and I felt adrenaline rush through my chest and head.  It at first sounded almost exactly like Evelyn, but a certain cheerfulness, and optimisms tipped me off to the fact that it was my new love, Meredith.  I had waited all day to hear her voice, and when I heard it then, it was a fulfillment of glorious proportions.  We spoke of why she had gotten home so early, as the clock read 4, and she usually didnt get home from play practice from 6, and so her call did not come until at least 7.  She told me she had skipped because it was snowing, and didnt want to come home in any more snow then had already fallen to the ground. In the back of my mind, I hoped that she had also came home because of an intense urge to talk to me. 

After she got through telling me why she got home so early, she brought up a note I had sent to her the day before.  She had carried it in her pocket all day, and whenever she would feel sad, she would pull it out of her pocket, and she would be happy.  Observe: (a little background, I had just gotten off the phone with her, and I had tried to tell her how I felt, but it just didnt come out right I mean what I said paled so badly to how I felt, I felt the need to do it over.)

I am sorry for not giving you a good monologue... for yours damn near made
me cry.  I just, I am more engulfed in you then in anyone else I have ever
met.  Youre just so beautiful.  To think of you now makes my heart hurt.  I
yearn for you to be in my arms again, on my couch again.  I lay there at
night and dream of what it is gonna be like to have you on my couch again.
I yearn for you endlessly, I wish I was attached to you, so that I could
follow you around everywhere you go, so that I would never have to say
goodbye, and so that I would never have to stop looking at you, and being in
awe of you, and so that you would never be unhappy again, so that you would
never be lonely, or sad again.  I want to sleep next to you, so that in
slumber I will be holding you and keeping you safe, so that you will never
be afraid again.  I want to engulf you in my arms, and hold you from now
until forever, so that you will never be cold again.  I want to spend the
rest of my life with you on my couch... If I were to die of starvation, as
long as I was with you, I would be the happiest man alive.  I can't hold
back anymore.  You are seriously the most amazing human being I have ever
met.  I have met a lot of smart girls in my life, but you are by far the
smartest.  I have met a lot of beautiful girls in my life, but by far you
are the most beautiful, because you are such an amazing human being.  Forget
the fact that you have the body of a Greek goddess, and the tits that will
now and forever be in my dreams, who you are as a human being makes me fall
head over heels in love with you, and no matter how hard I try not to pull
something like this, I have lost to the immense love I have for you.  I knew
from the second I saw you that I was smitten with you.  All you had to do
was smile, and tell me you wanted to burn your school to the ground.  I
tried so fucking hard to be cool, to be normal, and not scare you away, but
now that I know that you are just like me, just as much of a sap, and I know
I can't... It only makes me love you more.  I find no flaws in you.  I find
no imperfections in you.  I never want to hear you complain about your body,
or your mind, for both of them are at the pinnacle of human existence... I
should worship the ground you walk on..  I want to.  I want you now with me.
In a really weird way, I wanna bring you to the best orgasm humans have ever
imagined... and not for the sexual horny reasons.  I just wanna see you in
pure ecstasy, trying to put into words how you feel, as you moan, and have
spasms, for that is how you make me feel every time you enter my mind.  I
want to make your toes curl up, and your eyes roll into the back of your
head, as you make my toes curl up, and my eyes roll into the back of my
head.  I want to see a stupid smile come across your face, as you drift off
into euphoric state.  For now as I think of running my mouth over your body,
the same thing happens to me.  Please tell me now how someone like yourself
could ever love me?  How?  I don't have a good body, I look like some kinda
weird ass Side-Show-Bob imitator... How could someone as smart as you want
anything to do with me?  You are well read, and are a genius in all
subjects... so I can write... big deal...Well I have to go now... but know
that I have had to fight back to urge to tell you the previous for a long
time now... since the instant I saw you... and this is only the tip of the
iceberg...

She had written me a similar note, one that told me in the same fashion that I had told her that she was madly in love with me.  She admitted, as I had admitted to her, that she was completely enthralled with me So boys and girls, if you would look at the projector

To put into words what I feel would be a sin, and, since I figure Im doomed anyways, Ill tell you. I have slowly been sucked into a kind of endless void. you are my other half. you are the part of me I always wanted to be, the part I always wanted to bring out, but never had the guts to.  up until now, everything was going great. then I met you, and you ruined it all. you came into my world, shattered it, reformed it, and made it undeniably: perfect. I had found another living, breathing, English-speaking organism on two legs that was not looking to get me in bed. you are NOT ugly. and, strangely enough, you stole the words out of my mouth. I am smitten with you. you're terribly handsome, and you make me laugh to the point I cry. you are so like me in every way, and yet, so my wild side. I want to be in your arms. I want to fall asleep on top of you, in your arms, and wake up knowing Im loved. I want to slowly run my fingers through your hair and play with your curls, pulling and teasing until you beg me to stop. I want lay beside you, watching you sleep, and feel at peace with the world. I want to tease you, and watch your reaction as I laugh. I want to kiss you softly, slowly, passionately, and know nothing matters. I want to stroke your face and watch you smile. I want to say something witty and intelligent, and watch you laugh. I want to run away from you, knowing that you'll come chasing after me, and I want to let you catch me. I would die in your arms tonight, and feel happy. you're so sarcastic, like me. you are everything Ive looked for in a man, all rolled into one (we DO think alike) I must go now, but I shall speak to you soon. with all my love and the tenderest of kisses,

Meredith

As you can see, we both shared a certain state of mad love restrained.  As we admitted to each other that we were just as madly in love as the other, the intricacies of how much we had in common started to show.  We both approached the relationship in the same way; both afraid of throwing ourselves into another meaningless relationship where we would be left; alone, and feeling foolish for baring our souls to someone only going through the motions.  Neither of us wanted to go through he motions anymore. We wanted something real;  and both of us thought we had found it in each other; but we were still wary of letting our souls be bare again.  With our letters we caressed the others soul; southing the pain of the scars left from these who had been there before.

A flash of practicality enters conversation, and she invites me to her church youth group.  I am not too keen to formal religion, most especially the evangelical type, but it would involve seeing her again, so I happily oblige.  She had not wanted me to come, as it would be allowing herself to admit just how badly she wanted to see me; she gives in to her urges, and tells me where I can meet her.

I stand outside in the subzero cold of a January night.  It is dark, and the snow falls lightly on the black sweater I wear.  It sticks to the fabric, as well as the mane that is my hair.  I look at my reflection in a window, and see something that resembles the abominable snowman.  The snow continues to fall as I wait for my darling Meredith, and the longer I stand outside, the more the more abominable I look.  The snow blankets me, and this weighs me down; as does my fear that I am going to be stood up, as I glanced down at my watch, and saw that she was 5 minutes late.  She finally arrives 7 minutes late.  By that point I am freezing, and completely covered in snow.  She is so much more beautiful then I remember her being. Her face glows; and she greets me by brushing the snow off of my eyebrows.  I smile, and we walk into the church together.  She gives me a grand tour of the building; which I find to be exceedingly large.  It is full of dark rooms, and long hallways.  After I am familiar with the building, we make our way down to a large room filled with mindless teenagers engaging themselves in what I would call a party if I wasnt the only one there who had been drinking that night.  She introduced me to her many male friends, all of them sad excuses for human beings.  They all seem to be the kinda kid I used to be; desperate, and very weird, and otherwise creepy.  They just seem to be the stalker type, and it was my great joy to have to watch thesethings try to hit on Meredith.  For some reason, these guys didnt get the fact that I was with her, and therefore she wasnt going to respond to their advances.  Besides the point, for the first time in my life, I found myself quite a bit bigger then the guys I was in (no) competition with, and I felt like a thug in a way.  I felt like sending half these assholes into a wall, but as we were in church, and I was a guest of sorts, I decided against it.  I bit my tongue, and held back the urge to deck the weirdo that tried to put his arm around Meredith, and actually got into the whole worship thing.  After  an hour and a half of it, youth group was over, and me and Meredith found ourselves with a lovely half hour before she had to be out front to get picked up by her mother.  We started walking around the church, pretending to be going somewhere, finally ending up in an elevator.  As soon as we got in, I looked through the open doors, and saw that no one was in our remote vicinity.  A long, empty corridor lay in front of us.  As the doors began to close, and we realized we were alone in the elevator, I started looking at her with a stupid grin.  I pushed floor 3(we were in the basement).  She knew what I was thinking.  I knew that she knew what I was thinking. I smiled wider.  She knew that I knew that she knew what I was thinking.  She smiled as well.  I knew that she knew that I knew that she knew what I was thinking, and as soon as the doors closed I pinned her against the wall of the elevator with my mouth.  Her mouth was eager to receive mine, and she pulled me into her. We arrived on floor 3 rather flustered.  As the doors opened I pulled away quickly, pretending like nothing had happened.  This floor too was empty. I looked at her again.  We walked out of the elevator, and looked around.  We were in a small room that led to the sanctuary, its only entrance the elevator, and the sanctuary.  After she perceived that no one was around, she brought two fingers to her lips.  She then placed those two fingers to my lips.  I sucked on her fingers.  After her fingers glistened with my moisture, I put my right hand around her bare waist, and drew her into me.  Her mouth tasted wonderful to me, its texture seeming to intoxicate me.  She broke the embrace, and stared deeply into my eyes.  The look on her face was one of innocence.  She pouted at me, and moved her hand to my chest.  As her hand slid under my shirt, my entire body seemed to tingle gloriously under her cold hands. 

Your hands are cold I told her as I broke the embrace I had engaged her in as soon as her fingers had touched my skin.  I grabbed her arm, and led it out of my shirt.  I took each finger into my mouth, warming it thoroughly.  

We moved back into the elevator as we heard someone coming out of the sanctuary.  We ran quickly to its metal walls, and hid in a corner as we pushed the B(for basement) button.  I pressed against her in that corner, and when the door closed, we both breathed a sigh of relief.  I put my hands right above her shoulders on the wall. 

Shall we? I asked her looking into her eyes my mouth hovering only inches away from hers.  I got no answer but from her tongue, which darted across mine.  My hand moved to her crotch, rubbing her gently through the jeans she wore.   Her lips parted, and received me as I darted quickly across the using the moisture she had left on me as a lubricant.  It was glorious, she felt wonderful against my skin, and she tasted wonderfully at the same time.  The door opened, and I broke the embrace after I removed my hand from her crotch.  I again pretended nothing had happened as I looked around.  I pushed the 3 button again.  The door closed.  I resumed.  The process continued.  I went up and down, in and out, for about 15 minutes.  At this point, I worked my way down her neck.  Lightly nibbling on her ear and then kissing her under her ears and slowly working my way downward. When I reached the bottom of the neck of her shirt, I got onto my knees in front of her.  I started kissing her navel,  Then licking my way around it in circles that got further and further away from that navel.  I looked up at her as I lifted her shirt above those breasts, and took the bottom of her bra into my teeth.  I pulled up ward and licked around the outside of each breast, and then doing figure 8s around them.  I took the bottom of the bra back into my mouth, pulled it over her, and licked my way down her stomach.  Her shirt hanging just above my nose as I licked downward.  I stand back up again.  Kiss her and smile.  We end up back at floor 3 again.  I sit down in a chair that has been misplaced along the wall.  She straddles my stomach with her legs, and my lips with hers.  When she breaks the embrace 5 minutes later, she realizes that we have 3 minutes to be out front for her mother.   She takes me by the hand, leads me to the elevator, and gets to her knees and quickly licks my stomach as she looks up at me.  The sensation paralyzes me.  It is short lived, and when she is finished, she quickly kisses me again as we reach floor 1, where her mother waits for her.  I greet her mother, and after a goodbye hug(yea her mothers ultra religious.. even a hug was pushing it), I saw Meredith, and the best night of my life, disappear into a white abyss.

I would not be the only time I would see her disappear into a white abyss that week.   The next day was a snow day.  We spend the day in her basement.  Where we whispered sweet nothing into each others ears all day.  Ok, maybe we just licked every square inch of each others bodies, but the idea was still there; we made love with our cloths on.  It wasnt sex at all, I dont know if you understand, for it can only be known through experience.  Hopefully, at some point in  everyones lives, they have the experience of making love in this sense.  Hopefully you will experience this too;  You  have a member of the opposite sex buried in your crotch, and as horny as you might be,  you carefully grab their head, and pull upward.  You kiss them softly as you look into their eyes, and gently caress their face with your hands.  You pull your pants back on, and hold that other person in your arms, and realize you have found the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Then a crazy look will come across your face, and you ask the other person If I ran away, would you come with me

The other person nods, and kisses you as they cry and tell you they will follow you to the ends of the earth.  You then ask them if they will leave with you tonight, and they nod.  You tell them you will be at the train station downtown at 10:53 Pm, and as them if they will be there.  They nod again.  You then get off the couch you lay with them on, and tell them how much the ticket costs, and tell them that you mean it.  You tell them to bring with them everything they care about. They nod again.  You start out the door, but then come back in, and ask them if they need a ride to the train station, they nod again.  You tell them you will be around the corner at 10:00. You go up the stairs, and get into your mothers car, which you have taken out for the day, as she is with her friends all day at some cultural thing.  You tell her one more time where your gonna be at 10:00, and before you embark into complete lunacy, and throw everything you have away for love, you tell them that you will wait up for them.  You drive away with tears in your eyes.  You go home, and pack your bags, and leave a note to your mother, and sit down at your computer, and give your loved one a book you have written about love, and how nothing ever turns out the way it should, but in the end it is for the better. You tack onto that a last chapter that talks about the last few days, and how you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with them; and also to remind them to be around the corner from their house at 10 pm.  You title the e-mail Meredith, read the last page quickly and then read whatever else you have time for.  Finally, you see your own prophecies come true, as something you said in  Chapter 30 about the reason for the title of the book is coming up as you write the last words of the book.

Chapter 36

Meredith, I am gonna be around the corner from your house at 10.  I will be at the train station at 10:30.  Its gonna be terminal 6.  Its going to Santa Fe.  I am getting off in Dodge City.  I will go no farther without you. I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and when we are old enough, and my books start selling, I want to marry you. Ya know what though, It is cheaper to drive out west, as we are gonna have to conserve our money for food.  Meredith, I will be around the corner until you get into he car next to me, and kiss me, and I hold you in my arms, and we cry as we realize that we are burning all our bridges, and starting a new life together.  Until then I will be around the corner;  I will wait up for you.

Chapter 37

As I just said, nothing ever turns out the way you think it is going to, but it is always for the best.  I never stole my moms car, but me and Meredith did do all of the other things.  I did burn all my bridges, and I did start a new life, just not with her.  We were supposed to go to sweetheart together(Sweetheart is the local version of Sadie Hawkins and if you dont know what that means homecoming dance where the girls ask the guys)then at the last second, she said she couldnt go.  She had to go to some debate tournament.  I thought long and hard of how she could get out of it, or finish early enough that she could go with me.  All my trying was fruitless, she said nothing would work.  It wasnt until the day after that I realized the reason that none of my ideas would work was because there was no debate tournament.  It was all a lie, like every part of that relationship.  When I heard from a friend that he had seen her there  with someone else, it damn near killed me.  When I confronted her about it, she yelled at me, and said it was my fault, and that I was too demanding.  I neglected to mention that Meredith treated me like shit, and often became enraged with me for things that she had done wrong.  She often acted like she was doing me a favor by dating me. 2 months after that glories night on the couch, I said the hardest words I have ever had the displeasure of saying I know you were with some other guy last night, and if you wanna see him, thats ok, but I cant do this She got angry at me, and told me some of the nastiest things ever uttered.  Here is a later e-mail she sent me

No Im not. Thinking you're better than everybody else really isn't the way
to go. I would say you're a whore, but Im better than you haha. I don't have
to sink to your level. I never liked you, I never loved you. I never wanted
to marry you. I have no feeling for you at all. your writing is absolutely
atrocious. a 3rd grader can write better than you, and so can I. you cant
spell worth a crap, and, just so you know, Ive deleted all of your emails,
and i never read either of your stupid gay ass books that'll NEVER sell. I
am, however, going to warn Ms. South of your disgusting behavior, and
everyone else I know of, in fact.  I never wanted to go out with you, I dont
know why I did. I only made out with you because i was bored. For your info,
i DID leave you for Brady, because he treats me with decency, respect,
kindness, and hes one of the nicest people Ive ever met, and you arent and
can NEVER compare to him. and you never got me aroused. you werent even
close. so goodbye, may you live out the rest of your days alone, and may God
have mercy on your doomed soul.

I promptly called up Rachel and apologized.  I found myself falling for her again.  She fell just as I did, just not as fast.  If you dont know by now, I fall in love way to fast for my own good.  We might get back together this summer, we might now.  We will just have to wait up and see.  I might marry her some day, we might just have to wait up and see.  Frankly, I dont know who Im gonna fall head over heals in love with, or if I have ever really loved someone. I guess we will just have to wait up and see.  I know I will fall for someone someday.  She will be beautiful, and she will complete me.  She will be my companion for life, and we will have some of the best sex the world has ever seen.  The love of my life, I dont know who you are, or where Im gonna meet you, or how, or when, but I will wait up for you.